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She dropped to her knees on the floor to look underneath her bed and chairs. She crawled over to the closet and rummaged through the bottom of it to see if it had fallen out of the cuffs when she threw it in there this morning.

A sinking feeling in her stomach told her she had lost it, most likely when she was kissing the masked man.

As long as I didn’t lose it anywhere Mama can find it.

Looking at the door, then back to her desk she decided breakfast could wait. She felt naked without her list of things she needed to do before she either wed, or died. To her, the two felt interchangeable.

1. Kiss a stranger

2. Recreate the “opera scene”

3. See the Wild Side of London

Beatrice’s pen hovered before writing the fourth item.

4. Be intimate.

5. Gamble/drink

6. Fall in love

She was supposed to check off number three last night, possibly number five, but in a surprising twist, thanks to a midnight stranger, she crossed off the first item with a smirk on her face.

“One down, five to go.” Beatrice studied her list. She brought her pen down on number six and crossed it off. “No need to fall in love.”

“Ah, there you are. I was about to send a search party for you.” Charlotte’s voice rang out across the breakfast room.

Her mother was dressed up in her finest, already ready for the afternoon’s ball. Beatrice took a deep breath to steady herself and walked into her mother’s embrace.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting, Mama, I couldn’t fall asleep last night.”

Charlotte jumped back with a gasp, inspecting her daughter’s face. “Are you well? Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have let you and Sarah go for a walk yesterday afternoon with the chill in the air. Today is ruined!”

Beatrice bit her lip to stop from sighing. Her mother was notorious for her dramatics. Normally she found humor in her mother’s hysterics, but she was in no mood for it with the afternoon’s ball looming over her.

“Mama, I’m not ill, I just couldn’t sleep.” She said with a shrug.

Charlotte cast a judging look over her daughter once more. “You don’t look ill. Ah! You must be nervous. After all, in Sarah’s letter she said people are starting to tire of Cecilia and you are the one that the marriage mart is leaning towards.” She said with a clap of her hands.

Beatrice inwardly cringed. She was sick of hearing about her sister’s letter. Beatrice made a mental note to find a way to incapacitate her sister’s writing hand so she could never write another letter.

She was fine not being the season’s diamond, she preferred it even. The less attention she got the better her chance of becoming a spinster became. The further she got in her season the more she realized she was not only capable of living on her own, but craved it.

“Come, sit down.” Charlotte urged. “You need to eat to build up your energy. I foresee a lot of dancing in your future.” Her mother said with a wink as she pushed Beatrice down into a chair.

“I heard Lord Devlin’s son will be in attendance, he always seemed like a nice young man.

Oh, and Lord Dancary, he’s available, which is odd.

He is so well liked, I wonder why he hasn’t settled with anyone yet. ”

Beatrice speared a strawberry and ate it. “Perhaps he isn’t looking for a wife.”

Charlotte’s shrill laugh startled Beatrice. “Oh, Beatrice. You say the most nonsensical things some times.”

Beatrice scrunched her nose. “It’s not unheard of for people to want to live out their lives without a spouse. Some may even prefer it.”

Beatrice’s comment was met with a blank stare. Her mother sat opposite of her with a curious look on her face.

Her mother’s eyes narrowed. “Beatrice. I can never tell when you’re joking or not.”

Beatrice swallowed another strawberry. “I’m not joking, Mama.”

She watched as the wheels in her mother’s head began to turn. “Well, men are a different breed. They can live out their lives alone, but they shouldn’t. Regardless, us women do better as wives.” She picked up her tea and took a sip, most definitely thinking that was the end of that conversation.

“Mama. It’s not just men who can have the opportunity to live their lives alone. There are women who do it as well. Women can live out their lives alone and be quite happy and well off.”

Charlotte sputtered over her tea. “Beatrice!” She huffed. “I knew it.” She pointed her tea spoon across the table at Beatrice. “I told your sister you and her read too much! Thankfully for Sarah her tastes worked in her favor. But you, you read about adventures that only exist in books for fancy.”

Beatrice felt her cheeks heat. This was not a new argument with her mother. Unfortunately, it has become almost a daily conversation since this season started.

“I have always said I should take those books from you and I’m starting to think I should finally do it.” Charlotte sat back in her chair, distraught.

Beatrice rolled a blueberry around her plate. “Mama. You wouldn’t do that. I think deep down you are proud of the fact that your daughters are well versed in all kinds of literature.”

Charlotte grimaced. “Only when I forget it interferes with my goals for my daughters.”

Beatrice leaned towards her mother. “Exactly, Mama. Your goals.”

Her mother sat up, tilting her ear to her daughter.

“My goals are your goals, love. Your father and I made sure you and your sisters had the best schooling we could afford to ensure you had the best chance at a fruitful and happy life. In our society that means married to an honorable man. It worked for your sisters.”

“I’m not my sisters, Mama.” Beatrice took another deep breath. She always tiptoed around not wanting to be married, but she never came out and told her mother of her plans. It was time she finally told Charlotte.

“I want more than that. I want more than to be a wife. I would… I would rather live alone.” Beatrice dropped her eyes.

You would have thought Beatrice had dropped dead in front of her mother’s eyes. Charlotte dropped her tea cup with a loud gasp that had Ms. Adams running to her side.

Charlotte grasped her chest and heaved in air.

“Your Grace!” Ms. Adams yelled.

Charlotte put her arms up in a dramatic fashion, holding off the housekeeper. “I’m fine, Ms. Adams. Beatrice’s joke fell flat and startled me.“

“I’ll clean this up right away, Your Grace.” Ms. Adams started picking up the broken fragments of the cup.

“I’m not joking, Mama.” Beatrice’s voice barely made it over the din of collecting the broken porcelain.

Ms. Adams’s eyes bounced from Beatrice’s to Charlotte’s.

“I’ll bring you another cup, Your Grace.

” The housekeeper then turned on a dime to hurry out of the room.

Beatrice sighed. Ms. Adams was young for a housekeeper and no doubt going to spread the word that Beatrice was dead set on ruining her life.

“Explain.” Charlotte’s voice, usually so melodic and whimsical, was cold.

Beatrice swallowed and licked her suddenly dry lips.

“I am not like my sisters. They are happy being wed, I just don’t see that for myself.”

Charlotte took a moment to consider her daughter’s words then breathed a sigh of relief.

“Is that all?” She laughed. “Beatrice, how short is your memory? Neither one of your sisters wanted to get married when they were your age. Remember Eleanor? She was adamant against even getting to know Derek and now they have two children and are very happy.”

Beatrice chewed her bottom lip. “Mama, you’re not understanding me. This isn’t some wayward thought because of my age. I’m not saying this to convince myself I’ll be all right if I don’t find a match. I’m saying this because I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I will be better off alone.”

Beatrice’s words hung in the air between them.

“Are you saying your sisters have a pitiful existence?” Charlotte sneered. Her tone full of pain. “You’re too good for their lives? For my life, is that it?”

Beatrice’s eyes flew to her mother’s. “No, Mama! How could you think that? What I want for my life has no reflection on how you or my sister live your lives. It’s just not for me.”

Charlotte shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I don’t understand. We have given you everything and this is how you repay us?” Tears welled in her mother’s eyes.

“Don’t you see, Mama, it is because you gave me everything that I want more-”

Charlotte’s sob cut her daughter’s words off. “So this is my fault!”

Beatrice rubbed her temples. This was getting her nowhere.

“No, Mama, this is no one’s fault. This is just who I am. I’m happy. And thanks to Derek and Eleanor I can have a sustainable future, one where I-”

“Enough.” Charlotte slammed her hand on the table rattling the breakfast plates.

Beatrice gasped. She had never seen her mother lose her temper. Her dramatics always swayed towards the lighter side of life, never the villain. Guilt and shame settled in Beatrice’s bones as tears gathered in her eyes.

“Mama, I am so sorry. Perhaps I am just nervous.” The words felt like sand on her tongue. She knew what she wanted, but to see the distress it caused her mother was too much.

Charlotte’s shoulders dropped. “Of course, that’s it. It’s just like I always told your sisters, you need to trust the process.”

Beatrice met her mother’s eyes, both women knowing that was not the true cause of Beatrice’s woes. Regardless, it was enough for both women to pretend it was so they could steer the conversation into safer waters.

“Now, we’ll have no more of this talk.”

Beatrice watched as her mother took a deep breath and change back into the soft, matronly woman she was expected to be. “Where is Ms. Adams with my new cup?” She said with a forced laugh. “I can’t get my day properly started until I’ve had my tea.” She said with a smile.

Beatrice focused on the plate blurring in front of her eyes. She willed the tears back and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

“I’m very excited to see your sister Sarah at the ball today. It’s a shame Eleanor wouldn’t be able to join us.” Charlotte’s voice was clear as if the previous conversation did not just happen.

Beatrice could only shake her head in agreement as she forced herself to chew and swallow a strawberry. The lead weight in her stomach grew with every swallow. This was going to be a long day.