Page 134 of The Body in the Backyard

River frowned. “How do you know which side to tilt to?”

“Uh…there are a couple of approaches, I guess. You can take charge and tilt first. Or you can wait until they tilt and then tilt the opposite way,” Riley explained, wondering how her sister was going to feel about Aunt Riley’s Kissing 101.

“Or you can take their chin in your hand and tilt it for them,” Nick added.

Riley’s cheeks flushed, recalling how he’d kissed her exactly like that…and then they’d gotten naked.

“Yeah, that’s good too,” she said, adjusting the vent so the air hit her heated face. “Oh, and don’t forget to make sure the other person wants to kiss you.”

“How do I do that?” River asked.

“You could say, ‘You have a kissable face. Mind if I kiss it?’” Rain suggested, ending with several dramatic air kisses.

“Maybe stick with something classic like ‘I’d like to kiss you now,’” Nick suggested. Beads of sweat were popping up on his forehead, and Riley could sense a rising panic in him.

“Oh. I was thinking about just running into him with my mouth,” River explained.

“Christ,” Nick muttered.

“I see where you’re coming from, but you could accidentally bite him that way,” Esmeralda pointed out. “And it bypasses the whole consent conversation, which is very important.”

“Maybe you four unicorn chipmunk skunks should consider not kissing or dating until college. Wait, no. College was worse,” Nick said, swiping a hand over his face.

Riley reached over and put her hand on his leg. “I think that’s enough advice for now.”

“Thank you for your feedback, fellow unicorn chipmunk skunks,” River said.

“Okay, who’s hungry?” Nick sounded desperate. He took the turn into the parking lot just fast enough to make the tires chirp.

The car behind them did the same.

“Are you okay?” Riley whispered.

His knuckles whitened on the wheel. “I’m just envisioning them dating. Do you know how disgusting and awkward and stupid teenage boys can be?”

“Yes. Yes, I do. But hopefully today’s boys are being raised by parents who prioritize showing them at least how not to be disgusting and stupid. I don’t know if they can do anything about the awkward though.”

“We must protect them at all costs,” he said, looking at the girls in the rearview mirror.

“You know the best way to protect girls from choosing bad partners?” she prompted him.

“Eliminate all contact with men and boys of all ages?” he suggested hopefully.

“No. We show them what good partners and good relationships look like.”

Nick nodded as he swiped an arm over his sweaty forehead. “Yeah. Okay. We’ve got this. We have a few years before River starts dating. I’ll get her signed up for self-defense classes. She can have a black belt in something before her first date.”

“Are we here?” Janet asked, peering out the window from her booster seat.

“Wow! I’ve never had Taco Bell before,” Esmeralda said, gleefully pressing her face to the window. Her book was long forgotten in the back seat while she and River took selfies with funny Snapchat filters on Nick’s phone.

“Are you sure you want to take three mostly vegan and one paleo kid through the Taco Bell menu?” Riley asked.

“It’s time for this sacred canon event,” he announced like he was the movie voiceover guy. “Besides, it’s Wander’s car, not ours.”

And just like that, Nick Santiago had fully recovered from his parenting panic.

“This is the best night of my life,” Esmeralda whispered.