Page 119 of The Armor of Light

‘Oh, good.’

‘I told your father that I had come to love you...’

‘I am honoured.’ It was a formal sentence that did not commit her one way or the other.

‘...and I said I had some slight hope that you might become fond of me.’

I don’t know, she thought, I really don’t know.

‘Miss Latimer – or may I say my dearest Elsie – will you marry me?’

There it was, and now she had to make a lifetime decision.

As surely as it was possible to know another person’s heart, she knew that Amos would never marry her. And in the last few minutes she had seen a side of Mackintosh that he had never shown her before. He might turn into a good father, after all.

She would never love him passionately. But her parents’ marriage had been like that. And when she had asked whether her mother was glad she had married her father, her mother had said:Of course! Otherwise I wouldn’t have you.That’s how I would feel, Elsie thought; glad of the marriage because of the children.

If I was eighteen I’d say no. But I’m twenty-three. And I haven’t got Jane’s way with men. I can’t put my head on one side, and smile shyly, and speak in a low, intimate voice so they have to lean closer to hear. I’ve tried, and I just feel dishonest and foolish. But I want someone to kiss me at night, and I long to bear children and love them and raise them to be good and clever and kind. I don’t want to grow old alone.

I don’t want to be an old woman with no children.

‘Thank you for honouring me, Kenelm,’ she said. ‘Yes, I will marry you.’

‘Praise God,’ said Kenelm.

*

Spade used his personal key to unlock the door in the north porch of the cathedral. He stepped in, and Arabella followed him. It was colder inside than out. When he closed the door he could see nothing. Working by touch, he found the keyhole and locked the door.

‘Hold my coat-tails and follow me,’ he said to Arabella. ‘I think I can find my way in the dark.’

Holding his arms out in front of him like a blind man, so that he would not walk straight into a pillar, he headed west, trying to go in a straight line. After a few seconds he realized he could just aboutsee the windows, dark-grey pointed shapes against the pitch black of the masonry. When he drew parallel with the last window he knew he was just two or three steps from the end wall. His hands touched the cold stones and he turned. He followed the wall around the corner to the narthex, a lobby beneath the bell tower. He found a door and unlocked it. When they were inside he locked it again.

They climbed the spiral staircase to the rope room.

Arabella said: ‘I can’t see a thing!’

He took her in his arms and kissed her. She kissed him back enthusiastically, holding his head in her hands, digging her fingers into his hair. He touched her breasts through her dress, relishing their weight, their softness, and their warmth.

She said: ‘But I want to see you.’

‘I left a bag after practice last Monday,’ said Spade, breathing hard. ‘Just stand still while I find it.’ He crossed the floor, treading on the mats and feeling the dangling ropes brush his coat. He got down on his knees and felt around until he touched the leather satchel he had stashed here. He took out a candle and a tinder box, then lit the candle. There were no windows in the rope room, so the light could not be seen from outside.

He turned and looked at her. In the candlelight they smiled at each other.

‘You planned this,’ said Arabella. ‘Clever you.’

‘It was more like a daydream than a plan.’

As the wick burned brighter he dripped wax on the floorboards, then fixed the base of the candle into the melt and held it there until the wax hardened enough to hold it in place.

She said: ‘Let’s lie on the floor. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable.’

‘I have a better idea.’ On the floor were the mats used by the ringers, their purpose to reduce wear on the ropes as they brushed the floor. He picked up several mats and arranged them in a pile to make a bed.

‘You thought of everything!’

‘I’ve been picturing this moment in my mind for months.’