Page 6

I hated her.

With every atom of my being, I hated her.

I don’t just want to dance on her grave, I want to host the grand final of Strictly Come bloody Dancing on top of it.

She was an Earth-bound demon who deserved every hellish moment of her hideous end. For thirty years, right until the day she died, that witch tormented me.

So the hardest thing about watching her writhing on that floor?

Trying not to laugh.

Everyone knows how I felt about her.

They just don’t know why.

My secrets died with Claudia Stitchwell.

And that’s where I’m going to bury them.

STATEMENT OF WITNESS

CJ Act 1967, s.9; MC Act 1980, ss.5A(3)(a) and 5B; Criminal Procedure Rules 2005, Rule 27.1

Statement of Tanya Jones

Occupation ?Unemployed/Homemaker

Age of witness (if over 18, enter ‘Over 18’) Over 18

This statement is true to the best of my knowledge and belief and I make it knowing that, if it is tendered in evidence, I shall be liable to prosecution if I have wilfully stated in it anything which I know to be false, or do not believe to be true.

Signed:

I am Tanya Jones and I live at the address stated overleaf. I make this statement about the events of Monday 24 October, when I witnessed the sad death of Claudia Stitchwell.

I had been asked, in my capacity as Chair of the PTA, to oversee a special talk to be held in the hall that evening. I spent the day baking and decorating the triple chocolate sponge Miss Stitchwell requested. I cannot stress enough that there were no nuts, nor nut contaminants in my kitchen. I arrived at St Nonnatus Primary School at approximately 3.30pm, dropped the cake in the school kitchen, collected my daughters and escorted them to the library where they and Grace Fisher were to do their homework while we prepared the hall.

I reached the hall around 4pm, where Fisher was already making preparations for the event. As we progressed, it became clear that we had insufficient plates, napkins and plastic glasses for the evening, so I walked to BuyRite to purchase them. On the way, I ran into Ben Andrews who was on his way to do his grocery shopping – he kindly offered to purchase them for me so I could carry on with the set up.

I returned to the St Nonnatus hall and continued to prepare and decorate with , where we were joined by Hattie Hughes and Ben Andrews around 5.30pm. The preparations were rather fraught – we spilled a bottle of wine and managed to knock a statue of Jesus into the buffet . . . But, as is always the case, we got there in the end and were ready when parents began to arrive from 6pm, and could help themselves to drinks and snacks if they wished.

At 6.30pm sharp, the event began – Miss Stitchwell was a very punctual lady. We raised a toast to her late father and founder of the school, the Reverend Stitchwell, who has recently passed away. Miss Stitchwell then discussed her plans for the year. It had been anticipated that she would retire as Head, but instead she reconfirmed her commitment to the school and her intention to remain in post for a further five years.

She had been clearing her throat and coughing, but it is always stuffy in our hall. However, it quickly became apparent that it was more serious when she started to struggle for breath – and then she collapsed. I immediately dialled 999 to call for an ambulance. Ben tried to administer first aid, while Clive and went in search of the on-site EpiPens that are always kept in Miss Stitchwell’s and the main office. But it was all in vain. By the time the paramedics arrived, Miss Stitchwell had already died. It was a terrible day for us all.

Signature witnessed by:

PARENTCHAT

Clearer Community Communication

ST NONNATUS CE PRIMARY

Ora et labora

Weds 26 Oct

Mrs Marcia [email protected]

To: Whole School

Re: Next Steps

Dear Parents,

Firstly, we hope that you are all as well as can be expected during these dark and difficult days. I would like to draw the attention of our whole community to the support that has been made available to adults and children in light of Miss Stitchwell’s sudden, tragic passing. Details of phone lines and support services are at the bottom of this missive and Reverend McAlester has expressly asked me to convey that her doors, arms and ears are always open at the church.

However heavy our hearts, I hope you’ll agree that our late Headmistress would be the first to encourage life to go on. And so, in that spirit, we’re relieved to report that St Nonnatus Primary will reopen next Monday 31 October , following the conclusion of both the police and coroner’s investigations at the school.

We thank you for your patience during this period of home schooling and fully acknowledge the impact it will have had on family life, especially coming so soon after the half-term break. However, we remind parents once again that when your child’s camera is on during virtual lessons, it is possible for the whole class to see and hear whatever is occurring in the background. Your precaution, discretion and appropriate language would be greatly appreciated, regardless of your views of the Loose Women .

We will be holding a Service of Thanksgiving for the life of Miss Claudia Stitchwell at the church this Friday 28 October at 2pm, followed by refreshments in the Village Hall. As we have been so painfully reminded, St Nonnatus is a nut-free school and we ask that any food contributions strictly adhere to our allergy policy, on or off-site. You are also politely advised that alcohol will not be served either before or after the ceremony. In light of new guidelines following the distressing scenes at last year’s Advent Carol Service, we respectfully ask that alcohol is not brought onto the premises, nor that children are asked to conceal it in their school water bottles on their parents’ behalves.

After consultation with the governors, it has been decided that Mr Ben Andrews will assume the role of Acting Headteacher with immediate effect. Ben’s contribution as Deputy Head has been unparalleled and we can think of no safer pair of hands to steer us through these challenging times until the position can be filled on a permanent basis.

Might I also take this opportunity to remind parents to be considerate to our neighbours when parking near the school, ensuring that no driveways are blocked or any access impeded. As the first port of call at the office, I am often the recipient of the frustrations caused by careless parking and I would consider it a personal kindness if these were kept to a minimum this year.

I leave you with the words of Charles Dickens: ‘We need never be ashamed of our tears’.

Wishing you all the best,

Mrs Marcia Cox

School Manager

St Nonnatus Primary School

The Parent Trap

Priya, Al, Tanya

Friday 28 October

13.02

Priya

Hey Tan. . .

You okay, babe?

Al

You beat me to it.

How did it go this morning?

Tanya

Urgh.

That’s the third time the police have interviewed me.

I don’t know what else to tell them.

THERE WERE NO NUTS IN THAT CAKE!!!

Priya

It’s just standard police procedure, I promise.

I did soooo much of this.

Unexpected deaths are an admin clusterfuck.

We have to tick our boxes.

Al

No one is blaming you, Tan.

Tanya

Seriously???!!!

EVERYONE is blaming me.

Al

No, they’re not. . .

Priya

God bless you Al.

But they really are.

Tanya

THANK YOU

(I think.)

Priya

People like an easy explanation.

Stitchwell had a nut allergy

+

There were nuts in your cake

=

Your cake killed Stitchwell

Tanya

But it’s not the right explanation.

I swear it. . .

Al

You don’t need to explain anything to us.

We believe you.

No one policed the allergy policy better than you.

I remember when you spotted Tracy Harris’s tub of Celebrations at the summer tombola. Those Snickers were out of the playground faster than an MP out of a massage parlour. . .

Priya

True dat.

I’ve met less conscientious bomb squads.

And your statement made perfect sense.

There’s nothing in there that would raise suspicion.

Not to any copper worth a damn.

Tanya

There’s nothing in there that would raise suspicion.

Thank you.

That’s a big relief.

Wait a minute. . .

How do you know?

Al

Oh God.

Robocop’s on the case again. . .

Priya

Wait a minute, how do you know?

Er. . .

Look.

You don’t work in the Met for as long as I did without developing two things:

1) an instinct for trouble

2) some very useful, if not always entirely above-board contacts

(On that, next time the kids change the passcode on your phone, Al, I’ve got a great guy.)

Tanya

What did you do. . . ?

Priya

Robocop’s on the case again . . .

Deeply problematic language to describe an electric wheelchair user, Alistair.

But kinda cool, so I’ll allow it.

Tanya

1) an instinct for trouble

And what do you mean?

Priya

Okay. . .

So hear me out. . .

This whole thing stinks.

Al

Here we go. . .

Is this like Tash Tompkins being a gangland boss all over again?

Priya

It isn’t.

(And I don’t care how long she’s been a Samaritan.

I still think Tash T is dodgy af.)

But remember:

When you’ve eliminated the impossible. . .

Al

. . . whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

So go on then, Sherlock?

Priya

I think it’s impossible that Tanya put nut allergens in that cake.

She’s too good a baker.

She’s too conscientious a person.

And – sorry Tan – frankly, she’s way too anal to make a mistake like that.

Tanya

Oh Pri. . .

Thanks so much.

That means everything.

(I think.)

Priya

And as far as we’re aware

(autopsy pending)

Stitchwell didn’t eat anything else close enough to the meeting to trigger her nut allergy.

You say she was in her office the whole time?

Tanya

Yes.

I only saw her come out of her office to get her cake.

She didn’t touch anything else.

Priya

So (autopsy pending) we can eliminate any other food.

Al

So what remains?

Priya

The truth.

Tanya

Which is?

Priya

Someone murdered Claudia Stitchwell.

Tanya

WHAT??!!!

Al

WTF, Pri?

You’ve actually lost it this time.

A murder?

In Flatford?

Like anything that interesting would happen here.

Priya

Exactly what a murderer would want you to think.

Tanya

This is. . .

You are. . .

Who would. . .

Priya

Eliminating Tan, there were four other people who had access to Stitchwell before the event

(listed alphabetically because I’m fair like that):

Ben.

Clive.

Hattie.

.

Tanya

You can’t seriously think one of them would actually kill Stitchwell?

Priya

Can’t I?

Twenty years on the force and a tenner says I can.

Al

I’ll take your money.

So first question:

How?

If it wasn’t the nut allergy and Tanya’s cake. . . ?

Tanya

It was the allergy alright.

I’ve never seen anything so horrific.

Watching Stitchwell choke like that. . .

It’ll haunt me forever.

Priya

Oh I agree it was the allergy.

I just don’t think it was Tanya’s cake.

Or at least, not how it left Tanya.

Al

So you’re saying. . .

Someone deliberately triggered Stitchwell’s allergy?

Knowing it would kill her?

Priya

There you go, Nurse Bourne.

We’ll make a detective out of you yet.

Al

Okay.

I can’t quite believe I’m going to enable this. . .

But something did strike me as weird.

Priya

Go on. . . ?

Al

So let’s say that Tan did accidentally put something in the cake.

Used the wrong ingredient.

Almond flour instead of wheat.

Nut oil instead of olive.

That kind of thing.

Tanya

But I didn’t!

Priya

We know babe.

Tanya

And anyway, refined nut oils are unlikely to trigger a response because all the proteins have been taken out.

(I did a course on it after Sue’s niece swelled up like a balloon after eating one of my mince pies.)

I never use nut flours or oils.

I won’t even let nuts in the house because I’m terrified of cross-contamination.

When Sue finally divorces me, I swear she’ll cite ‘dry roasted’ in the papers.

Priya

You see?

Anal.

Al

This is precisely my point – you know all this stuff.

To trigger the kind of fatal anaphylaxis that killed Stitchwell you need actual nut protein in sufficient quantities.

Ie, nuts, nut powder, specific cold-pressed oils. . .

So for someone who understands allergies – and Tan, you do – it would be very hard to do that accidentally.

Priya

EXACTLY!

Tanya

I just wish there’d been some cake left for them to test.

That would put me in clear, I’m sure of it.

Priya

You’re a victim of your own success.

And that is inconvenient.

For you, anyway.

For the killer, less so.

Tanya

No one liked Stitchwell.

But kill her?

Why?

Priya

Well that’s what we need to figure out.

Who would want to kill her?

Al

Who wouldn’t?

Tanya

Al!

Priya

Oh it’s true.

Everyone hated her.

Just who hated her enough?

We need good old means, motive & opportunity.

Al

The means we know.

Everyone knew about Stitchwell’s nut allergy.

It’s hereditary – she claims it was what finally bumped off the old Rev.

(Although rumour has it at the hospital that he actually died from complications relating to untreated gonorrhoea. . .)

Opportunity?

Priya

(Although rumour has it at the hospital that he actually died from complications relating to untreated gonorrhoea . . .)

This town. . . we’ll circle back to that.

You were there that afternoon, Tan.

You said what you did in your statement.

But what about the others?

Tanya

Urgh – it was all a bit of a blur.

But thinking about it. . .

I think they probably did all go to Stitchwell’s office at one point or another. . .

She was holding a load of meetings.

Priya

BINGO!

You don’t think she ate anything.

Drinks?

Tanya

I’m not sure – like I say, it was a bit chaotic.

But I think *might* have made her a cup of tea at some point. . .

Al

Jesus.

I can feel Pri getting her jollies from here.

Priya

You’re not wrong .

Anything else?

Tanya

Well of course – there was a toast to the late Reverend.

Clive poured her wine. . .

Priya

Of course!

YOU SEE!

Tanya

And Ben poured her a glass of water when she was on stage.

She kept coughing.

We thought she had a dry throat – but now perhaps it was the start of her reaction?

Al

But that rules Ben out, right?

If she was already reacting, he couldn’t have spiked her water.

Priya

Not necessarily.

She could have had a dry throat and then be poisoned.

Both things could be true.

And Ben is the only one with a clear motive atm.

Tanya

What possible motive could Ben Andrews have?

Zofia

Not surprised.

I heard he turned down the deputy headship at Shottsford House.

Apparently Stitchwell told him he was a shoo-in for the Head job when she retired.

I can’t believe it, he would have been SO good, I love Ben . . .

Tanya

Oh come off it!

You think Ben killed Stitchwell over a job?

Al

And let’s face it.

She’s lovely.

But Zofia is about as reliable an information source as GB News. . .

Priya

We all thought Stitchwell was retiring.

So Ben must have thought he was a dead cert.

With or without Zofia’s rumoured other job.

And believe me.

People have killed for a lot less.

Al

Not Ben, surely?

He’s such a good bloke.

Priya

They usually are.

Unless they’re like Clive.

He’s sketchy as all hell.

Tanya

And Hattie?

You think our lovely dinner lady is a cold-blooded killer?

Priya

I think she knows her way around food.

Which wouldn’t be unhelpful.

And . . .

Tanya

You’re just biased because you don’t like her.

Priya

She’s got an attitude problem!

Al

How’s the view from that glass house, Pri?

But could definitely kill someone.

Especially Stitchwell.

They go way back.

Tanya

Alistair!

That’s a terrible thing to say!

Although. . .

Priya

Look – they’ll all be at the service this afternoon.

I’ll ask my contact for all their statements.

I’ve got to get ready now, but I’ll send them for us to read as they arrive.

It’ll be more interesting than this bloody service.

Al

I’ll ask my contact for all their statements.

Is that even allowed?

Priya

Sure.

If we don’t get caught.

Let’s watch them all today and learn.

SUBTLY!

Tanya

I’m dreading this afternoon.

All the evil eyes on me. . .

Al

We got you, babe.

Priya

Yeah we do.

They’ll have to get past us.

And we’re gonna clear your name.

So bitches. . . ?

Let’s do this.

Priya changed the group name to ‘Robocoppers’