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Story: That’ll Teach Her
Wednesday 21 December
Local Dinner Lady Cooks Up A Murder?
Authorities have put out an all-ports alert for long-serving St Nonnatus dinner lady, Hatita Hughes (57), who is wanted in connection with the murders of headteacher Claudia Stitchwell and school business manager Clive Baxendale.
The arrest warrant was issued yesterday after Priya Mistry, a former Metropolitan police officer, submitted a dossier of new evidence linking the catering manager to the crime.
‘No one is above the law,’ Ms Mistry told the Gazette . ‘Whatever Hattie’s motives and motivations, the fact remains that a crime has been committed and the perpetrator should face justice.’
Miss Hughes’s current whereabouts remain a mystery. It is believed she is still in the country after her passport was discovered in a police search of her home, where ballistic evidence linked her to the gun that killed Mr Baxendale.
The news has been met with stunned disbelief in the community, where Miss Hughes was a beloved local character. Anyone with information regarding her movements is urged to contact Robert Alsorp of the Flatford Police, who also appealed for anyone to come forward with Miss Hughes’s fabled fruit-scone recipe.
Council Apologises For ‘Offensive’ Christmas Lights
‘We thought they were candy canes,’ it says of the adult illuminations.
Local Man Gets OBE In New Year’s Honours
Barry ‘Bootleg’ O’Connor nominated by local MP Jerry Jenkins for ‘services to finance’.
PARENTCHAT
Clearer Community Communication
ST NONNATUS CE PRIMARY
Ora et labora
Year 6 Tiger Class
click here for group info
Weds 21 Dec
13.41
Tanya
Happy End of Term everyone!
We made it!
Al
Thank God!
I’m absolutely knackered!
Now we just have to buy, wrap, shop, cook. . .
Stella
I just wanted to publicly congratulate Priya.
I’m a firm believer in law and order.
What you did was entirely the right thing to do.
Jane
I just can’t believe it. . .
Hattie?
Zofia
I always thought she was dodgy. . .
And did anyone else hear?
Apparently Andy is coming back as caretaker next term!
Priya
What you did was entirely the right thing to do.
That’s kind of you Stella.
It wasn’t just me.
Tanya and Al have been a huge support.
Al
Too kind.
But you were right.
And I’m so glad that the force has recognised it.
Tanya
Yes!
Huge congrats on the new job, Priya.
Flatford will be so much safer for having you back on the force.
On another note. . .
I just wanted to thank you all for making the fair such a success.
We raised over ￡6,000!
Sharon
That’s amazing sweetheart!
Well done everyone for all your hard work.
Karl
Apparently Andy is coming back as caretaker next term!
I’m glad.
The kids loved him.
And I owe that man a drink.
(Although I might ask him to make it – those cocktails. . .)
Kiera Fisher has joined the group ‘Year 6 Tigers’
Kiera
Hey everyone.
Just wanted to wish you all a Happy Christmas.
Sharon
Aw – same to you, love
And good to see you here!
Now you can talk balls with the rest of us!
Stella
Sharon. . .
Sharon
I meant Christmas balls
Priya
Just wanted to wish you all a Happy Christmas.
Great to see you, Kiera.
Looking forward to lunch next week.
Kiera
Me too – I’ll see you at Amelia’s party.
Jenna
Hey everyone!
I just wanted to thank you all for everything you’ve done for us.
The care you took of my Jacob
Flo
It was all our pleasure.
It’s so good to have you home.
Mike
It really is. . .
Annie
Me too – I’ll see you at Amelia’s party.
Amelia’s having a party?
Sarah
[It’s me! The original and still the best!]
I think we’re all ready for Christmas!
Here’s to a quieter Spring term!
Donna
It’s been quite the baptism of fire!
Most exciting thing to happen at my last school was conjunctivitis season!
Have a great Christmas everyone.
(Oh – and Eric and I are hosting Xmas drinks round mine on Friday if anyone fancies it. . .)
Felicity
Amelia’s having a party?
Oh love – didn’t Sasha give you the invite?
She’s on the list!
Annie
Oh!
Great!
When is it?
Felicity
Friday.
Annie
BOLLOCKS – WE’RE AT CENTRE PARCS!!!
Zofia
(Oh – and Eric and I are hosting Xmas drinks round mine on Friday if anyone fancies it . . .)
You are, are you?
You and Eric. . . ?
Donna
You and Eric . . . ?
Eric
You and Eric . . . ?
Smashing!
Eric
No!
I mean
Donna
You sure, love?
Sharon
Behave you young lovebirds!
I’ll be round!
You know me, never miss a party.
Priya
Me too!
Kiera
I’d love that.
Tanya
Count me in!
Dustin
(Oh – and Eric and I are hosting Xmas drinks round mine on Friday if anyone fancies it . . .)
Sorry, we’d love to.
But we’ll be settling Adel in.
He’s coming to stay with us.
Indefinitely.
Tanya
OH MY DAYS!
This is the best news!
Al
Nice one you guys!
(I’d recommend a sitter, but. . .)
Stella
It’s a wonderful thing you are doing.
Happy Christmas Dustin and Barney.
Sending your whole family joy.
Dustin
Thank you Stella, that means the world.
Same to you and yours.
Felicity
Well what a fantastic way to end the year
Have a great Christmas everyone (sod the diet).
Karl
Season’s greetings!
Dustin
Happy Christmas everyone!
Zofia
Weso?ych ?wi?t!
Suggested translation: Happy Easter.
Karen
Happy Hanukkah!
Borys
Щасливого Р?здва!
Suggested translation: Halloween is Joyful.
Flo
Happy Appropriated Pagan Festival!
Stella
Merry Christmas one and all.
Petra
Has anyone seen Archie?
I think he’s lost himself
(Although we are genuinely missing his jumper, PE shorts and left shoe if anyone has seen them.)
Mariam
Suggested translation: Get well soon.
Sharon
Has anyone seen Archie?
Is he clearly named?
Mike
See you all next term!
Jennie
Does anyone know where to buy a live reindeer?
Priya
Love you, you crazy biatches!
Tanya
Tigers are the best!
Al
Someone’s been at the egg nog early!
Happy Christmas.
God (or your personal equivalent) bless us. Every one.
Priya
AND FUCK THE SPELLINGS!
Laura
Oh yeah, big Daddies.
Come to Mama.
I want you both to drill me hard like a dirty Black and Decker. . .
Laura has left the group