Page 2

Tuesday 25 October

Headmistress Dies In Allergy Tragedy

The headteacher of St Nonnatus Primary School died last night from respiratory complications arising from a severe nut allergy.

Claudia Stitchwell was pronounced dead at the scene after collapsing at a school event in the hall.

‘It was horrifying,’ said one witness. ‘At first she was just coughing, like she had a dry throat. But even after they brought her some water, she kept going. Then she started gasping for breath, before keeling over . . . It was like something out of a horror film. Thank God no kids were there to see it. I’ll have nightmares for years.’

A full investigation is now taking place at the school, which will be closed until further notice to allow the authorities to conduct their enquiries. The source of the allergen is unknown, although the severity of Miss Stitchwell’s allergy was not.

‘I don’t get it,’ said another parent. ‘We have the strictest no-nut policy. A parent once brought a coffee-and-walnut to the Valentine’s Day bake sale. Miss Stitchwell locked her in the Key Stage 1 Wendy house, before getting the caretaker to escort her out the playground in a makeshift Hazmat suit made from an Alton Towers poncho.

‘Everyone knew not to bring nuts or anything nut-related on to school grounds. I just don’t understand how this could have happened.’

Details of a planned public memorial service at St Nonnatus Parish Church will be released in due course. The school has requested, in lieu of flowers and in accordance with the deceased’s lifelong campaigning, that donations are made to the St Augustine Moral Correction Camp for Errant Youths.

Investigation Launched Into Village Fete Corruption

‘My marrow conformed to regulations,’ disputed winner insists.

New Kidney Stone Record Set

A patient at Flatford General passed a 14mm kidney stone yesterday in what doctors are hailing as ‘a career high’.