Page 32

“Take one more step and I’ll scream.” My voice rattled with fear-filled desperation that I knew he heard, but still, something in it made him pause.

I’d gotten through Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of Thursday before Jayden’s return in my life was confirmed.

I’d been beginning to think that maybe I’d been seeing things on Saturday when I thought I’d seen him.

Jayden wasn’t one to slip into the shadows and disappear, so by Thursday morning, I’d been certain I’d been seeing things.

I hadn’t.

He’d been real that Saturday morning, even though I so desperately wanted him to be an apparition. I could accept that—I really could. I’d even told myself my seeing him in the park had been me slipping into my ways of self-sabotage. I’d begun to convince myself all was well and that I was safe.

But now I knew I wasn’t. Because my monster had returned and he wasn’t an apparition. He was real as real could be. And he’d come for me.

That’s why I was standing in the science fiction section of the Library between eight-thirty and nine, with a cart of books between my little body, and the man who had haunted my nightmares for years.

I’d always suspected this day would come—eventually. He’d want his revenge for all I’d taken from him when I confessed to the horror of his crime. Unlike me, Jayden was of the age to pay, as an adult, for his sins. And he had paid. He’d paid in prison.

“I’m not here to hurt you, Amara.” He said gently, his hands lifting in surrender. “I just—I shouldn’t be here.”

“You’re right.” I said, shaking. “You shouldn’t.”

The book I clutched to my chest was the only shield I had to wield—and I wielded it like it might just save me from whatever bullets Jayden aimed my way. His eyes fell to the book and lifted back to my face.

He looked—well; there was sorrow and apology I couldn’t understand in his gaze. I couldn’t connect it to the monster I’d once known. “I had to come. It’s—I promise you this will be the last time you’ll ever see me.”

“Good.”

“Amara, listen, I . . .”

“What do you want?” God, I hated the weakness I knew he could hear in my words. I hated it so much, because it didn’t seem to matter how strong I became, when it came to Jayden, I’d always be the weak little girl he manipulated and used.

“I’m sorry. For everything.”

“You’re sorry?” I couldn’t believe this. “You’re sorry you’re a horrible person?”

“I’ve gotten help. I don’t—do what I once did. I’m not that person anymore.”

“I don’t care.” I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear about this.

“I know.” He said quietly, looking to his shoes.

“I just, it’s selfish, I guess.” He paused, but I didn’t speak.

“I have my whole life ahead of me and I know I made mistakes. I made them and I’ll regret them forever, but I want to be better now.

I can be better and for me, that starts with closing the door to my past.”

“Am I a door?”

“Yes.”

I wanted to ask about the girl he’d ruined. Was she a door too?

As though reading my mind, he admitted, “I have a lot of doors to close.”

Again, I said nothing.

“I’ve gotten help, Amara. I’ve had years of counseling and when I’m finished here tonight, I have a flight to catch.

I’m going away and starting new. But I wanted you to know I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.

I’m sorry I tainted you. I just needed you to know that.

I needed to know that you were happy.” He didn’t smile, but there was something surprisingly gentle in his eyes.

It had something inside of me stilling. It wasn’t forgiveness; I didn’t think I had it in me to give that to him.

I didn’t think I was strong enough yet, or secure in myself enough, to give forgiveness to either of us. Not now. Maybe not ever.

He continued. “I know you saw me Saturday. I saw you first though. I saw you with him and I knew it then—you are happy. I wasn’t going to seek you out, but then you saw me.

And I knew I freaked you out. I knew I took your happiness again, manipulated you again.

I couldn’t leave without making that right. So I’m here.”

“You think this makes it all better?” I asked, not quite knowing what possessed me.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me, but I hope one day you do.

As for me, I have to find a way to forgive myself.

I know I’m your monster, but I have monsters of my own I know I’ll fight every day,” he looked, for a moment, like a young boy.

And for the first time, I thought that maybe Jayden wasn’t solely the monster, but the victim to a crime I didn’t entirely understand.

A victim who’d become something abhorrent in response to the pain he suffered. “I hope you have a nice life, Amara.”

I watched as he turned, but it wasn’t until he was at the end of the aisle, that I called, “Jay,” he turned, hope in his eyes. That’s when I said the words I never thought I’d say, “I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope you find—good.”

“Me too.” His chin dipped into his chest, and I thought maybe he was going to cry. “I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t know what possessed me to say the words I said next.

I didn’t know where the strength came from.

I didn’t even know that I was ready to take this next step in healing—until the words sounded—echoing in the distance between us.

“I forgive you for the pain you caused me. I forgive you—not for you, but for me. But Jayden, I never want to see you again.”

He didn’t smile, but his eyes were filled with a tortured relief that was both achingly devastating and sweetly liberating.

Then Jayden was gone from my life.

It was as a long breath blew out from between my lips as my body sagged against the shelf of books, that I felt the pressure in my soul abate. I was finally, truly, wholly free.

In forgiveness, I had found liberation.

It was then that I realized the hard truth. Sometimes it takes facing your past, with all the monsters and all the pains that lurk within it, before you can really and truly find the peace you need to move on, move forward, and find happiness.

And I couldn’t find that true happiness until I released my heart from its prison of hate.

I burst through the door of the condo I shared with Beckett exactly an hour and a half later.

As expected, he was sitting at the island counter, nose buried in his books.

I desperately hoped he was up for a study break, because I was feeling free in a way that demanded action. Not only action, but immediate action.

I kicked off my boots, shucked my jacket and was halfway across the living room when he spun around on his stool to greet me.

My fingers worked the buttons of my thin sweater and I dropped that to the floor moments before the thin camisole followed.

I was in my bra at the end of the couch, Beckett’s stunned eyes on me, when my hands began to work the button of my jeans.

Then Beckett was there and he was taking my wrists in his hands, guiding them up and over his shoulders.

He hauled my body up against his, and in response, my legs wrapped around his waist. I hadn’t been in the mood since seeing Jayden on Saturday. But even before, I hadn’t felt as though I had the freedom to take him this way—but now, well; I was free.

“I see you’re up for a study break.” The words were spoken between hot kisses against his neck. I knew he was taking me to our bedroom, and I couldn’t wait until he dropped me onto the bed, stripped and took me.

God, I couldn’t wait.

“I’m up for this break lasting all night, baby.” He replied, moving through the doorway and into the dark room. A gap in the curtains showed a thin sliver of amber light from the streetlamp, but the rest was ensconced in shadows.

Beckett dropped me to the bed and I bounced, gasping in anticipation as I watched his hands move to remove his shirt, and then he unbuttoned his jeans.

But he didn’t remove them. Instead, he bent and pressed his mouth to my hip.

He kissed me hot and wet, sucking and nipping gently at my skin.

And then I felt his fingers dipping into the band of my jeans.

Slowly, he pulled the material down my legs until I was in nothing but my lacy sky blue underwear.

Starting at my ankle, Beckett kissed up the length of my leg as I writhed in need on the bed. I let the sounds my body begged to make break free—and they did. Moans and pants of need spilled into the dark silence as Beckett took his time kissing me.

“Feeling a little frisky?” The deep sound of his voice rumbled through my whole body. “I like it.”

“God,” I pleaded. “Please.”

“I know what you need,” he promised. “I’ll make sure you have everything. Always.”

“I need it,” I whispered, “hard.”

“Fast.”

“Yes.” See how perfect he is? He always knows—everything I need, he just knows.

His hands moved to my panties and I lifted my hips quickly, helping him to remove the material.

As he stood back to remove the remainder of his clothing, I pushed up off the bed to unclasp my bra.

I wanted him now without barriers. I wanted him hot and full.

I wanted him raw and real. I wanted him now.

“Now.” I said, dropping back to the bed as he moved over me. And then he dropped his weight to my body, caging me beneath him as I took his length between my legs. And on one long hard thrust, I had him. All of him. Hard and fast. Exactly how I needed.

“Amara,” he grunted.

“Beck,” tossing my head back, I moaned. “Yes, that’s it. God, yes.”

“Hold on.” He commanded. I obeyed with just seconds to spare as he flipped us so I was on top. And then he sat up, still moving his hips beneath me, pushing deeper inside.

It was a whole new angle—and a whole new sexual experience. Wild. Hot. Passionate.