Page 34 of Surrendering His Heart (Buena Hills #4)

Hallie was upset.

She’d been on the verge of tears when she’d excused herself from Christian’s kitchen. And the look on her face still haunted him as he sat in the darkness of Isla’s room, waiting for his daughter to fall asleep.

What did I do wrong this time, Dad?

An immediate thought jumped into his brain.

He shouldn’t have confided in her about his problems. She’d seemed fine until he started talking.

His past was a heavy burden, one that he’d held inside for years.

Only Mom, Dani, and Tyler knew the extent of his trauma, and what he shared with them only had to do with the girls.

He refused to talk about how Sabrina’s abandonment still affected him every single day.

They’d only tell him it wasn’t his fault, that he’d done his best to fix things.

Logically, he knew they were right. But logic didn’t stop the pain.

Talking to Hallie tonight had been … refreshing in a strange sort of way. She didn’t try to heal him or convince him to let it go.

She’d just listened.

And when talking had become too difficult, when the bitterness and grief threatened to spill out, she’d held him. Only some strong sorcery could push out the negative emotions he’d dragged around for years, replacing it with peace.

Peace.

That was the effect her touch had on him. Like he could finally breathe after being held underwater. It hadn’t fixed anything, yet for as long as she hugged him, he began to feel like he could eventually find healing.

Still, he shouldn’t have dumped his problems onto her .

He crept silently from Isla’s room, leaving the door partly open to let the hallway light illuminate a path to her bed. He always kept it on in case of any nighttime wanderings, which more often than not ended with her crawling in with him.

Entering his room, he crossed to the window overlooking the street. His car sat alone in the driveway, which didn’t ease his concern. He’d noticed her sedan still parked next to his Highlander when he’d locked the door on his way upstairs with Isla, several minutes after she’d made her exit.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and sent off a quick text.

Christian: Thanks again for watching the girls. Did you make it home okay?

He set his phone on his dresser to change out of his work clothes, continuing his one-sided exchange with Dad. She’s okay, right? I was imagining her tears. He’d simply been projecting his sorrow onto her.

His self-assurance didn’t stop him from abandoning the shirt he was about to put on and snatching the phone from his dresser as soon as it buzzed. Hallie’s name lit up the screen.

Hallie: Safe and sound. Heading for bed.

Hallie: Btw … I still have the girls’ extra seats in my car. Sorry I didn’t take them out before I left.

Christian: No worries. I’ll grab them tomorrow.

Now he had an excuse to see her again. Not that he should want one. But his mouth slid upward as he walked into the master bathroom to brush his teeth. While spreading toothpaste onto his brush, his phone vibrated again.

Hallie: I was thinking about something on the way home.

Christian: Yeah?

Three dots performed the wave below his message before disappearing. They reappeared only to go away again. Whatever she wanted to say was causing some hesitation.

Hallie: Remember when you asked me to babysit? You said you haven’t found a replacement nanny, and you were desperate.

He vaguely recalled mentioning that somewhere in the word vomit spewing from his mouth during their phone conversation.

Christian: Yeah…

More vanishing dots. They danced across the screen three times before a message appeared.

Hallie: What if I watched the girls?

She couldn’t be serious. Hastily, he rinsed the toothpaste from his mouth before jabbing the icon at the top of the text thread to dial her number.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” he said once she’d answered.

“You’re not asking. I’m offering.”

He dropped onto his bed, kicking his feet onto the mattress.

“Hallie, I really don’t feel right about imposing on you with this.

Watching the girls five days a week is a lot, and you have your own obligations.

I can’t expect you to solve my problems too.

” Not to mention she was already invading his thoughts most of the time.

He’d do well to distance himself from her, a difficult feat if she was in his home every weekday afternoon.

And what about his girls? It wouldn’t be fair to allow them to get close to Hallie and have her inevitably disappear. It would break their hearts .

“It would only be temporary until you find someone else,” she said.

That didn’t make him feel better considering the way Isla had regressed following Annelise’s departure.

“I can handle a few hours on weeknights,” Hallie continued. “At least until I find a job.”

“Job?” Christian asked, momentarily pushing his reservations about her offer aside. “What about your business?”

A sigh laced her words as she responded. “My savings are running out really fast. And I don’t have any orders coming up besides the Hawthornes’ and yours. I’m not exactly rolling in the dough right now.”

“I see what you did there.” Her unintended pun pulled a chuckle from Christian before he realized how insensitive it sounded. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Hal.”

“Thanks.” Despondency hung in her voice. “Who knows, maybe working for someone else for a while will be a good thing. It’ll give me valuable insight to take with me if I finally get my bakery.”

If? She must really be worried if she’d downgraded her dream status to if.

“I applied for a position as a baker’s assistant,” she continued, “but I found out today I didn’t get it. Not enough experience. So, it’s back to square one.”

Had that been what had bothered her before? As bad as it sounded, Christian hoped her discouragement had only been due to her disappointment rather than the things he’d told her. “If that’s the direction you want to go, I’m sure you’ll find something. But I get your discouragement.”

“You do?”

More than she knew. “Believe me, the job I have now isn’t my dream job.”

“If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?”

He’d spent hours thinking about his previous career goals. At night while snuggling Penelope in the peaceful quiet of her dark room. After every agonizing team meeting or lecture from Jim. Still, he rarely, if ever, spoke them out loud.

“I wanted to form my own tech startup. Nothing big, just me and maybe one other person. Something with a flexible schedule so I can spend more time with the girls. I hate having to miss so much by being in the office all day. They’re growing up so fast.”

Not to mention the wonders that would work on Isla if he didn’t have to leave all the time. “But I never had the luxury of building it up before the girls came, and they kind of need to eat.” He pushed out a breathy laugh.

“You’re a good dad,” Hallie said softly. “Isla and Penelope are really lucky to have you in their corner.”

When was the last time anyone had told him that? He was sure Mom had from time to time. But she was his mother; she had to say stuff like that. Dani may have mentioned something similar too. But had anyone outside his family ever made an effort to ease his doubts?

I’m lucky to have you, Hallie.

He squeezed his eyes shut. No, he didn’t have her. And he shouldn’t want her.

He shook away the unsettling reminder of his ill-advised crush on his best friend’s sister.

“I really can’t complain. I have a good job that pays well with full benefits.

And besides my lackluster boss, I love the people I work with.

Many college graduates just starting out aren’t so lucky.

But I understand the discouragement that comes from having to pivot away from what you’d rather be doing. ”

“Yeah. I’m sure I’ll figure things out.” She sighed, and he could feel her mood shifting with the sound. “In the meantime, I’m free to help you.”

“I don’t know.” There had to be a million things she’d rather be doing on a weekday than hanging out with little kids.

“It makes sense. The girls already know me. Even Isla warmed up after a while, and I know you’re super stressed about her. Let me take this off your plate.”

Christian stretched out onto his bed, bringing his free hand to rest behind his head. She made all valid points, especially about the girls responding well to her. That’s what I’m worried about.

But wouldn’t he have the same problem no matter who he hired?

As much as Annelise had felt like part of their family, she wasn’t.

And her life goals had made it necessary to say goodbye.

Nannies, by design, were a temporary fix.

They didn’t replace the fact that his girls don’t have a mother.

Perhaps he could use this as a teaching opportunity, especially for Isla.

If he prepared her early, she’d have an easier time transitioning to someone new. Hopefully.

And on the good side, letting Hallie step in for a while would get his boss off his back.

He exhaled a resigned sigh. “Fine. If you’re willing to watch them, I won’t say no. But I have … stipulations.” More like boundaries. Barriers to keep his heart in check.

“Like what?”

“You are not, under any circumstances, allowed to clean my house.” He’d let her watch his kids, but he wouldn’t add maid service to her duties.

Her strangled groan brought a smile to his face. “The sight of a messy kitchen gives me hives.”

Christian chuckled. “I can’t tell if you’re joking, so for the sake of your physical health, I’ll add an exception to that rule. You can straighten the kitchen after using it. But nothing else.”

“I don’t know,” she deadpanned. “I’ve seen the state of your laundry hamper.”

“Don’t touch my laundry, Hal,” he barked, more sternly than he’d intended.

She laughed, and the melodic sound reached all the way inside him, bringing peace to his heart, the same way hugging her had earlier. “Okay, okay. I won’t touch your laundry.”

“Good.” Christian’s smile remained plastered to his face. “There’s one more thing.”

“Fine. I won’t clean your bathrooms either.”

“They’re not even that messy.” Aside from a little clutter of bottles on the counters, the bathrooms were the cleanest rooms in the house. “ But that’s not my stipulation. I want to pay you. Twenty-five dollars an hour.”

“Twenty-five?” She sputtered. “Christian … uh … That’s too much. I can’t … ask you … for that.”

“It’s a good thing you’re not asking, then.”

She laughed again, though more subdued than a minute ago. “I see you throwing my words back at me.”

“And I’ll keep doing that until you agree.” He turned onto his side, propping himself onto his elbow. “You’re taking a huge load off my shoulders. I want to help you too. So please let me.”

“Why?”

Because you deserve it. Because even though I don’t know why, I want to ease your burdens. Because just being near you makes me feel more alive than I have in years …

“ It’s a fair rate. I paid our last nanny that much, and I’ll pay the next one the same. And because we’re friends, I refuse to take advantage of you.”

“You want to be friends?”

“I really do.” The words left a funny taste in his mouth.

“Me too.” Why did her response sound so sad?

Christian could sense the mood shifting, returning to the foreboding that plagued him earlier. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You seemed down when you left my house. Is it your job situation?”

“Not exactly,” she admitted. “I’m working through some things right now. I’ll be fine, though.”

She didn’t sound fine. And that bothered him more than it should. He almost said as much, but stopped himself. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

After hanging up, Christian set his phone on the nightstand and clicked off the light.

Laying on his side in the darkness, a weight clung to him as he ran through their conversation.

The words they said, Hallie’s despondent tone, and her admission of having to work through some things.

Knowing that she grappled with anything, whatever it was, triggered his protective instincts.

He was already doing everything he could think of to help her business. But was he doing enough for her?

It hurt seeing her struggle. Despite his own rising doubts about letting her get close to his girls—and him—he could no longer fight the fact that he cared about her. And he wanted to help her feel the peace that she’d brought to him.

But was he capable of opening his heart enough to try?