Page 33 of Surrendering His Heart (Buena Hills #4)

Hallie brought a hand to her mouth, as though that would ease the tightening in her chest. She could feel the devastation he must have felt discovering his wife’s abandonment and knowing he’d have to hold it together for his kids. How traumatizing.

Christian kept his focus on the tabletop in front of him. “We’d planned to wait for several years before having children. We were just kids ourselves. But birth control isn’t one hundred percent effective. Keep that in mind when … you know.”

“Maybe you should remember to mention that when it comes time to give your girls the talk,” Hallie said to cover up the blush traveling up her neck.

He winced, pushing out a breathy laugh as he shook his head. “Why’d you have to bring that up? I can’t even cope with the idea of handling their first periods.”

Well, this conversation had certainly taken an unexpected turn.

Of all the topics she’d imagined discussing with him, menstrual cycles weren’t on the list. Yet their shared laughter, though subdued, managed to cut through the heaviness entrapping the room, an oddly peaceful calm replacing it.

The calm that came when friends shared their burdens.

Friends. That sounded nice. Regardless of his off-limits dating status, she couldn’t deny wanting him in her life.

“I didn’t want to be a father at twenty-one.” His smile dropped. “But it’s the way my life turned out. And I still can’t grasp why Sabrina would just take off like that.”

Wait. Hallie recognized that name. “Sabrina. Your dance partner?”

Christian shot an alarmed glance her way. “How’d you know?”

Whoops. She hadn’t meant to let that comment slip. And now wasn’t a good time to admit she’d spent the entire afternoon stalking him on the internet. She shook her head. “You’re still angry with her.”

Thankfully, Christian didn’t press for an explanation. “It’s been three years, and I can’t let it go. And despite that anger, I keep running in circles, wondering if I could’ve done more to fix our marriage. That maybe I drove her away somehow.”

His words came faster, as if his brain literally ran in circles as he spoke.

“Or what if we hadn’t eloped? What if I’d insisted on waiting a couple years like my gut was telling me. Maybe I never would’ve married her in the first place. But I thought I loved her.” He dropped his head into his hands. “Now I don’t know what love is. Or if it even exists.”

Against her better judgement, Hallie placed a hand on his knee. “Of course it does. You love your daughters. Anyone around you can feel that.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

He didn’t answer. “I regret so much of my marriage, of my relationship with her.” He dragged his head from side-to-side. “But I can’t regret my girls. They mean everything to me.”

Hallie rubbed her nose with the back of her hand, willing her eyes to contain their moisture.

A tear slipped down her cheek anyway, though she didn’t notice until the salty taste reached her top lip.

Why was she crying? Was it because her chest quite literally ached for him and the trauma he’d been through?

Or was a little bit of her heart breaking, realizing this man she couldn’t forget about was so emotionally out of reach?

He didn’t believe in love?

Tyler had warned her that Christian wasn’t ready to get involved with anyone. His concern made complete sense now, though she was in too deep to listen to that advice.

Rising from her chair, she stepped to Christian, wrapping her arms around him from behind. At first, he didn’t move. He seemed frozen; in shock or indecision, she didn’t know. Then slowly, he pushed back his chair. No words were spoken as he got to his feet and returned her hug.

Hallie nestled her cheek onto his chest, circling her hands to rest underneath his flexed shoulder blades. So many questions bombarded her mind. Did he still have feelings for Sabrina? Could doubting love’s existence only be his hurt talking? Was he waiting for her to come back?

Even the slightest possibility of that gave Hallie more reason to run for the hills. Yet she couldn’t abandon him. Not after what he’d just told her.

She squeezed her eyes shut, willing her thoughts to calm. His heartbeat pounded against her cheek, in sync with her own racing pulse.

“Sorry.” He stepped back. “I didn’t mean to burden you with all my problems.”

He ran his hand down her arm, tangling his fingers with hers. Hallie didn’t have the heart to let go as she reclaimed her seat. Christian scooted his own chair closer until they sat with their knees touching.

“Don’t be sorry.” She placed her other hand on his thigh. “Sometimes, it helps to get things off your chest. Have you talked to anyone about this? Like a therapist, or Tyler even?”

“I’ve told Tyler some. And my mom.” His shoulders lifted then dropped heavily. “Other than that, when would I have the time?”

Shifting her knees to the side, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Maybe you should find the time. It’s not fair to carry this burden forever. The girls deserve more. You deserve more.”

She meant that completely. And she wanted him to be happy. Even if she couldn’t find her own happiness with him, despite realizing that part of her wanted exactly that.

His arms came around her for a moment, and he rested his face in her hair, his breath hot in her ear. They sat holding each other for a moment, until he lifted his head, and his arms fell away from her.

“Hey, kiddo. What’re you doing out of bed? ”

Isla stood in the doorway leading into the living room. Sleep marks lined her face, her hair a haphazard array of curls.

“I had a bad dream,” she said groggily, looking at them with her head tilted to one shoulder. Was that suspicion in her eyes?

In an instant, Christian resumed the role of compassionate father. “Come here, sweetheart.” He stood, lifting the child into his arms.

The sight of him tenderly clutching Isla to his chest sent another surge of emotion swelling inside Hallie. Her heart threatened to burst with affection from witnessing their sweet interaction while simultaneously shattering for herself.

“I’ll let myself out,” she said, hoping to make it to her car without crying in front of them. “Goodnight, Isla.”

The child gave her a sleepy wave, her head resting on her father’s shoulder. “I had fun making cookies today.”

Hallie reached out to squeeze her hand. “Me too. Maybe we can do it again sometime.”

She glanced at Christian, immediately wishing she hadn’t. His brows furrowed in concern. Not for his daughter, that much was clear with the way he studied Hallie. How much of her emotions showed on her face?

Grabbing her purse from the floor by her chair, she let herself out of the house. The emotions spilled from her as she slipped into the driver’s seat. She covered her face with her hands, and her body convulsed in torment as the tears rained down her face.

Her ugly cries lasted the entire drive home.

She wept for Christian and the trauma he’d experienced.

For the girls, knowing their mother didn’t want them.

And in the middle of it all, she cried a little for herself, because she had to stop her rapidly growing feelings but couldn’t turn her back on this family she’d grown to care about.

She’d never been so conflicted. What was she supposed to do?