Page 43 of Sunny Side Up

twenty

If you told me I was going to be wearing rubber gloves after having the most intimate, mind-blowing sex of my life—I’d have assumed it meant that one or both of us had developed a new kink.

But as Dennis and I took turns loading the dishwasher and rinsing out the lasagna pan, packing the leftovers into my fridge, it all made so much sense.

Our synchronicity had followed us from couch to shower, shower to kitchen, kitchen to dining table, and now, in partnership, as we handed and received dishes.

Like we’d been doing this forever, across lifetimes, together.

Our simulation of married bliss continued: We ate ice cream out of mugs, we brushed our teeth at the same time, in the same sink.

We climbed into bed, propped my laptop on a pillow between us, and held hands while we watched a streaming documentary about god knows what, because I was asleep against his side before the opening credits.

“Breakfast,” he yawned. I nodded into the crook of his neck and his chest, where I otherwise would have happily spent all day.

Dennis started brewing a pot of coffee while I fed Georgie and the Girls.

He pulled out the milk, I handed him the sugar and a spoon to stir.

He poured us each a cup, then asked what I wanted while handing my mug over.

“We have leftover baguette from last night, and you have eggs in the fridge. So: Toast? Eggs? French toast?”

“French toast, please,” I said, cupping my mug like I was in a Folgers commercial or something. It was as if we’d been doing this dance forever. I’d never experienced a sleepover that felt so natural before. Like a flash-forward look into domestic life. Together?

“It’s nice finally having you here in the morning,” I said.

“It’s nice being here,” he said. “The early shift.”

I laughed, just like I always did around him. But I could tell there was more he wanted to say, that the joke was teeing up something… else.

“I feel like I’ve been the one initiating our hangouts lately—”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Not what I thought he was going to say.

“I know you were sick and all that, and the swimsuit thing has been twenty-four-seven for you, and I know that you’re killing it! But I dunno, I guess I’ve been getting in my head about it.”

I straightened my back. He sounded like me.

Especially because I’d been so scared of spooking him, of moving too fast, that I kept worrying that I was the one who’d been doing all the initiating.

Was this like when two people feel like they’ve each been the one to eat all the table fries, when really, it was an equal thing the whole time?

“That was sort of the warning sign with my exes in the past, and it always left me burned. I’d get in too deep, let myself feel these big feelings, and then feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

I promised myself I wouldn’t let that happen again.

” He stirred his coffee slowly, his eyes pinned on the mug.

“Sometimes it feels like you’re, I dunno, not as into it as I am. ”

I had to laugh at this. “Dennis, I feel like I’m the one constantly restraining myself around you . I know you want to take things slow, and I respect that, of course, but, I’m here. I’ve been ready.”

As soon as I said that—“I’m here, I’ve been ready”—the look on his face changed from someone cautiously opening up about their feelings to a man full-on elated. I’m not proud to say that it made me panic.

“Last night was like, finally ,” I said, trying to recover, to drive home that by “I’m here, I’ve been ready,” I meant about the sex.

He leaned against the counter and scratched the back of his neck. “Last night was pretty amazing, huh.” He looked down at the dogs, who had already finished eating their kibble and were cuddled in a pile on the floor.

“Look at Georgie. She’s ready to move in.”

Obviously he was joking, and obviously he was talking about the dogs, but the way he was looking at me—like, deep into my soul, the way I craved, the way I’d dreamed about him looking at me more than once—it suddenly felt like he meant us , forever, and it was all a bit too real.

Dennis had real feelings. Real feelings that he’d asked me to be careful with, that I’d promised I would be careful with, even though I knew I was still repairing my own feelings.

Then came the guilt: wave after wave of it.

Dennis was easily one of the most special humans I’d ever known.

And while Ted was falling out of the picture more and more every day, I was still undeniably attracted to him.

How fully committed to Dennis could I be if a mere whiff of Ted’s cologne could make me drop to my knees and—

What if Dennis found out that I’d been dating both of them at the same time?

My usual calming refrain— We’re all adults here; no one has defined either of these relationships —wasn’t working.

In fact, it was causing me to spiral. What if this sweet, kind man found out that between endless texts with him, I was fielding flirty emails from Ted?

If Dennis was truly falling for me, which it seemed like he was, I didn’t want to be responsible for the potential heartbreak of not yet knowing how I felt.

The way he looked at me, the way he treated me last night, the way I was sure I’d felt last night: It was suddenly all too much.

I had thought it was what I wanted, what I was searching for, but in the daylight, the reality of it…

“Listen, Sunny—” Dennis started, stepping toward me with his hands out toward my waist. I had to change gears. To reclaim control.

“Oh shit, I forgot.” I said, pointing at the clock on the stove. “I have to take an early Zoom meeting for SONNY this morning. I should probably shower and get ready.”

He seemed taken aback by the sudden change in topic. He also seemed to sense that I’d just lied.

“A Zoom call on a Sunday? Yikes. They really got you working hard over there, huh?”

“It’s with one of the factories,” I said, as though that explained it. I grimaced internally.

“Those factories, man. Well, the day calls for me too. Let me just get Georgie’s things and we’ll be off. Rain check on the French toast.” He’d whipped the eggs but hadn’t soaked the bread yet. The whole tableau before me made me feel like an even bigger asshole. What was wrong with me?!

He pulled his bag together in minutes and I walked him down the hallway.

Take it back , I told myself. Tell him you can cancel the call. Cancel Ted. This is the guy. Look at him!

I did none of those things.

“I had a great night, Sun. Really,” said Dennis, then he gave me a kiss and stepped into the elevator.

“Me too. Call me later?” My pathetic attempt at redemption.

“Sure thing,” he said with a half-assed smile.

Back in my apartment, I slumped down onto one of the kitchen stools, put my head in my arms, and pressed my cheek to the cold marble. Then my phone buzzed with a text from the First Wives Club group chat.

Brooke: Sooooooooooooooooooo…???????

Noor: HOW WAS IT.

Brooke: We need details. We need cocktails. We need details about the cock tails.

I marked the chat unread. Not in the mood.

Then ten seconds later, another:

Zack: Hi Sun. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from you yet, but I get it: It’s a life-changing offer. Big deal! Want to get coffee later? We can go over the launch if you want a sounding board. No pressure about any of it. I’m just excited at what this could become.

Marked unread.

My phone buzzed again.

And again.

Oh. My. God. Everyone. Leave. Me. Alone!!!

Ted: I can’t stop thinking about the Stonebridge’s deal. Or you. Mostly you.

Ted: Let’s finalize the contract with them this week, though. This kind of offer doesn’t come around often. We don’t want them to think we’re not interested.

Marked unread.

Ten minutes later…

Dennis: I think Georgie misses the Golden Girls already. Have a good rest of your day, Sunny D.

I held the phone in my hands and reread that one over and over. I hated myself for that freakout earlier. What even was that?!

Fear , I told myself. I’d been in therapy long enough to clock that defense mechanism right away. Fear of getting hurt again, just like Dennis.

I climbed back into bed and sent a voice note to the First Wives Club:

Sunny: It was so fun when it was happening and I like him so much, but then I got weird and probably messed everything up, and now it all feels so… messy. Like I don’t know who or what to trust.

Noor: That’s easy. Trust yourself.

Brooke: A-friggen’-men.

I closed my phone, then my eyes, and asked myself what I truly wanted.

They say that “when you know, you know.” I knew. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for what knowing could bring.