Page 50 of Sunflower Persona (Classic City Romance #2)

Gage

“ F or fuck’s sake, Gage, I can’t do this again,” Nathan complains as he drops his head on the coffee table.

It’s a miracle he found a clear spot among the scattered papers and flashcards that have overrun the small surface. Beside him, Morgan looks equally as over this study session, but I’m not ready to call it quits. Not when it’s the last one I’ll get.

Karis gave up on actually helping hours ago and is sprawled out on the back of my couch like a fucking cat. Apparently, it’s more comfortable than the worn cushions. I think she’s just trying to push my buttons so I kick them all out and give them the peace they’ve been begging for.

“Just one more rep through the deck and we can call it a night,” I insist.

“Seriously, man, it’s 1 a.m., and we’ve already been through it six times. You have these questions memorized by now. You’ve passed the practice test twice. You are going to do fine.”

But what if I don’t? What if after weeks of studying and spending hundreds of dollars I didn’t have to pay for the materials and exams, I fuck it up when it really matters. Sure, I did fine on the first three sections, but those were the easy ones. Tomorrow is math.

It’s the test that proves I’m not nearly as big of a fuckup as I thought I was. But only if I pass, and with my history, I’m going to blow it when it counts.

Like the self-sabotaging bastard I am.

Morgan must see the determination on my face because his shoulders slump and he groans.

“James was expecting me home hours ago. She’s never going to let me hear the end of it,” he says, reaching for another card.

Nathan’s arm snaps out like a whip and stops him before he can read the words.

“No. We are done. Gage is more than prepared enough.”

“I’m going to say something controversial here, but I agree with Nathan,” Karis chimes in as she turns her focus toward me. “You are going to crush it.”

The absolute certainty in her gaze calms the whirlwind of nerves raging in my chest. Nathan and Morgan may try to placate me for the sake of sparing my feelings, but not her. Karis wouldn’t lie to me. I am more sure of that than I am that the sun will rise in the morning.

“Fine,” I sigh as the tension eases from my stiff back. “Thank you all for your help.”

“Anytime,” Morgan says and gathers his things without a word of protest. He claps a hand on my shoulder, uttering a few final words of confidence before he slips out the door.

The other two are slower to move. Hell, knowing Karis, she might end up crashing here.

She’s been doing it more and more frequently since things ended with Kori.

At first, I think it was because she was worried I would do something stupid again, but lately, our study sessions have gone so late, it’s more convenient to stay here than drive all the way back across town.

If I’m being completely honest with myself, her fears weren’t unfounded.

I’m not sure what I might have done if she hadn’t been a thorn in my side for weeks on end.

The gloom struck with more vehemence than normal in those days following the breakup.

It hasn’t been an ever-present force like it was after I fucked up my knee—I’ve been too focused on my new goals to wallow—but it comes in short, violent bursts.

I’m not sure if that’s better or worse.

“I would stay for a drink, but I’ve got to teach tomorrow morning, and you need to get some sleep in before you take your exam,” Nathan says as he follows our friend out.

“I’m not driving home this late,” Karis says.

“I figured as much.”

“But, somehow , Nathan is right again. You need sleep.”

“The world must be ending, because there is no way you agreed with him twice in one day.”

“One hour,” she says with horror.

“Exactly.”

“I don’t know. He’s been different lately, and not in a bad way. It feels like we are getting our pre-Chelsea friend back.”

“Don’t pretend that you would have agreed with him so easily pre-Chelsea.”

“Fine, you have a point. We are getting a more mature version of our friend.”

I grunt in acknowledgment, ignoring the unease rippling through my gut as I head to my room.

Only one thing has changed over the past couple of months, and that is the woman who still rules my thoughts.

I try to block them out, but merely thinking about her comes with a flood.

Memories that have so much joy and so much pain interwoven with the type of once-in-a-lifetime love I know I’ll never feel again.

My friend has still been in contact with her. He hasn’t rubbed it in my face, but I’ve seen her name pop up on his phone enough to know they talk—often—and every time, bitter jealousy rises in my throat.

But she isn’t mine to covet or claim anymore.

I’m glad Nathan is keeping an eye on her when I can’t. She needs someone like him in her corner, and I’m pretty sure he needs her just as much. Maybe I’m projecting. It’s a good thing either way; I know he’ll keep her safe.

I strip and crawl into my bed without turning on the lights.

The pillow beside me has long since lost her scent, but that hasn’t stopped me from clutching it to my chest every fucking night while staring at the photo of Yellow I keep on my bedside table like some sort of simp.

Morgan looks like a man with a healthy concept of attachment compared to my level of pathetic.

She isn’t even looking at the camera. I snapped the shot while she was filling me in on the differences between two of the most recent eras in the Godzilla franchise.

Her words went in one ear and out the other.

I was too captivated by her pure excitement for the subject to pay attention to anything but her, and I felt the need to capture it forever. And I’m glad I did.

I should have taken thousands of photos of our time together.

Eventually, the memories will fade. But now, like clockwork, those thoughts haunt my mind as I try to drift to sleep.

It’s a blessing and a curse. For as much as thinking about my past mistakes hurts, I’ll always be grateful for that short time I had with her.

Even as a fragment of my tortured imagination, her bright light is enough to keep the gloom at bay, and it’s with thoughts of my sunflower woman that I finally drift to sleep knowing that if all goes as planned in the morning, I’ll be one step closer to being the man she already thought I was.

***

“Anything yet?” Nathan asks for the sixth time in as many minutes.

“Results can take one to three business days,” I explain. Again.

“But you got the other results within an hour,” he protests.

“And it hasn’t even been thirty goddamn minutes yet,” I half shout.

His impatience isn’t doing anything to help calm my nerves, and I’m going to kick him out of my fucking apartment if he doesn’t chill out.

Hell, I didn’t even invite him over here.

The motherfucker showed up and let himself in while I was taking the exam, then started pestering me the minute I walked out.

I really need to get those keys back.

He starts to open his mouth again, and I have half a mind to throttle him, but we are both cut off by my phone chiming. Our eyes lock on the device sitting on the counter. I put it there twenty minutes ago to stop refreshing my email every five seconds.

“Is that it?” my friend asks.

“I don’t fucking know. The notifications don’t get beamed directly into my head.”

“Check, you idiot.”

I start to reach for it but hesitate before my fingers brush against the cool plastic. What if I failed? I think I’d rather have a few more minutes of blissful ignorance than deal with the crushing disappointment that might wait for me. I’m not sure I’d find my way out of that spiral.

Seeing my cowardice, Nathan grabs my phone and shakes his head while muttering something I can’t make out.

“What’s your password.” He doesn’t try to mask the exasperation in his tone.

“5-6-7-4,” I reply automatically.

He types the numbers in, freezes, and lets out an amused huff.

“Seriously, your password is ‘Kori,’” he says with a chuckle.

“Shut up. Like yours wouldn’t be ‘Chelsea’ if there were the right number of letters,” I shoot back, but the tips of my ears grow hot under his scrutiny.

He shrugs but doesn’t deny my claim as he scans over whatever the notification says. Fuck, we are being stupid. That alert could have been nothing but spam. Although with each second that passes without him saying a word, I doubt that theory more and more.

“Is it my results?” I snap once the nerves get to be too much.

A sly smirk twists the corner of his lips. “Now you are anxious to know.”

“Nathan,” I bark and lunge for my device, but he jumps back before I can grasp it.

“You passed with a 180. College Ready Plus Credit. You fucking did it, man.”

I’m stunned as he pulls me in for an enthusiastic hug.

“I passed…?” I ask, completely stiff in his arms.

The information doesn’t compute with the disappointment I braced for.

“You did.” He shoves my phone in my face so I can see the proof myself, and low and behold, I fucking did.

I snatch it from his hand and start to type a message to my woman, but reality crashes back over me like a bucket of ice water before I can hit send.

She’s not mine anymore. But that doesn’t mean she still isn’t the first person I want to share my good news with, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. This isn’t the first time I’ve started to text her, only to remember that isn’t an option anymore.

My friend is so lost in his own enthusiasm, he doesn’t notice mine wane.

“We need to go celebrate. I’ll call Karis and Morgan,” he says, already pulling out his phone to send the news to the group chat.

“Yeah, sure,” I say, not really listening. A celebration isn’t at the forefront of my mind. The GED is great, but it’s only a stepping stone to my final goal, and I need to remember that so I don’t wander off my path.

“Anywhere but Cutter’s, right man?” Nathan jokes.

Of course, that’s where we end up. Like Karis, Nathan, and James could all agree on something else.

Even suggesting other bars devolved into a screaming match in the middle of College Avenue.

I’m not complaining, though. There’s been so much change in my life these past few months that the familiarity is nice—even if we are paying for the drinks tonight since it’s my day off.

“To Gage finally getting his shit together,” Karis says, holding a shot in the air.

The rest of my friends mirror her, and begrudgingly, I do the same before we all slam it back.

The moment would be perfect if there wasn’t a gaping hole where a certain sunflower should be.

Nothing feels the same without her, not even my friends, because they are her friends too.

Her roots grew well beyond me. But I ruined it for everyone because I’m too much of a pussy to handle my own feelings.

I’m pathetic.

“So what are the next steps,” Morgan asks, pulling my focus away from my self-loathing.

Even in the middle of a celebration of my accomplishments, it finds a way to surface and remind me exactly of my place.

“The application window for the apprenticeship program I want to get closes next week. Now that the GED is taken care of, I can apply to that, and if I get it, I’ll spend the next couple of years working and getting training through them.”

“You’ve got this,” he says with a gentle smile.

“I fucking hope so. I don’t actually have a backup plan here.

This is the only program I found that sets you up with full- time work and offers benefits from the start.

If this doesn’t pan out, I’ll have to start looking at becoming something other than an electrician, because I can’t wait another six months to apply again.

I’m not getting any younger, and it will take several years before I get fully certified. ”

“Fuck them if they don’t want you,” Karis sneers. “You would be the best damn apprentice they’ve ever had.”

“Thanks, Kare,” I say, brushing her alcohol-fueled praise aside.

“And what about Kori? Are you going to try to win her back now that you’ve got a solid plan for your future?” Evelyn asks with idealistic hope in her voice.

“No,” I bark out sharper than I mean to. “Winning Kori back has never been part of the plan. I’m doing this for me and me alone.”

Her face falls, and I can’t help but feel guilty.

I know she and Nathan are hoping that we will reconnect, but that can’t happen, no matter how much I would love to be hers again.

Going to her now would spit in the face of everything I’ve accomplished over the past couple of months.

If I make this about her instead of me, I never changed at all, and that would mean I don’t deserve her.

It’s a fucked-up Catch-22. As much as it kills me, Kori is my past now, and that’s all she’ll ever be.