Page 47 of Sunflower Persona (Classic City Romance #2)

Gage

I love you, Gage, but I can’t love you enough for the both of us.

Those words hurt more than any hate-filled rejection could. They prove what I already knew—I’ll never be able to give her what she needs.

The day is well and truly gone now, and with it, all my hopes of fixing what I broke.

The window is closed, if it was ever truly open to begin with.

For a moment, I held love in my hand, only to let it slip through my fingers like sand.

Shrouded in the shadows of dusk, I roam through campus without a destination in mind.

It’s not like I have anywhere else to be.

I told Nathan to leave after he dropped me off because if things went well, I wouldn’t need a ride, and I didn’t want him around if they didn’t.

Sometimes a man needs a moment alone to work through his emotions.

Students avoid me as I sulk along the streets.

On a good day, they would likely do the same, but my sullen demeanor isn’t doing anything to make me more approachable.

Despite the chill, I can’t bring myself to put my jacket back on.

It’s stupid, but if I do, I might erase Kori’s presence from it completely, and I’m not ready to let her go.

I don’t stop moving until I reach the border between campus and downtown, the busy main street acting as the harsh divide.

It’s there, where the sidewalk splits, that I have to think for the first time since I walked away from her.

Goddamn, I don’t want to think. I still don’t have a way home, and while that is easily fixed, I’m too much of a coward to face those lonely walls—especially when her presence has permeated every fucking inch of the space that used to be mine.

The obvious path forward is to head to one of the dozens of bars and drink away these feelings, but the thought of alcohol after last night is sickening.

Morgan’s place isn’t too far, and if anyone understands what I’m going through, it’s him. It helps that out of all my friends, he’s the least invested. Nathan is protective of Kori, and Karis would tear her to shreds if she thought it would make me feel better. Morgan is less biased.

Plus, he owes me.

It doesn’t take me long to walk the few blocks over to his building and knock on the door. The confusion on James’s face as she opens it would be comical if the situation wasn’t what it is.

“Gage?” she asks, as if she can’t believe she’s asking at all.

“Hey, James. Is Morgan home?”

“Yeah, fuck, where are my manners. Come in.” She steps out of the doorway and ushers me inside.

Every time I’m here, I’m struck by how different it feels from my place.

The age is the same, and behind the decor, it has the same “landlord special” base.

But together, they have made it into a place that feels like a home.

A pang of jealousy ripples through me at the happy pictures lining the walls.

I should have taken more pictures with Low when I had the chance.

“Can I get you something? You look like you could use a beer.”

“No beer.” My stomach churns at the thought of consuming more poison so soon.

Part of me craves the blissful indifference a few drinks would bring, but I’m not doing that again. I’m not about to disrespect everything I had with my woman by numbing myself to the memories of it. I want to feel it all, good and bad.

“Water would be great, though,” I tack on.

Morgan appears in the hallway as his girlfriend slips into the kitchen, and his face morphs into the same look of confusion, but he schools it much quicker.

“Hey, how are you?” he asks.

“I talked to Kori today,” I deadpan. There’s no point in dancing around the issue with pleasantries.

“And?” he prompts.

“And it’s over. She wants nothing to do with me.”

He runs a hand through his hair with a grimace and lets out a very un-Morgan-like curse. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

“She was right to turn me away. Fuck. I don’t even know why I’m here. I’ll get out of your hair.”

“Sit down,” Morgan says with an exasperated sigh, “and tell me what happened.”

The words lodge themselves in my throat in a thick mass. I swallow against it as I sit on the couch with my back stiff. My friend follows suit and gives me the time I need to get my thoughts straight. It wasn’t too long ago our situations were reversed and he was the one nursing a broken heart.

James reappears with a cup of water and places it on the coffee table in front of me. She gives my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze before kissing the crown of her boyfriend’s head and disappearing down the hallway with a flimsy excuse about needing to work on something in her studio.

Damn these thin walls. I’m sure the rest of the group will know that I’m here and that it’s really over before I leave, but that’s easier than me having to do this all again.

“I went to apologize for being an idiot and beg for her to take me back. She heard me out, but in the end, it wasn’t enough.

She said that she loves me, but she can’t love me enough for the both of us.

That she can’t be with me knowing I will likely spiral and hurt her all over again in the future. ”

He hums in acknowledgment and nods with rapt attention, but he doesn’t say anything else.

So I continue.

“And I get it. Because as much as I love her too, I can’t promise her that it won’t happen. I’m not good enough for her, I never will be, and that is never going to change.”

“Do you want sympathy or honesty?” he asks after contemplating for a moment.

“Honesty.” I didn’t come here to be coddled.

“Being good enough for her was never the problem. Only she can judge that, and it was crappy of you to make that assertion for her. But that is another issue altogether. The real problem is you aren’t good enough for you.

That is always going to be the dark cloud over any relationship you are in.

And unless you figure out how to be enough for yourself, you are always going to end up back here. Kori was smart to recognize that.”

“How do I become good enough for myself?”

“Only you can figure that out. Only you can say what will make you finally see yourself as someone worthy. But if you do make the choice to figure it out, it has to be for you and you alone. Trying to change yourself to earn someone’s love is toxic, for you and them.”

“I have no intentions of pursuing Kori any further. That chapter is closed.”

“Good. What does the next one look like, then?”

That is the question. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about what happens next. I’ve been too fixated on the past. My conversation with Kori’s dad returns to the forefront of my mind.

“I’d like to get my GED,” I tell him.

The idea has been rattling around in my head since we talked in his office. I was going to talk to her about it when we got back to my place yesterday, but…

Yeah, that didn’t happen.

“That’s good.” He sits up straighter and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You know we will help you study as much as you need. And after that?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t think the college thing is for me. Maybe a trade. Something where the pay is steady, and I don’t have to stress about paying my bills.”

“Okay. That’s something we can work with. Let me grab my computer, and we can start getting a game plan together.”

“Seriously?”

“Of course.” The dumbfounded look on his face says I couldn’t be a bigger idiot if I tried. “I know the circumstances are different, but you are welcome to crash on my couch as long as you need to.”

“I think I’ll pass on that one, but I appreciate the offer.”

Morgan claps me on the shoulder before going to get the device, and despite my initial refusal, I do end up on his couch for the night.

We spend far too many hours poring over my options and building out the pros and cons list of each.

James rejoins us after a while and gives her own opinions on the matter.

By the time I’ve made a decision, it’s too late to ask either of them to drive me home.

I’m going to be an electrician.

It will take years for me to get fully certified, but it’s the first real goal I’ve had since my MMA dreams died.

All I’ve done for the past decade is survive, but now it’s time for a new dream.

It might not be as glamorous as a world-famous fighter, but it’s better than the rotting state of stagnation I’ve been in for the past decade.

Too much of my life has passed by without me living it.

I’ve been asleep at the wheel, and it’s time for me to wake the fuck up.

***

Karis’s bike sits outside my apartment like an ill omen as Morgan pulls up to the curb to drop me off.

I’m so fucking dead. My phone died sometime yesterday, and I didn’t feel the need to charge it.

Kori isn’t trying to reach me, so why did it matter?

But I didn’t take into account my best friend wanting to check up on me, especially with how she found me the other night.

Fuck. I’m the worst goddamned friend who’s ever existed.

“You are so screwed,” my friend says with a snort of laughter. “Good luck.”

I flip him off as I climb the steps to the ass-chewing that awaits me inside.

The light is on when I walk in, and Karis sits waiting for me on my sofa with her back facing me.

She doesn’t turn as the door falls shut with a resounding click , and for the first time in years, I feel like a kid coming home to face my ma’s wrath.

“Hey, Kare. Want a beer?”

“It’s eight o’clock in the fucking morning. Why would I want a beer?”

“I don’t know. I always offer you guys beer when you show up here. I wasn’t aware there was a time frame on when it was and wasn’t considered polite.”

“Oh, fuck off, you know damn well you are trying to deflect. Where the fuck were you last night? You’re home earlier than I expected, and you don’t smell like a distillery, so I doubt you spent the night drinking your sorrows away.

” She stands and whirls around in her anger.

Her haggard expression sends my stomach spiraling to the floor.

Every ounce of worry is etched on her face.

Her eyes are swollen and red, with dark circles hanging underneath, but that doesn’t stop her from crossing her arms and pinning me with a cutting stare.

The attitude is all posturing. I’ve known her long enough to tell when she’s trying to mask how vulnerable she feels.

“I was at Morgan’s,” I say in a rasping whisper as my guilt eats me alive.

Her face scrunches and she takes a steadying breath. “What happened? Nathan said he was taking you to talk to Kori, and then you went dark.”

“I’m sorry. Fuck. Things didn’t go the way I hoped. We’re done—for good—and I needed some time to process it all.”

“You could have at least checked in. I-I thought we lost you.” Her voice cracks on the admission. “Fuck, Gage, for two nights in a row, I’ve been terrified that I was going to get a call that you were dead.”

Tears pool in her eyes, and she wipes them away with angry swipes. With a few large strides, I’m across the room, and I wrap her in a tight hug.

“I’m here, Kare. I’m not going anywhere. I’m okay, I promise.”

She collapses into my chest as a sob shakes her tiny frame.

“I was so fucking scared,” she chokes out.

“I know,” I tell her and guide us back to the couch.

All I can do is hold her and whisper reassurances while she gets it all out.

Living with the gloom means I live with a constant bombardment of intrusive thoughts sprinkled with fleeting suicidal ideation.

Only once have I ever been low enough to give in to it.

It’s easy to forget that once is all it takes to scar someone for life, and no matter how much she argues, Karis is scarred.

I still struggle with believing my existence is worth her tears and worry, but I won’t ever put her through that again.

The gloom can do what it wants to me—nothing will be as agonizing as watching my best friend fall apart because of my actions.

I didn’t realize how deep the wound went.

Goddamnit, it never even occurred to me that Kare might be riddled with anxiety, waiting for something to push me past my breaking point again.

Fucking offing myself never even crossed my mind in the past forty-eight hours.

My heart is in a million jagged pieces, but I’m not about to end my life over a woman—even if she was perfect.

“I promised you never again. I meant that shit,” I tell her once her sobs slow to soft sniffles.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” she says as she squirms out of my hold to sit beside me on the sofa.

“I know. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Well, don’t do it again.”

“I don’t plan to. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“Maybe you will think before you go AWOL,” she says with a half-hearted slap to my chest.

“I’m sorry. I got so caught up doing research with Morgan that I lost track of time. By the time we finished, my phone was dead, and we were all exhausted, so I crashed on his couch.”

“Research? For what?” Curiosity pushes away the last remnants of her vulnerability.

“The future. I’m getting my life together, starting with a GED.”

“Oh shit, you’re serious about this.”

“Yeah, I am.”

I can’t keep living the way I’ve been—if you could even call what I’ve been doing living.

“Good. You know I’ll help out any way I can.”

“I know. Morgan and James said the same thing.”

She hums and falls silent. After a moment, she speaks again.

“You need to start talking to someone. Professionally. You can’t keep doing this shit on your own.”

“I will. If I pass the GED test, I’m going to apply for an apprenticeship, and if I get the one Morgan helped me find last night, I’ll get benefits. Once I can afford it, I’ll find a therapist. I promise.”

“Good.” The word comes out choked. “I love you. You know that, right?”

“I love you too.”

Maybe the universe doesn’t hate me completely, because if it did, I know I wouldn’t have people like Karis, Nathan, and Morgan in my life—people who love me, flaws and all. People worth living for.