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Feel strongly? Did I feel strongly about Mr Ambrose? I had, on more than one occasion, wanted to take him by that short, shiny black hair of his and slam his head into a wall. But those probably weren’t the kinds of feelings to which Ella was referring.
‘Yes. It will be very difficult to stay away from him.’ Particularly since I want to see a pay cheque from him at the end of the month, and he isn’t going to cough it up if I’m not there, doing my job. ‘Almost impossible. But I’ll try.’
And I’ll fail. But you don't need to know that.
‘Oh Lilly. Thank you!’ Once more, she hugged me with a ferocity I would not have suspected could fit into her small, slender form. ‘It may cause your heart terrible agony now, but you will see, it is for the best.’
She let go of me. Relief was shining out of her still watery eyes, but it was mixed with apprehension.
‘You won’t blame me for this, later, will you?’ she asked fearfully. ‘You won’t say I was terribly harsh and robbed you of your love? Please, Lill, I couldn’t bear it if you thought that of me. I’m only trying to look out for you. And it’s not as if I don't understand what you’re going through. I and Edm-’
Her lips clamped shut, and her eyes widened in shock.
I knew perfectly well whose name had almost escaped her mouth. Immediately, my headache was pushed to the back of my mind, my attention focused. Could it be that not all her tears were for my sake? Was she afraid of her approaching elopement? Had she found out when it was to take place? Dread flooded my chest. Imagining my life without my little sister… it was a barren prospect.
‘Oh, you don't need to worry about anything like that,’ I said with an airy wave. ‘I know you were only giving me good advice - stay away from men. And why not? They are all beasts, anyway, the whole lot of them.’
Ella’s cheeks flushed. ‘Some are not so bad. A few can be really nice.’
Probably in particular if their names began with ‘Edm’. But I didn’t voice my thoughts out loud. Instead, I said:
‘I won’t ever start to hate you, Ella. How could I? You’re my little sister, the one who has always been there when I needed someone to talk to, or to undress me because I was passed out drunk…’
‘Lill!’
‘You get my point. I could never, ever hate you.’ I gave her a final hug - and inspiration struck me. ‘I will heed your advice,’ I continued. ‘But you must promise me something in return.’
Curious, Ella looked up. ‘What?’
‘You must promise me to learn from my example. Never do anything rash or improper where a man is concerned. Never. Promise me.’
What little colour there was in Ella’s ivory face drained away as if she’d seen a ghost.
‘I…’
There was hesitation in her voice. I never would have thought it possible. Ella hesitating, where honour and propriety were at stake? Blast! Things with Edmund had to be even worse than I had suspected. Or better, from his perspective. But I wasn’t very inclined to see things from his perspective at the moment.
‘Promise me,’ I said, putting emphasis on both words.
‘I… Lill…’
Behind us, there came an interrupting knock from the door. I wasn’t remotely as pleased about this as I had been the last time.
‘Yes!’ Ella called in an eager voice. ‘Yes, enter!’
Slowly, the door opened, and Leadfield stuck his bald head into the room.
‘Breakfast is served, Miss Ella, Miss Lilly.’
Ella was out of the room before I could demand her word again.
I remained alone in the room where she and I had slept, laughed, cried and simply spent time together for years and years. For the first time, I asked myself whether, soon, I would be alone here.
Toilet Secrets
Eventually, I followed Ella out of the room and down the stairs. The torturers weren’t far away. They were waiting to pounce on me on the landing.
‘Finally! There you are!’ Eve was in front of me like a flash. ‘What have you two been talking about in there? Never mind, never mind, I have more interesting questions right now, I can be nosy about Ella later. You have to tell us now! Tell us everything about how the heck you managed to get up on that platform!’
My mind was still on alcohol-induced headaches and back-garden romances. I couldn’t find a single, plausible lie to put forward. Maybe I should just tell them the truth… but no! I couldn’t. Out of my mad visit to a financier’s office some weeks ago had arisen a real chance for me to forge myself a life of independence. I couldn’t risk that by telling Eve. I loved her dearly, but she had the loosest mouth this side of the Thames.
Bloody hell! What can I do?
‘Excuse me?’
We all turned to look. My aunt was standing a few steps below us, an expression on her face that could have been used to pickle cucumbers.
‘Will your friends stay and join us for breakfast?’ she asked me, letting her cool gaze sweep over the group of girls around me. ‘They didn’t say they were coming beforehand, but I’m sure there will be enough boiled potatoes for three more people.’
For the first time in my life, I would have liked to kiss my aunt.
‘Oh no, Mrs Brank,’ Patsy said hurriedly. ‘Don’t exert yourself on our account. I, um… had a very filling dinner yesterday. And we were just leaving, weren’t we, girls?’
‘Oh yes,’ Eve nodded quickly. ‘We were. Most certainly.’
‘What?’ Flora, who was a bit slower on the uptake, asked. ‘But I thought we… ouch!’ She winced as Patsy stepped on her foot. ‘Yes, of course we were. Just leaving, right now.’
‘Come along, girls.’ Like a general gathering her troops, Patsy waved the other two to her flanks, just in case any boiled potatoes or disgusting bowls of gruel would suddenly launch an attack. ‘We’ve got places to be. And as for you-’ At the bottom of the stairs, she turned a final time and gave me a significant look. ‘We'll have a talk with you later.’
Oh dear. It didn’t seem as though I was off the hook. But at least I would have time to think up a convincing cover story. With relief, and with thankfulness for the fact that I and the girls were fast friends again, I watched Patsy and the others depart.