Page 57

Rachel

I was underwater.

The waves dragged me further under, enveloping me in their welcome embrace as they took me far, far away.

Far away from the hurt.

From the anxiety.

From my own fucked up mind.

The silence followed, offering me peace and comfort.

Nothing was scary there.

But the waves couldn’t take me. Not completely. Not whilst I was stuck here.

Someone was calling my name, breaking through the waves, stopping me from leaving. I wanted to leave. I wanted the peace they offered. The blackness of nothing. I wanted nothing. I wanted quiet.

There was screaming.

A little girls scream.

Whose scream was that? Was that mine?

Definitely not mine. My throat was constricted. Something was there, lodged deep. I couldn’t breathe past it. The waves were slipping further away from me as panic set in. Why couldn’t I breathe?

My eyes were heavy. I tried with all my might, but they wouldn’t open.

My panic grew to almost a frenzy. My body was no longer my own. It didn’t respond to any of my commands.

Everything around me was muffled and muted. I was surrounded by people, and yet I felt alone. I couldn’t talk to any of them.

“Is she breathing?”

“Oh, God. Rachel! Hold on.”

There was nothing to hold on to but the darkness. And the darkness was calling my name.

I liked the darkness. There was no pain there.

I sank into it, willing it to take me.

I was done.

I was done fighting. I was done struggling every day of my life.

I was happy to befriend the darkness and live in the empty nothing it offered.

I surrendered, the roaring scream of a heartbroken man following me.

The waves kept bringing me in, then forcing me back out.

They couldn’t claim me. Someone was fighting for me, even when I was too weak to fight for myself.

But no one had ever fought for me.

If someone wanted me to stay, it wasn’t for my benefit. The waves were uncaring, retreating away from me and taking sanctuary with it.

I slowly became aware of no longer being in the darkness. Of no longer having nothing.

The lights.

There were so many lights.

I didn't open my eyes, and still I saw them.

Blue flashing lights.

White, bright lights.

They pierced through the darkness, dragging me from its welcome embrace.

“She's lost… blood.”

“Rachel, can you hear me?”

“Her heart rate is dropping!”

The darkness changed its mind, and it was stronger than the lights. Blackness crept back in, creeping from the corners until it enveloped my vision.

“Rachel, hold on!”

There was no holding on.

There was nothing left to hold on to.

In truth, there was never anything for me in the first place.

The wave pulled me away, taking me back to the darkness.

Back where I belonged.

I didn’t fight.

There was no longer any point.

The blackness had its icy fingers wrapped around me, and it dragged me along, taking me to its lair.

There was no pain here. No noise.

It was just silence.

I liked the silence.

“… she's stable for now… touch and go… recovery… we're doing everything we can… up to her…”

Why were there noises?

They were piercing the darkness, punching holes in the peace it gave me.

My eyes fluttered open and immediately clamped shut again.

So much white. So much harsh lighting.

I called to the darkness, but it was ebbing away, further and further, this time without me.

It had let me go.

It didn’t want to compete with the outside forces that willed me away from it. Darkness didn’t need complication. I either came, or I didn’t. And someone else was making the choice for me, regardless of what I wanted.

I wanted its warmth. It's emptiness. The ability to take away all my pain, to make me stop thinking.

To make it all just stop.

I wanted the nothingness.

As the blackness faded, the world welcomed me back. And it was not a warm welcome.

The world fucking hated me.

My head screamed out as the noises exploded. The beeping of machines, the voices, the patter of footsteps.

My eyelids fluttered as shadows fell over them, and a man I didn't know looked down at me, writing something on his clipboard.

Where the fuck was I?

I closed my eyes again and tried to remember where I was.

My body ached, and for a heart stopping moment, I forgot the past few years and was reminded of Alex. I hadn't hurt this bad since I was with him.

My eyes fluttered again as my heart started racing. I saw the man with the clipboard shoot a worried frown as the beeping intensified.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't move.

I was stuck here, and Alex would be coming.

He would never let me go.

The beeping was incessant, the noise coming faster, entering a competition with my heart as it thudded to a dangerous rhythm.

A searing heat on my arm had my eyes pinging open.

I looked around frantically, noticing the needle in my arm, the drip attached to it. I reached up and winced as I touched the bandages on my head.

What had he done to me this time?

He would make me pay for drawing attention to myself!

I scanned the room, looking for a friendly face. Looking for anyone that could tell me I was going to be okay.

The heat on my arm intensified and my gaze rushed to it, seeing a hand rubbing my skin. My eyes followed up the arm to the face.

And there he was.

This fucking giant of a man that used his huge hands for comfort and not hurt. He wasn’t Alex. He was offering me kindness, offering me peace. I scanned his tattoos and noticed how dark they were.

He was my darkness. It hadn’t left me after-all. He had joined me in the real world, letting me know I wasn’t alone.

He was looking at me with such tenderness; the worry creasing his forehead, his eyes shining with concern.

“Rachel… don't worry… you're okay. I'm here.”

He brushed the hair off my face, and my eyes closed.

My darkness was the first man to hold me in a long time without hurting me.

Even my own dad had grabbed me and shook me, screaming at me that I was driving him into an early grave.

“Don't…” I tried to whisper, immediately missing the warmth of his hand as he snatched it away.

I opened my eyes again.

I didn't know who he was. I was lost in time, stuck with the man who groomed me. But this stranger was offering kindness. There was a hurt in his eyes.

Had I caused that?

“Maybe you should leave,” the man in the white coat said.

The man next to me shot him a fierce look. “I'll stay by my girlfriend's side until she tells me to leave.”

Girlfriend?

My heart started racing once more. Why was he calling me that?

What was I missing?

Why couldn’t I piece any of this together?

“Sir, as we have already explained to you, this is an ongoing investigation. You shouldn't even be here. Your presence is clearly causing her distress.”

“I already explained to you, I did not fucking do this. She’s distressed because you’re confusing her!”

“And if that’s true, the investigation will prove that. We have to put the interest of the patient first, even if it means upsetting you. So in the meantime—”

The man stood up. “In the meantime, what?” He growled, making me recoil in pain as his voice vibrated around my already throbbing head.

“As I already said, Rachel is under distress. Your presence here—”

The man took a step towards him, and I willed myself to stop it.

My hand shot out and grabbed his arm.

He looked down at me in shock.

“No,” I whispered. “Please don't leave me. Don't let him come for me.”

“For whom to come for you, Rachel?” The man in the white coat asked kindly, shooting a cruel look at the man at my side.

He sat back down and grabbed my hand, hugging it between his own, and planted a kiss on my knuckles.

“Don't let Alex come. Don't let him take me. Stay with me, my darkness.”

And then the blackness came back for me. But this time, it was not welcoming. It was not my darkness. My darkness was out there. This one was an imposter, and it wanted to imprison me.

It snatched me up and stole me away, dragging me under. I didn’t have time to say any more. Like an angry predator, its mouth swallowed me whole and ate me up, making me fall, fall, fall…

And this time, I wasn't so sure it would let me go.