Page 24 of Sticks and Stones (FBI Romance/Thriller #65)

“What do you want to do?” Ethan asked. “What is it that would make this easier for you since you’re the one with the harder road to travel. Don’t worry about us. Worry about you, Corby.”

He considered it.

His biggest issue was as a cop, he knew better, but as a victim…he wanted to forget all of this. The last thing he wanted was to carry this burden.

So, because he could trust Ethan, Corbin was to the point.

“I want to shower and forget what they did to me. Every time I close my eyes, I remember those hours, Ethan. I relive it, and I don’t want to. I can’t relive it on the stand in front of strangers. I’ve already been stripped bare and decimated. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough.”

Ethan wanted to reassure him, but he had to make sure.

“Can I touch you?” he asked.

Corbin nodded, and didn’t hesitate to move closer to Ethan to show he needed Ethan and Gene as much as he did, but now, he couldn’t do this alone.

Blackhawk put his arm around him, and Corbin let him protect him.

“I’m sorry for what happened to you,” he said. “I know how violated you feel, and I know it’s a million times worse for you,” he admitted. “I didn’t get assaulted, so I can’t imagine the terror you’re feeling.”

Corbin said nothing, carrying that secret in his soul about Ethan’s attack. He’d never speak of it because the last thing he wanted was Ethan feeling like this.

It sucked.

“I’m here to support you. If you want to get in that shower, do it.

If you can’t face this in court when they’re caught, don’t do it.

I’m not going to stop or judge you, Corby.

You have every right to heal how you need to do it.

Yes, we’re working this case, but we’re your friends and family first and foremost.”

He sniffled.

“I just can’t bear the idea of everyone whispering about me being gay and raped. I just can’t handle it, Ethan. I’ve seen victims on the stands. The defense will make it about me. How I somehow asked for it while working undercover.”

He was aware.

Victims were always under the microscope, unfortunately.

“Then don’t take the stand. If you want to carry this and heal in your own way, I support you. As someone who has to work this case, we’ll still find them without the evidence on your body.”

He needed to know.

“How will you bring them to trial without me?” he asked.

He was honest.

“We won’t be able to lock it down as easily, but Gene is damn good at solving cases, Corbin. We’ve gotten people put away with less evidence and without a witness. Dumb people run their mouths. We’ll find someone who heard or saw something.”

Resting his head on his knees, he closed his eyes. Ethan rubbed his hand up and down his back, reassuringly, trying not to touch too much of his welted skin from what they did to him.

Finally, Corbin spoke.

“I need to shower,” he said, finally making up his mind and hoping he didn’t regret it later. The last thing he wanted was this haunting him forever.

At his words, Ethan got up and held out his hand to the man.

“I’ll help you. We need to keep your cast dry. If me being in here makes you uncomfortable, I can get a garbage bag and tape it closed around your arm and then leave.”

Corbin had to trust someone, and Ethan had already seen his body.

“Please help me. I don’t care if you see my dick again. I’m beyond that now. I think they recorded what was done to me,” he whispered, remembering a little more of the assault.

That’s when panic set in.

“Oh, God. They recorded it,” he said, his eyes showing the terror that was now rocking his body.

Ethan reassured him.

“We’ll protect you. Do you trust me?” he asked.

Slowly, Corbin nodded.

“Breathe,” Ethan said. “Let me get you undressed and into the shower. Don’t worry about me seeing you naked again. I’ll remind you that you saw me in that cemetery,” he said, trying to break through and help Corbin.

He laughed.

“Yeah, well, yours was impressive at the time. Mine is hiding after this mess.”

He kissed Corbin on the temple. Corbin had nothing to worry about. They’d get him better.

Plus, he had Will.

The man loved him.

“We have this, Corby. Trust and believe that Gene and I will not let you down.”

That was all he had keeping him together right now. If not for the two men he called brothers, he’d be lost. The last thing he could deal with was Alice hovering over him as she made him feel like a child.

“I believe,” he said.

Well, that was the first step.

Helping him out of his clothing, Ethan tried not to be an investigator, but it was damn hard not to see his body and mentally catalog it for the record.

Again, he was faced with the vicious slashes across his back like someone used a belt and buckle against him. There were bruises on his thighs, his back, and his chest. In the light of the bathroom, they were so much clearer.

Blackhawk was horrified, but held it together for his friend.

When Corbin got into the shower, he kept his arm outside of the glass, and Ethan protected it with a towel.

“There is soap, or use whichever body wash you want,” he offered. “You’ll either smell like Gene or me. He’s getting you some things from your apartment, and that way you’ll have your things while you stay with us,” he offered.

“How long can I stay?” he asked.

Ethan was honest.

“As long as it takes, Corbin. As long as it takes.”

That gave him a little calm.

As he stood under the hot water, it felt good on his skin. He turned the temperature up as he wanted to scald away the memories.

Using some soap, he cleaned himself, grateful to have their filth off of him. The whole time, the tears came.

And Ethan let him mourn.

He let him cry.

“How do I get over this?” he asked Ethan. “How do I forget this happened, and start to live again?”

Blackhawk was honest.

“You’ll have to talk it out at some point. With us, with your parents, or with a therapist. Maybe with Will.”

His heart hurt.

He’d been thinking about him.

A lot.

“I’m breaking up with Will,” he whispered. “I can’t be with him anymore.”

Ethan hurt for him. He knew how much the man loved Corbin, and how much he cared about Will. He’d wanted to marry him after one day.

That said a lot.

“He loves you, Corby.”

Honestly, Corbin couldn’t face it.

The shame, the horror, and the pain were too much to bear. There was no way his life would go back to normal again, and he couldn’t saddle him with a broken shell. Corbin didn’t think he’d ever be able to have sex again.

The mere idea made him ill.

“When I get out, can I borrow your phone?” he asked.

Ethan wanted to say no, but he’d just told Alice to be neutral and let the man heal how he wanted. Breaking up with Will wasn’t a good plan.

“I love him, so I have to let him go,” he whispered, the tears falling.

Ethan was to the point.

“Yes, you can, but I’m going to ask that you give it a day. Once you dump someone, they don’t come back, Corbin. Make sure it’s what you really want to do.”

Corbin knew he was right, but he was also pretty sure Will wouldn’t want him now.

Who would?

He was damaged goods.

Because he needed to change the subject, he did.

“I’m sorry that I washed away the evidence,” he added. “I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to face them in court.”

Ethan stared into the shower at him.

“You’re stronger than you believe. You’re the strongest person I know, Corbin. If you want to get through this, you will. I believe in you.”

The tears dripped.

“I want to heal,” he said. “I want to go back two days ago and not do this job. I’m so sorry I went undercover. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”

Ethan said nothing.

Instead, he let him vent and get it off of his chest.

“I thought I had it,” he said. “I thought I was good, but I was an idiot,” he stated. “They told me that I had to see the room in the back of Bull’s ,” he added. “I should have known it was bad. I never thought…”

Ethan knew they needed to know everything, especially if they were going back into that bar, so he didn’t stop him. He let Corbin share, in an effort to piece this together.

“When I got in there, there was a bed and a couch,” he said. “It faced the bed.”

Ethan figured he knew why.

For an audience’s comfort.

“They overpowered me. They forced me onto that bed. It smelled like beer and…”

That was all he got out.

Corbin got nauseous, and Ethan helped him out of the shower and to the toilet. As he began purging again, Ethan shut off the water and got a robe for the man. As he puked again, he purged it from his body.

The whole time, Ethan protected him because he knew Corbin would do the same for him. The world had so few guarantees, but once in a while, you locked down something important.

Friendship.

And family.

When he was done, Ethan slipped the robe onto his body, and Corbin tied it shut.

“Can I go rest?” he asked. “I don’t feel well.”

Blackhawk knew that was likely for the best.

Slowly, he led him back into his bedroom and toward his and Gene’s bed.

Tucking him in, Ethan laid on the bed beside him so that Corbin could curl into him. What he needed was to be held. Ethan remembered what he felt like after David Neives, and the only way he got through it was Gene comforting him.

Blackhawk knew one thing.

Will should be here.

While he and Gene could hold him up, Corbin was going to need Will to help him navigate the other part of this. If Corbin was ever going to get back on the horse, sometime down the road, someone who could have sex with him needed to be part of his healing.

That was definitely not him, or Gene.

For now, he’d work on how to fix that part of Corbin’s situation too.

Before long, Corbin started talking again.

“They overpowered me. Told me they knew I was a cop, and I was going to regret trying to fuck them over. They knocked me out. When I came to, I was restrained, and they…,” he said, stopping.

Ethan let him hold onto him as he rested his head on his shoulder. His hand was on his abs, and Corbin’s fist was clenched as he did battle with what replayed in his head.