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I live with Jake now because I don't have anywhere else to go. It's not something we’ve actually talked about, but I haven't asked to leave, and he hasn't asked me to go. He’s been taking me to see Damian at least once a week so it's not like there hasn't been an opportunity for me to be gone. I don't want him to think I'm using him for a place, so I do a lot around his apartment. Cook, clean, stuff like that. And I hang out with Caylee while he works. I don't know though. There's something I can't put my finger on.

-elle

It’s been a month now since I came to Jake’s, and every morning I wake up expecting him to ask if I’m ready to go home. He never does.

We, meaning Jake, decided we shouldn't sleep together again while we get to know each other better. We haven't had sex since the bathroom at Brandon's, and I’m walking on a tightrope at this point. All the little touches, the literal dry humping at night before bed, I’ve never heard of women getting blue balls, but I'm sure I have them at this point.

I find myself waking up to quiet mornings, the smell of coffee drifting from the kitchen, and the soft sound of Jake moving around in the other room. So different from what it was like at Kay’s— people coming and going all night and sleeping until the afternoon. I was used to chaos, like the world never quite stopped spinning. But here, with Jake, everything feels calm.

In the evenings, we cook together, the kitchen usually messy with half-prepared ingredients and he teases me about how I can’t get the timing right, the sides always done and cold by the time the meat is finished.

Bianca shows up randomly and I find out they are leaving in the morning. They’re going to California, to Disney Land and Warped Tour. They made plans the week I met Jake and he forgot all about it, he says. He shrugs it off when he tells me, his grin a little sheepish, like it isn’t a big deal.

“Come on, you should come with us!”

Bianca says, “Jake would love it, and seriously, it’s going to be a blast.”

We hit the road at 6 AM, Bianca taking the front with Jake. The miles slip by like they're nothing, and I laugh as Bianca tells stories about Jake from high school, trying to embarrass him, but he just shrugs it all off. He keeps glancing back at me, his eyes soft and relaxed as he drives, but every so often, the hand that casually rests on the gear shift stretches back to my leg, brushing it lightly for a few seconds before pulling it back.

“So, we don't have any plans tomorrow. What do we wanna do?”

Bianca asks after we stop for gas a few hours into the drive in Portland.

“I want to get a tattoo on Hollywood Boulevard.”

Jake grins.

“I’ve always wanted my nipples pierced.”

I joke, leaning forward between the seats to join the conversation.

“Really?”

Bianca asks, turning to me with a strange look, “You seem so...sweet, so innocent.”

“Was it the drugs I sold you or the orgasm Jake gave me on the dance floor that made you think that?”

I deadpan, shaking my head, “No money, though, and I’m not asking you guys to pay for that.”

“Why?”

Jake asks, “It would be for me anyways at this point.”

He smirks.

“I don't think you can do it,”

Bianca laughs and leans back, folding her arms across her chest, “I bet you chicken out.”

“Alright, find a shop.”

I tell her.

We don't check into our hotel until almost midnight, all of us exhausted from the long drive, passing out the minute our heads hit the pillows.

I get my nipples pierced on Hollywood Boulevard on Friday morning with Bianca in the room with me to ‘watch me panic and bail,’ she says. The first piercing stings, but thankfully, it’s over before I have a chance to react. A quick breath, a flash of pain, and it’s done. But the second one doesn’t go as smoothly. The guy nods he is ready, so I inhale and exhale sharply, pushing all the air out of my lungs when he looks up with an apology in his eyes.

“Sorry, it was a bit uneven, I'm gonna have to do it again.”

I doubt he’s sorry with that smile on his face.

“Deep breath in and fast breath out,”

he tells me again.

I grip the table and stare daggers at him as he shoves the needle through, stepping back with his hands up when he's finished.

“Yeah, I get that look a lot,”

he laughs before he starts to clean me up and goes over the aftercare instructions.

We spend the next day at Disney Land and we end up getting high. I haven’t been high in public before, not like this, not surrounded by so many people. We do It's a Small World twice before the submarine ride for Finding Nemo. It’s too much for me. Feeling like I am trapped, I take a deep breath and look over at Jake, who is grinning like he is having the time of his life.

I feel out of control, like the world is spinning too fast. I close my eyes for the rest of the 14-minute ride and try to breathe through it. The world feels like a cartoon in here, the people around me are laughing, smiling, kids tugging at their parents' hands.

It isn't until the parade at the end of the day that I feel like I can breathe again, laying on the ground next to Jake.

The next day at Warped Tour is a bust. It’s too hot, too crowded. We barely last through A Day to Remember’s set before calling it quits. Drenched in sweat, our clothes cling to our bodies, the sun beating down on us as we head back to Jake’s car. The drive back to the hotel is miserable with no AC and I announce I am heading straight to the pool.

“Come here,”

I call to Jake from the deep side of the pool, partly hidden by a cabana that no one is using. The pool is empty, and Bianca is taking a nap in the room, as are most guests from Warped Tour since it’s the closest hotel.

Jake swims up and treads water in front of me, smiling and swimming back a little when I reach out for him.

“What do you think you're doing over here, Elle?”

He asks, eyeing me when I start to undo my bathing suit bottoms.

“We’re alone,”

I pull a string, “You’ve been teasing me for a month,”

I switch the arm holding me up on the ledge and undo the string on the opposite side, “and if you don't fuck me, here, in this pool, right now, I'll make you watch as I get myself off.” I grab the bottoms before they can sink and set them on the ledge beside me.

“So, what's it going to be?”

I ask right before Jake surges forward and shuts me up with his mouth.

“You’re so bad, Elle,”

his voice is rough, and his grip firm as he reaches out and cups the underside of my boob, careful of the piercing, “You wanna fuck, baby?”

“Please,”

I whimper and nod my head.

“So, touch yourself then,”

Jake demands. And he pulls back just enough to watch as I slide my hand across my stomach and bite my lip to hold back my moan as I start rubbing my clit.

“I was waiting, Elle. I don’t do casual, but you want to be mine so bad, don’t you?”

He grabs the ledge, and with his free hand, he grabs his dick, fisting it.

“Are you ready for me?”

he asks, but shakes his head when I nod. “Slip your finger in that tight pussy and show me.”

I slide a finger in and moan, willing to do anything he asks at this point.

“Another,”

he says, and he lets go of himself before reaching over and taking my throat into his hand as I add a second finger and start fucking myself. He pulls himself closer and swallows my cries, shoving his tongue in my mouth.

I let go of the pool ledge and swing my arm around him, nails biting into his shoulder as I continue to finger myself. I feel him coming closer and guiding his cock towards me.

I pull my hand away, bringing it above the surface, wrapping my lips around my fingers at the same time he lines himself up and slowly, so fucking slowly, pushes forward, filling me, stretching me, until his hips meet mine.

I wrap my legs around his waist and shove my face into his neck as he fucks me against the pool.

“You wanted my dick, so fuck me, Elle.”

he says, grabbing my hair and pulling my face out of his neck as he raises an eyebrow in challenge.

“Fuck,”

he says when I reach behind me and use the pool as leverage and begin to ride him. I lean back a little and watch as he slowly disappears inside of me before I slide back up and do it over again.

I take my time, chasing my own climax, fucking him slowly, watching and waiting to see how long he gives me control before he takes what he wants. I stop watching where we’re connected and reach down to play with myself. My orgasm is already close from a month of foreplay.

“You feel so good. You're so big. I’ve never felt this full before you,”

I moan as I start to ride him faster. It's the first time I've ever said anything during sex, and Jake goes wild.

He grabs me and swims to the corner of the pool, spreading my legs wide so they're pressed against each side, grabbing the ledge and fucking me in long, slow strokes while playing with my clit.

“I love the way you look with my dick filling you up,”

he grunts, feeling my pussy tightening around him, “Already?”

he chuckles. “Such a good girl.”

I feel Jake twitch inside me as he pushes as deep as he can, bottoming out while we pant through our orgasms together.

We finally had sex yesterday IN A POOL! Haha, that was epic! But afterwards, Jake and Bianca got drunk.

Not even a good drunk.

He keeps trying to fool around in front of Bianca, and I don't like that.

I think I love him, he treats me so good and he has helped me so much, but...

I try so hard not to get mad at little things that would usually make me mad.

I don't want to fight with him.

I have to filter myself and how I react to what he says.

It feels like I'm living a lie.

Like I'm pretending I'm okay with half of the shit he does when I'm really not.

The way he talks about his ex, Caylee’s mom, and what she would do, that's how I would usually be, too, and he said he’d never go through that again.

OMG, he just came over to me and laid on top of me, squishing this notebook between us, and said I need to talk to him when I'm mad, that I can't just shut him out!

He just said he wants to ‘put me on lifelong lockdown’ and he wants to be Damian’s stepdad. He was drunk, but why did it make me so happy? It's only been a month, but if things keep going good...

-elle

On our way home the next morning Jake goes through about 2 dozen songs before he settles on one.

He catches my eye in the rearview mirror, a quiet smile playing on his lips, and then gently reaches back to take my hand.

Whatever It Is by the Zac Brown Band fills the car and, in that moment, everything else fades away.

All I can think is how I want to hold onto this feeling forever.