Page 6

We’ve been sitting in Jake’s living room for 30 minutes now. We spent a few hours at Tolmie State Park, and then Jake invited us back to his place in Centralia.

It was bittersweet watching them play at the beach, Jake chasing Caylee towards the water, grabbing her and spinning her around when the waves came too close. Damian loves water, I’d be fighting to keep him out of the cold bay. I can almost hear his giggles, the sound of his small feet pattering against the sand.

We built sandcastles, laughing as we watched them fail to hold up against the dry, brittle sand. Would Damian have laughed or cried when the castles fell?

We collected shells and sand dollars along the beach, and I could picture Damian struggling to keep them from dropping out of his overflowing hands. That image of him, so small and carefree, brings a smile to my face, even if it’s bittersweet. A soft breeze tugs at my hair. The salty scent of the ocean mixing with the trees that lined the beach behind me was relaxing, and I found myself wandering off alone for a quiet minute.

Caylee was a great buffer between everyone because, at this point, I could tell Kendra still thought she had a chance with Jake, trying to talk to him anytime Caylee ran off. To his credit, though, he's focused on Caylee and not either of us, but every so often, I’d catch him smiling my way.

Caylee clung to me like glue after we found seaweed on the beach, and Jake started chasing after her with it. She jumped into my arms, begging me to save her.

“She won't save you, Bug,”

Jake laughed and charged, making me turn and run from him. Caylee laughed as she watched him chase us over my shoulder.

She fell asleep on me in the car on the way to Jake’s, and my heart broke. Regret and shame surged through me. My stomach twisted as I watched her sleeping on my shoulder. So, I looked out the window as tears ran down my face. I wiped them away, but they kept coming, hot and relentless against my cheeks.

I feel like I’m walking a line between staying in the moment and wanting to break free from it. How can I sit here, playing with a kid that's not mine, when I haven’t seen my own son in so long?

Would Damian happily play along? No, I bet he’d be napping right now after spending hours running wild and free on the beach.

“Is this your property?”

Caylee asks me while handing me the same DVD for the fourth time. She’s been walking between me and her dad, handing it to us before taking it back and asking again. It’s cute, if not mildly annoying, to be honest.

“You don't have to keep playing. She’ll keep at this until you tell her to stop,”

Jake laughs, tickling Caylee and making her drop to the ground.

And then there’s me. I’m here, but not really. I can’t help but wonder if anyone else notices how quiet I am. Her sweet little laugh fills the air, and I start to think about Damian again before excusing myself to call my mom out on the patio.

"Hey, Mom," I say, my voice trembling.

"Elle? Are you okay? What happened? " She sounds tired. I close my eyes, pressing the phone tightly against my ear. Of course, she thinks something is wrong. I only call when I need something.

"I just... I miss you guys, him. I miss Damian. I... I don’t know what to do." I can hear her sigh on the other end.

"I know, baby girl. I know."

"I just...”

I whisper, trying not to let the guilt take over, “I’m trying to be better. Can I come see him?" I choke on the words, knowing I’ve messed up so many times.

She’s quiet for a moment, "Four months, Elle. We haven’t seen you in four months."

I flinch at her words. I knew it had been a while, but I hadn’t even noticed it had been that long. Days blend into weeks, and before I noticed, it's been months. I hang my head, how could I let this happen, and pinch my thigh as I start to shake, the desire to get high strong as I struggle with my guilt. Shame, guilt, and self-loathing are all triggers for me now.

"You can come,”

she relents, the tiredness in her voice turning sharp, “I just... I wish you’d take care of yourself, Elle," her voice cracking just a little at the end.

"I am, I will," I say, barely above a whisper. "I’m sorry, Mom."

"Alright,”

There’s another long silence, but then she says with a sigh, “Next time you're sober for 24 hours, come over." The words hang in the air, heavy with something deeper than just disappointment. An accusation and a truth. She doesn't think I can do it, not get high long enough to see him.

“Tomorrow then, I haven't taken anything since Friday.”

“Okay, I’ll be home all day. It's my day off. Take care, Elle.”

"I miss you too, Mom," I say, my voice low, but I hear the click as she hangs up.

I slide into the chair behind me, my elbows resting on my knees as I put my head in my hands. I can’t breathe. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to swallow the ache in my chest. I want to fix it. I want to be better, but the gap between us feels impossibly wide. I can’t reach her, I don’t even know how to reach myself.

The tears come before I can stop them, sliding down my cheeks like ice. I just want to disappear into the darkness, to escape this feeling, but I can’t. Not here. So, I sit, alone, letting the emptiness consume me.

“Are you sad?”

Caylee asks, after she throws the patio door open and skips over to me.

“I’m not anymore. Do you wanna go play again?”

I smile, sitting up and wiping the tears from my eyes.

Caylee watches me with her big brown eyes and smiles before grabbing my hand and dragging me inside. She bypasses her dad in the living room, who gives me a small smile, and takes me to her bedroom to show me all of her toys. She spends an hour pulling out every Barbie she owns and telling me their life story. We laugh and play with them before Jake comes in and tells her it’s bath time.

I don't even realize until I'm sitting alone in her room that I hadn't thought about getting high once since Caylee took my hand in hers and wanted to play.

With both Jake and Caylee occupied, Kendra sees her chance to finally talk to me alone, offering me a cigarette, so we go outside. She leans her elbows against the railing and is quiet for a minute before she sighs and turns to look at me.

“I don't mind Brandon; he pays more attention to me than he does you,”

she shakes her head, so I guess she did notice all the looks Jake sent my way, “And anyway, it was pretty dumb of me to ignore what happened between the two of you the night we met him,”

she laughs.

“I didn't want to like him, not after he was talking to both of us, I can’t explain it.”

I bump my hip into her and smile, "Sometimes people just click. I guess it’s one of those things."

“So,”

she stands up straight and faces me, “We good now?”

“We were always good.”

I grin and pull her in for a hug.

“I think I just wanted someone who wanted me so bad, they made me squirt all over a dance floor,”

she whispers in my ear before pulling away, throwing her cigarette off the patio, and slapping my butt on her way into the apartment.

I stay, finishing my cigarette and watching the sun set. Today was hard—seeing Caylee playing and smiling at her dad, so carefree, so whole. The realization that I’m not actually a mom sets in like it usually does, but this time, I can't do anything to numb it. Even if I had something, I wouldn't take it, not with a kid around.

“Hey,”

Jake sits down next to me after Caylee has been bathed and put to bed. “Seems like they’re hitting it off.”

He nods over to Kendra and Brandon, who are curled up in his oversized chair, watching TV and talking.

“Seems like no one was bothered by the switch after all.”

He smiles, "You’re quiet, Elle. You okay?”

“Yeah, I'm good.”

I want to shout that I’m not ready for this—ready for whatever this is. I want to be honest, but I know honesty would change everything.

“Can I ask you something?”

I lean in a little so that no one but me hears him.

“What's up?”

“Do you... Do you like it when I talk dirty?”

he asks, his brows pulling in like he’s a little uncomfortable asking.

“Yeah, I do.”

I’m confused; did I not act like I did? No one had ever talked so dirty to me. Sure, I'd get the ‘you feel so good’ or something like that, but Jake has a filthy mouth, and I love it.

“It's just that you don't... I don't know, talk back?”

“Oh, um, yeah. I do. I like it more than I thought I would, so please don't stop, but...”

I pause, unsure if the truth will be too much for him, but I decide to be honest, “I was... sexually assaulted when I was in elementary school, and I don't remember everything, but I do remember him making me tell him it felt good, and how mad he would get if I didn't.”

Jake interrupts me and pulls me into a hug. His arms wrap around me, warm and firm, holding me tight, his hand rubbing small circles on my back.

“You don't have to keep going; I understand.”

He lets me go and settles back against the couch, pulling me under his arm and whispering against my head, “I’m sorry that happened to you, and thank you for telling me.”

Thinking about that time in my life is never easy. It feels like a scar that never really heals. The shame of what happened always made me worry about what a guy would think. Maybe they’d pity me, or worse, see me as damaged and think less of me. I knew it wasn't my fault, but knowing that never took away the shame. I’ve gone to therapy. I know I'm not defined by what happened to me, but it never really goes away.

“You were good with Caylee today. Did you call your parents earlier on the patio?”

Jake asks, changing the conversation.

“Yeah,”

I smile and begin to relax, “I can see Damian as early as tomorrow. They only let me come over if I haven't been high in 24 hours, which I get. But it doesn't happen often because I'm high more than I'm not. But I don't want to be.”

“That’s cool. Do you want me to bring you over there tomorrow?”

“I don't have any money to give you for gas, and they live in Tacoma.”

I can't ask him to take me, but I need to get there.

“It’s not a problem. I’ll drop Bug off with my mom for a few hours and take you,”

he kisses the top of my head, slipping his hand into the waistband of my shorts and leaving it there, “I’m happy to take you to see Damian. It’ll be good for you.”