Page 20

“What the fuck?”

I stand there in shock, my mind struggling to catch up to what my eyes are seeing, as Jake struggles to stand up, pushing himself off the broken door, looking around until his eyes land on me.

The door is half on the bed, cracked down the middle, with splintered wood scattered across the floor. The door frame is completely knocked out of place, swaying like it’s barely holding on.

This is insane. My heart pounds in my chest, but I can’t look away.

“All you had to do was open the fucking door so I could get my fucking work clothes.”

His chest heaves with every ragged breath he takes.

“I was in bed, you idiot, and your clothes are right there,”

I say, pointing to the clothes on the floor in the hallway, and move to walk past him.

“Where do you think you're going?”

he yanks on my arm and spins me around. Cody gets off the chair in the living room, forehead creased as he makes his way towards us in slow, almost casual strides.

“Jake, you need to let me go.”

My voice is calm, but I’m terrified of the look in his eyes, eyes that are burning into me with something that makes my blood run cold. I want to scream at him, tell him he’s out of control, but the words are stuck in my throat. His grip tightens painfully. My hands are shaking as I try to pull away. The tightening in my chest hurts more than his grip on me as I try to pull away.

“You’re going to ruin everything, Jake,”

I finally manage to whisper, my voice trembling. His hand around my arm tightens past the point of pain.

“You think you're so fucking special, don't you?”

he spits at me, “but you're always going to be the dumb bitch that chose drugs over her kid.”

Before I realize what I'm doing, I slap him across the face, and I hear Cody's sharp inhale as he finally reaches us in the hallway.

Jake’s eyes go blank. In an instant, every trace of emotion is wiped from his face. He reaches forward with both of his hands, wrapping them around my neck.

And he squeezes.

He’s in my face, yelling incoherently. Spit flies as I claw at his hands and struggle to breathe. I try to cry out, but it’s no use. My lungs burn, and my vision narrows on his empty eyes as he strangles me.

It feels like forever before I’m ripped out of Jake’s grasp, Cody finally reacting and pulling me against him. Not so much holding me as he is shielding me. I try to take a breath, but my throat burns as I force the air back into my lungs, each inhale like fire in my throat.

“What the fuck?”

Cody yells, but I'm frozen.

I’ve never seen Jake like this. I don't know who this man is. I stare at him, my pulse racing, and I can’t tear my eyes away from this stranger in front of me.

“You’re so fucking crazy! Get the fuck out of my house!”

I try to scream at Jake, but my throat is tight, and my voice comes out broken. Every muscle in my body feels like it’s frozen, but my mind is racing, replaying every moment that led to this. Every time I ignored the warning signs, every time I told myself it wouldn’t get this bad.

Jake charges, his fist in the air, but Cody shoves me out of the way, and I stumble into the kitchen, turning to see Cody shove Jake away from him into the broken doorframe.

Jake’s eyes are wild as he searches for me, and I walk backward until my back hits the pantry door. When Jake starts coming my way, every instinct in me is screaming to run, to get away, but my feet won’t move. I’m stuck with my back pressed against the pantry door.

As he takes a step closer, I feel a surge of panic, a desperate rush of adrenaline. My hands shake uncontrollably, and I finally move and reach for whatever I can find. Cans of food, anything that could stop him, anything that could keep him away.

My breath is shallow, every movement frantic as I throw them at him. The clatter of metal hitting the walls rings in the air, but they do nothing. My aim is too wild.

“I fucking hate you,”

I scream, my throat raw, as Cody grabs him, pulling him around the corner and I hear the door open and slam closed behind them.

I stand there stunned, staring at the mess around me until I hear Jake pull away and speed down the street, his tires squealing on the road.

I flinch when I hear the door creak closed, but then Cody walks around the corner, alone. His eyes immediately fall to my neck, wincing.

The adrenaline slowly leaves my system, and I bury my face in my hands as uncontrollable sobs tear through me.

“You need to call the police, Elle,”

he says quietly, standing a foot away from me.

I call Kay first, knowing I’ll need someone to stay with after all of this.

Kay gets here first and cries when she sees me. She drops to the step in front of me and holds my hands in hers. Refusing to leave my side when the cops show up 15 minutes later.

A woman officer quietly sits with us on the porch and listens patiently as I numbly tell her partner what happened tonight.

More officers quickly arrive, some of them with cameras, asking my permission before having me stand against the house for pictures before they go inside.

They call it a crime scene.

It’s midnight by the time they leave. Kay wraps me in her arms and leads me to my bed, and I let her. She lays me down before I watch her walk out and start picking up the cans of food in the hallway.

I stare at the crooked door frame while she quietly puts my house back in order before sliding into bed next to me.

“You’ll be okay,”

she whispers as she scoots closer to me, but not touching me as I start to cry.

“We’ll figure it out tomorrow,” she

promises me as I finally start to fall asleep.

I’m shaken awake and the first thing I see when I open my eyes is Jake, kneeling on the ground in front of me. He quickly drops his hand, but my heart races as I reach behind me to Kay in a panic, but stop when he speaks.

“I just want to talk,”

he says, his voice rough, “I brought coffee, can we sit on the porch?”

I don't owe him anything, I remind myself as I swallow, my throat still tender.

“Please.”

he pleads, his voice cracking, “If you don't want to hear what I have to say, I’ll leave,”

he closes his eyes for a beat. “Ten minutes, all I'm asking for is ten minutes.”

“Five,”

I hear myself agree. Part of me, some small, broken part of me, still wants to believe that there’s something left of the man I knew.

I see his shoulders sag in relief as he nods and backs away, heading towards the front door, and I quietly wake up Kay to fill her in on what's happening.

“If you're not back inside in ten minutes, I'm going out there,”

she says, her voice hard as she reluctantly lets me go. I smile a little, knowing she has my back.

“I don't even know where to start,”

Jake says after shutting the door and sitting down on the steps. He hands me my coffee and moves to sit next to me, but I shake my head.

“That’s fair.”

he steps back and takes a deep breath before continuing. “I don't know if I remember everything that happened last night, but what I do remember makes me sick.”

His voice is thick with shame, his gaze lingers on my throat before dropping to the ground like he can’t bear look at me.

“I called Ed this morning,”

he adds as he begins to pace, “I told him what happened, and he told me to check myself into rehab. And I will. I am. I have to wait for a bed to open up, but he said I can stay with him and his wife until one does.”

Is it just another promise he won't keep?

He’s not asking for forgiveness, not trying to sweet-talk me into giving him another chance. It feels different this time. He’s... offering something. He’s never even offered AA meetings, let alone rehab before.

“I don't know what you're thinking,”

he runs a hand through his hair, shaking his head, “but I know we can get through this. Last night? That’s not who I am. You know that.”

he stops in front of me, his eyes searching mine.

“I’m going to start going to meetings before and again after I check in,”

he says, his voice softer now, desperate. "I swear, Elle. I’m so fucking sorry."

"I don't care if you're sorry," I snap, and he flinches, "Sorry doesn’t fix this.”

I point to my neck.

“We don't have to make any decisions right now. Let me prove myself to you.”

He says when I don't say anything again.

I don't know what to say. I had planned on just giving him his five minutes and asking him to leave.

“What about therapy?”

I ask him.

“Yeah, I mean, I can find someone.”

He nods, and his voice perks up. “I don't know how soon a bed will open up for me, but I can try to get in with a counselor as soon as possible.”

“You need to choose,”

I tell him, my voice shaking, but I stand up so I can look down at him from the porch, “You need to choose between me and drinking. Because I don't care if it’s tomorrow or ten years from now, I will walk away if you ever take another drink.”

“I swear it, Elle. I’m never drinking again. I can't lose you.”

"You can lose me," I say, my voice breaking a little, "You will lose me if you ever pick up a drink again. You’re not just messing up your life, Jake. You’re messing up mine and the kids' too. What if they were home last night?”

There’s a long pause as he stares at me, his face paling.

I want to scream at him that his shame isn't enough. That I’m so damn tired of waiting for the man he’s supposed to be. But I take a deep breath and turn away instead, walking toward the door.

“I’m not making any more promises, Jake,”

I say and take a deep breath, pausing at the door. “Just... prove it, and maybe I’ll believe you. I’m not going to make a decision until you do.”

He did it. He got a bed in a rehab facility, and he's sober. It took a little longer than I thought for a place to open for him, but he stayed with Ed and went to meetings until he went in. I didn't want to see him, so he would text me every day, but now that he’s in there, he can’t.

I miss him. God, I miss him. If he doesn't stay sober though, I won't go back. No one deserves what he did to me. Especially not me for putting up with all his bullshit. I know I always say ‘this is his last chance’ but this time I really mean it. I'd rather be a single mom.

-elle