Page 1

I’m not sure what day it is as we merge onto the freeway, but it’s not like it even matters anymore.

They all bleed into one another, like a string that stretches on endlessly, each one fading into the next without warning, without change.

The rhythm of the tires on the road is almost soothing, but my mind won’t stop.

Like a storm raging inside that I can’t outrun while sober.

So, I press my face against the cold glass, frowning at the mountains passing by.

They aren’t far off; I can see them between the trees as we drive.

Standing tall, like silent giants guarding the Pacific Northwest.

Out here, away from the big cities, you get to see the beauty that draws so many people in.

It’s in the silence, I think, in the steady rhythm of nature that simply exists.

Out here, the rules are always the same, no matter who you are.

Out here, you always know exactly where you stand.

The beauty of the PNW never fails to take my breath away, but its gray skies do nothing for my mood right now, so I squeeze my eyes shut to block it all out.

I’m tired...

and not just because we drove from Tacoma to Portland last night for my first rave.

We’re now heading to Seattle for another one tonight.

Because I can never make up for what I’ve done, so I keep sinking deeper, hoping this life will eventually swallow me whole.

It’s Saturday.

I finally remember, opening my eyes and rolling down the window, sighing as I let the cool breeze fill the car, trying to breathe through the thoughts working their way through my head again.

We went to Portland to sell ecstasy for Silas.

It was a totally different experience from rolling our friends, Sam’s.

Usually, we’d just chill. Listening to music quietly, spending hours talking about anything and nothing at all.

I’d mother everyone, making them laugh as I reminded them to drink their water and unclench their jaws.

We’d ride the high out in his garage until the sun rose, and then everyone would go on their way.

I’m not sure if raves are my thing.

There are too many people, the music is too loud, the lights too bright - I can still see them when I close my eyes - and the air is thick with sweat as everyone dances.

I try to move and scratch my leg, an itch that’s been near constant the last hour we’ve been on the road, but it’s no use.

There’s not enough room to even take a full breath with the four of us stuffed into the backseat, let alone reach down.

“He’s looking at you again,”

Kay whispers, staring up at me. At least I have it better than she does. I’m sitting in an actual seat, but she’s lying across everyone’s lap.

I don’t need to look in the rearview mirror to know she’s right. I can feel his eyes on me. I have since we left Portland.

“He has a girlfriend, and he introduced me to her as his sister.”

He isn’t my brother, but I’ve known him since I was in middle school when he moved to town because he was my brother’s friend. Yes, it’s entirely cliché to have a crush on your older brother’s friends, but I don’t care.

“I don’t even have a brother, and even I know with absolute fucking certainty brothers don’t watch their sisters the way he watches you.”

She jokes, winking and wiggling her eyebrows suggestively as she once again adjusts, making the guy at the other window grunt.

“Oh, shut up, Keven. You’re the one with your legs spread wide enough a basketball could sit between them.”

She rolls her eyes, and I try to lean around the guy next to me to see Keven, but I can’t, so I give up and sit back.

“Let me take you out, Kay, and you’ll find out why I sit this way, baby,”

Keven suggests, sounding deadly serious.

Everyone in the car laughs, and I can’t stop myself from flicking my eyes to the rearview mirror when I hear Silas, instantly meeting his gaze.

My face heats when he winks back at me, and I turn back to the window.

Even though I’d rather be back at home most days, here I am.

Where Kay went these days, I went.

We’ve been best friends since we were 12.

I can’t even remember how we met; it’s like one day, she was just there, and then she was everywhere.

We were so different, though; people had a tough time figuring out how we fit.

If Kay was night, I was day.

Most people would say we were like oil and water, but oil and water don’t mix, so that’s not right.

You can’t have night without day, which is why we’re perfect together.

She was tall and thin, with wild hair and an all-black wardrobe.

Her hair was cropped short, longer than the boys, but never quite as long as the girls.

She changed the color of her hair more often than the seasons changed.

She wore her make-up dark, her shirts low-cut, and her big brown eyes were always framed by thick eyeliner.

She kept her head above the clouds and didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought.

She lived by her own rules, spoke her mind, and marched to the beat of her own drum.

I, on the other hand, had always tried to look put together.

My long blonde hair was usually up in a tight, high ponytail.

I preferred loose sweaters in muted colors that wouldn’t draw attention, never something to make me stand out.

The only makeup I had worn was mascara, which made my hazel eyes pop. They changed colors depending on what I wore, but they always had a golden ring around the center.

But that was before.

“You okay?” Kay asks.

Of course she notices. The world sees what she wants it to see, only a few people get to see past that.

“Yeah.”

I lie even though I know she will see through it. “Just tired.”

I hesitate before asking, “Do you really want to go to Seattle tonight?”

“You know we have to. Grandma’s still mad about the car. We need to give it another day or two.”

Yeah, maybe longer, I think to myself.

She might have borrowed her grandma’s car, and she might have gotten a ticket at a photo-enforced stop sign in an area her grandma had never been to, which might have prompted her to go through her wallet and notice the missing cash.

I never said we made good decisions together.

Back-to-back raves, 175 miles apart, in the same weekend to sell ecstasy and party definitely wasn’t a good decision.

Borrowing her grandma’s car with no license also probably not the smartest idea we’ve ever had.

“Silas is letting us crash with him for as long as we need.”

She goes quiet before continuing, “Unless you want to go home?”

“I don’t know where I’ll go if she doesn’t let me back in.”

I close my eyes and lay my head back against the window. I take a deep breath and hold it to the count of 10 before slowly exhaling. Sometimes, it works to stop the guilt that threatens to drown me.

Things with my family are tense at the best of times. They know what I am doing, and I’m not allowed back there unless I’m not high. Which means I’m rarely there.

Even though I know I should be there. Even though I know that’s where I am supposed to be.

“She knows it was me,”

Kay whispers, waiting for me to look back at her before she smiles, “It’s always me. She knows that. She loves you. I think she secretly hopes you’ll finally influence me, and I’ll become a little clone of you.”

Kay laughs and rolls her eyes dramatically.

I doubt it. People think Kay’s all sharp edges and tall walls, but I know better, and so does her grandma. It’s hard not to be tough when you’ve lived through what Kay has. Her mom left her with her dad and grandma at a young age, and then her dad died a few years later. It’s just them now. And me.

“Hey, Silas, next exit, please. A girl’s gotta pee.”

Kay shouts over the music.

“Yep. Just saw a sign for a Jack n’ the Box, so we’ll stop for food, too.”

His eyes find mine again, and I force a smile on my face. Fake it until you make it. That’s the only way to stop this spiral. Drugs aren’t the only way to numb the shame.

It’s just a game, I tell myself. I didn’t know he was in a relationship when I was flirting with him yesterday, and now that I do, nothing will happen. It’s not like I expected anything to come from it anyway; I’ve been flirting with him since I was 16. And I’m a lot of things now, but the other woman isn’t one of them.

It takes a few minutes of maneuvering to get Kay out before everyone can jump out of the backseat. I’m last, but the second I close the door and turn around, he’s there. One hand on my hip guides me back towards the door I just closed, and one hand lands on top of it, boxing me in.

“What do you think you’re doing, Elle?”

He lowers his voice and glances over my shoulder before moving in closer, “You’re just going to ignore me all morning after last night?”

“I was flirting with you last night before I met your girlfriend, Silas.”

I have to remind myself he has a girlfriend or I’ll get lost in his green eyes. I have to ignore his hand on my hip, his finger tracing slow circles on my exposed skin above the waistband of my jeans.

He is fucking gorgeous, at least a head taller than me with his green eyes that are intense and currently switching between my eyes and lips in quick succession. He has beautiful tawny skin that is covered by light stubble that makes him look even sexier than he did at 16. His arms and chest are covered in tattoos, and he is muscular enough that I might have been known to daydream about him picking me up and fucking me against a wall.

“Did you miss the way Alexis was all over Keven when I was giving you the tour of her place?”

He says while fighting off a laugh before pulling back enough for me to see him get serious, “We’re not exclusive, Elle; in fact, she fucked Keven after I went to bed. Alone, with blue balls, I might add, from having to watch you all night.”

He says it solemnly, with no hint of a joke or smile.

I squeeze my eyes shut and lean back against the car, letting the metal cool my hot skin, but then his hand slides to the back of my neck, pulling me flush against him.

“Don’t hide from me. I like watching you blush.”

A hand leaves my hip as he traces my reddening skin, fingers brushing lightly over my collarbone, following the trail of the heat that spreads from my chest up to my cheeks. His touch is gentle, teasing, but his eyes are dark as they follow the path his fingers take.

My breath hitches, growing shallow and uneven. Each inhale comes a little quicker, a little more desperate, and each exhale shakier than the last. The steady feel of the circles on my hip bone is the only thing keeping me from floating away. Sixteen-year-old me would be squealing and jumping up and down that Silas-fucking-Cane was interested in me.

“I didn’t know.”

I look up at him through my eyelashes, putting my hands on his shoulders and letting my body relax into his hands a little now that I know there’s a possibility. I look between his eyes and lips. Fuck waiting until later. I want to feel good now, but as I start to stand on my toes, we get interrupted.

“Ahem,”

a throat clears behind us, “Don’t mind me. Just going to...hop in really quick.”

Kay rambles. “As you were.” I can’t see her face, but I can hear the smile in her voice and feel the car shake as she gets inside.

Silas leans in, rubbing his nose from my cheek to my ear, and bites it before letting go and whispering, “We’re not done here, Elle.”

He tightens his grip on my hip and neck before letting go and walking away, his stride long and unhurried.

“Don’t,”

I warn as soon as I get in the car and scoot down next to Kay. It’s no use, though; she instantly starts laughing.

“I leave you alone for five minutes.”

She beams, nodding her head in pride and hands me a Jumbo Jack Jr. “What did he say?”

“Apparently, they’re in an open relationship, and get this, she hooked up with Keven last night. While he went to bed, alone.”

I leave the rest unsaid.

“I’m not surprised there. Keven is hot as hell,”

she laughs. “After you went to bed, Alexis came on to me. Tried to take me upstairs, but rule number seven, we don’t leave each other sleeping alone in random houses. I thought she was just drunk, but I guess not.”

She shrugs her shoulders and begins to eat.

Everyone starts to pile back into the car before I can ask Kay if she thinks it’s a good idea for me to get involved with him, even though I know her answer. She’s always telling me sex is just sex.

I lean back, staring out the window as we get back onto the freeway, the world blurring, and before I know it, my eyes are closing.