Page 3

Kay and I spent the 45-minute ride home talking in the backseat about our nights. Of course, she’s proud of me, high-fiving me when I tell her what I let Jake do to me on the dance floor. Her words are fast and loud when she starts questioning me, causing Keven to turn from the front seat and listen.

Did anyone catch us? Did I reciprocate? Did I know I could squirt?

I don't know why I look to see if Silas is paying attention, but I do. His knuckles are turning white from the grip he has on the steering wheel, and his eyes are hard when they meet mine in the rearview mirror. I don't even know why he cares. He left me there tonight for hours, even after everything he said to me in the parking lot.

“No one saw us that I know of, but I wasn't exactly paying attention to anyone else.”

I roll my eyes and lean back in my seat, turning my attention back to Kay, “No, I didn't. I was a puddle of fucking goo. I don't think I even knew my own name, and no, I didn't know I could do that.”

Kay starts telling me about her night with Keven, and he pipes in, offering her a round three, but I tune them out, resting my head against the window. My mind is already going back to Jake and the feeling of him pressed against me, and I can't help but imagine what he’s like in bed. The way he whispered in my ear, talking dirty, has me pressing my thighs together. I’ve never been called a dirty slut before, and if someone would have asked me before tonight if I thought I’d like it, my answer would have been no.

Silas slams the car door when we get to his apartment, and I flinch. Yeah, he's not happy. But fuck him, he's not my damn boyfriend, and I didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't get to walk around throwing a fit. I’m tempted to just leave, but Kay grabs me and drags me inside, straight to the couch we’ve been sharing since we got here a few days ago.

Silas goes straight to his room, leaving his door open but snapping at Keven when he tries to follow him. He just shrugs and plops down on the chair across the room as Kay and I get comfortable.

“He's pissed, girl,”

Kay says, whispering once we’re settled.

“I don't even know why he cares,”

I half shrug, “but I don't really care. He could have let Keven borrow his car and stayed with me.”

I hadn't even thought about it until now, but Silas didn't need to leave; he chose to.

"You have nothing to feel bad about,”

she insists, rolling over to fall asleep and throwing an arm over her eyes to block out the rising sun.

I don't feel bad. I'm a little irritated he's throwing a tantrum, but that's about it.

My phone buzzes right before I start to fall asleep, and I smile to myself when I see it's a message from Jake.

hey you get home alright?

yeah, just laying down, you?

same just thinking about you

don't think too hard ;)

if I said you had a nice body would u hold it against me?

No, why would I?

...read it again ha

Oh.

Wow I'm embarrassed I missed that:)

that's ok ha you’re tired

anywaysss I'm gonna get some sleep. ttyl

ok night hit me up later cuz I'm kid free tonight and I'd love to see you again

I didn't know you had a kid...I do too...

really?

Yeah.

I got pregnant in high school by my long-time on-and-off boyfriend. I thought we were in love, I thought we could make it work. But when my son was four months old, I left. I didn't know it then, but I had been suffering from postpartum depression. I was drowning. I was doing it alone because his dad was still in school and went to work afterward, but then he’d come home and smoke pot and go to bed. I couldn't say anything, though, I couldn't complain, because he was working and providing for us.

I told myself it was okay, that not loving every minute was okay. Until it turned into anger. Until the baby was crying after waking up, and I thought about how easy it would be to just walk away and never look back. I did the math and figured out it would be a little under 6 hours until either my mom or his dad came home.

I let him wail as I packed a bag. I let him scream as I walked outside. I made it to the bottom of the porch before I turned around and ran inside. I cried with him in my arms for hours afterward.

I hated myself for it. I still do. So, I do whatever I can to forget. Forget crying to my mom about how overwhelmed I was, her telling me I'd be fine. I just needed to sleep for a full 8 hours, and I'd be fine.

I left for a night away. One night with Kay to just be Elle again, just for a little while, but instead of sleeping, we went to Sam’s and I got high for the first time. It was like a rush of pleasure; for the first time in months, I felt alive. My mind was running, but it was quiet. I didn't have to do anything, didn't have to remember anything. I just sat there for an hour with my hand on my chest, feeling my heartbeat.

He’s a year old, and he's only just now letting me get close to him without screaming for my mom. It hurts, but I left, and I know it's my fault he doesn't know me. That doesn't stop the pain, though, not when I know I’m a stranger to my own son now. It’s the reason I keep getting high.

My parents, God, they’ve been better to me than I deserve. I think my mom feels guilty for suggesting I leave and for who I spiraled into because I took her advice, but it's no one's fault but mine.

At first, I came home and tried to pretend everything was okay, that I was okay. That only lasted a week. I waited until everyone was asleep, and I left Damian’s dad a note next to the bed saying I couldn't do it anymore. I got high an hour after I left, and I've been high almost every day since then.

Dear Diary, or whatever haha

It's been a while since I wrote in here. I just didn't have anything good worth remembering until now, I guess.

I met a guy last night, Jake. I don't know.... there’s just something about him.

-elle

I spend most of the next morning texting Jake, telling him a little about Damian and why I’m gone, but he doesn't push for more information. I thought because he had a kid, he’d be appalled when he learned I had basically given my son away, but he didn't seem to judge me for it. Instead, he just said that the baby blues are no joke, and he understood. His daughter's mom suffered from them, too.

When he asks if I want to see him tonight, I forget Silas is around and I ask Kay if she wants to go. Tossing the remote on the couch next to me, Silas gets up, slamming the bedroom door shut behind him as Kay tells me no. I shrug my shoulders and decide to just ask Kendra. She thought they were cute last night.

Hey girl, I'm talking with the guys from last night and they want to hang out. you down?

omg yess I’ve been talking to one of them too

Which one?

Jake!

Shut up!

That mother fucker.

I call Kendra as I walk outside for privacy, and she reads off the texts he’s been sending her. Every one of them is the same as the ones he sent me. I slump against the building, my chin dipping down to my chest as I swallow my embarrassment.

I let him touch me. Let him talk to me all day and smiled like an idiot each time his name flashed across my screen.

What a fucking prick. My heart pounds as part of me wants to scream, to call him and tear him apart. Instead, I close my eyes and look up to the sky, counting to ten before I put Kendra on speaker and type out my final text to him.

I'm not new to the game sweety and I play it better than you do. Next time you talk to two girls from the same rave, you should probably make sure they're not fucking friends.

"I really like Jake," Kendra admits, her voice quiet.

I tell Kendra I’ll call her later and head to Silas’ kitchen and grab his vodka, chugging straight from the bottle before putting it back in the freezer and heading to the couch. Kay watches the whole thing with wide, worried eyes, but she doesn't say anything after I shake my head and toss my phone on the coffee table.

Silas watches me for a minute before getting up and bringing back shot glasses for the four of us and the bottle. After a few shots, he asks me to go talk with him, so I follow him into his room, lingering in the doorway before he laughs and pulls me in and closes the door behind us.

“I like the way you watch me when I come into the room.”

He smells like vodka as he crowds me, following me as I take a step back. I’ve been too busy on my phone talking to Jake to spend any time watching Silas today.

“The way your eyes follow me, like you just can't help yourself.”

He smiles when I place my hand on his chest, like it's an acknowledgment of what he said, not me trying to stop him from getting closer.

“Silas,”

I blink up at him, shaking my head, “I don't like this.”

“Don't play hard to get now, Elle. You’ve been teasing me all weekend.”

I push harder against his chest as my back hits the wall, “You've wanted this, wanted me for years.”

“Not like this, Silas. You're scaring me.”

My stomach drops, and my hand starts to tremble when he presses closer still.

“You gave it up so easily last night,”

he sneers, his eyes going hard. “I think it's my turn.”

He leans in like he's about to kiss me, so I push harder against his chest and turn my head, banging on the wall with my free hand trying to get Kay or Keven to come help me, but Silas rips my arm away from the wall and holds it above my head.

“Stop,”

I beg him. “Don't do this,”

I plead. “I don't want this.”

He doesn't hear me, or he doesn't care because he doesn't stop. I feel his lips on my neck, and I yell out for Kay before he slaps his hand over my mouth, cutting me off.

“Don't be a bitch, Elle, it's not a good look on you,”

he growls, his voice angrier than I’ve ever heard him. He uses his hand, covering my mouth to turn my head away before he bites my neck, hard. So hard, I flinch when I feel him break skin.

“What's going on?”

Kay pushes the door open, and her eyes find mine, wide in terror as I shake my head and sob under his hand.

“Keven,”

she whispers, and then the door is pushed open wider as Keven appears behind her shoulder.

“Dude,”

he starts, but stops when Silas yells to get out. I shake my head no until he forces it still.

“Keven,”

Kay whispers again, this time fear lacing her words, “Stop him.”

Keven puts a hand on Silas’ shoulder, and he must decide it's not worth it because he shoves me into the wall before shaking his head in disgust and leaving, slamming his bathroom door closed behind him.

Looks like I’m taking one for the team and hanging out with Brandon tonight because I’m not staying here.

I’ll be okay. I always am.