Page 13 of Something Reckless

I shake my head. “No. It can’t be.”

He stomps his foot. “Dammit, Alba. What other explanation could there be?”

I shake my head some more as I continue to stare at the thread of emails. “I don’t know. There has to be some kind of mistake.”

Because I remember the night Raya shared these emails with me. I remember the tears she’d cried as she lamented that Easton didn’t want their baby. I remember how her heart broke with each sob.

She has a heart. She does. I need to believe that right now.

Easton’s scratchy voice shakes my soul. “Mistake or not, all I know is, I’m a father, and I had no idea about my child for eight long years.”

When I finally brave a glance at him, dejection and hurt are imprinted on his face. He drops down on the nearest bench but says nothing for a long while.

I dare to sit beside him, afraid that I’ve broken Easton Raines. I’ve never seen him so quiet.

“Fine. Raya didn’t want to tell me. But why didn’t you ? You never reached out to me. As soon as I left town, you disappeared from social media. You just vanished and I was so fucking confused…We were friends, Alba.”

“I was so angry with you, Easton,” I confess.

“I was angry with you, and protective of Jagger. I thought you didn’t want him, and I was hellbent on protecting him from your rejection.

That’s why I never tried to reach out to you myself.

” I close my burning eyes. “And every time I’d see you on TV living the good life, it just made me angrier.

At first, there were videos of you on a red carpet with some pretty model all over you.

Then there were pictures of you on the beach with a beauty pageant contestant.

Then a fitness influencer. Then that actress from—”

“Fuck. I get it,” Easton cuts me off, tearing his cap off his head to tug at his messy hair. He looks so overwhelmed by all this information.

“So, yeah. You were living the good life, right in my face. And I took it as a sign from the Universe that I should just step up for Jagger and leave you alone.”

Easton hangs his head and lets out a groan loaded with regret. Now, my heart aches at the sight of my old friend. I did this to him. Knowing that is a horrible feeling. I’ve never felt more ashamed of myself in my life.

My chest huffs as I take a moment to breathe.

“My family was in crisis mode, Easton. My dad was busy pissing all over his marriage vows. My mom was falling apart. Raya was acting like motherhood was a freelance side gig she could clock in to whenever it suited her. And you were living a lavish jet set life. It didn’t seem like bedtime routines and middle-of-the-night diaper changes would fit into your lifestyle. ”

I’m passionately defending my integrity with everything in me…even though I know there’s no excusing what I did.

“I figured that if no-one else would step up to the plate for my nephew, I’d do it myself. I’d take care of Jagger and Mom and everything else all by myself.” Just saying those words and my shoulders feel like they’re breaking under an unbearable load.

“Alba…” he says weakly, his voice pained and weighed down by disappointment. “What the fuck…? What the fuck were you thinking…?”

I shrug my wobbly shoulder. “My own father resented how having a family got in the way of his sports career dreams. His resentment was so damn painful for me growing up, and I couldn’t do that to Jagger.

” I continue trying to justify my actions.

“I’m so, so sorry for the choices I made, and that you got hurt in all this.

But…but I tried to do what was best for everyone involved. ”

We sit like that for a few minutes, staring out at the river streaming past the tree line, listening to the birds chirping obliviously. On the road behind us, cars whiz in and out of town, and the occasional cyclist rolls along the wooden bicycle path.

“What are you thinking right now?” I ask with a cringe when I can’t handle Easton’s silence any longer.

“Honestly?” He throws me a sidelong glimpse.

I nod.

“That this isn’t fair. That I hate how all this turned out. This kid is eight years old and he’s my son and we’re… strangers. I missed out on everything and that hurts.”

And I hate how dejected he looks.

“A part of me always understood that being in Jagger’s life would take some big sacrifices on your part,” I say, “I didn’t want to force you to participate against your will because I was worried that, deep down, you’d hate every minute of it.

I didn’t want you to turn bitter against that sweet little boy the way my father turned bitter against my mom, my sister and me.

I didn’t want you to resent getting stuck with a responsibility you didn’t want,” I try to explain the reasons behind my choices.

“And I certainly didn’t want you to take out your frustrations on your son. ”

“My son…” Easton vocalizes quietly, like his brain is still trying to process this new revelation.

I watch as a dozen emotions cycle over his face. Regret. Shock. Grief. Guilt. Sadness.

By the time he finally looks up at me, he’s settled on anger. I can see it in his eyes. Easton is usually an easygoing guy. Today is the first time I’ve ever seen him angry with me. But let’s be real—I’ve more than earned it. He is absolutely justified in being angry right now.

“I don’t get it, Alba. You know me. You know the type of person I am. How could you believe that I wouldn’t want to be in my child’s life?”

I give my head a weak shake. “You and Raya weren’t even dating. She said you’d only had sex once.”

“And that one time produced a child . A child that is my responsibility,” Easton says forcefully, as tears pool in his eyes.

It hasn’t slipped my awareness that he hasn’t once tried to dodge responsibility for this situation. He hasn’t even questioned Jagger’s paternity for one second. I was so wrong about all of this.

Fuck.

I fucked up. I really, really fucked up.

“As much as I despised you for not wanting to be a father, I tried to see things from your perspective. Your family struggled so much when you were growing up, Easton. Then suddenly, you had something great in the palm of your hands. Something once-in-a-lifetime. Hockey was your ticket out of here. I forced myself to understand why you didn’t want to give that up. ”

“So you thought I’d value money and fame over my child?

My family?” Easton grits, the crack in his voice bringing instant tears to my eyes.

“You thought I’d make a decision like that?

That I would ever make a choice that negatively impacted the well-being of my little boy?

” He blows a harsh breath past his lips.

“I’m not some charity case. I didn’t need you feeling sorry for the poor, underprivileged kid from the wrong side of the tracks.

The fact remains—I deserved to make my own decisions in this situation. ”

I drop my gaze from his, so that I don’t have to see the betrayal in his eyes. His level-headed reaction to this mess is an upper cut to my heavy conscience. It causes my ribs to physically ache.

“I thought I was doing the right thing,” I whisper. He stays silent. “I was just eighteen. And I was so freaking overwhelmed,” I add, the tears streaking down my face now.

I feel so exhausted. So horribly burnt out. But I don’t deserve Easton’s sympathy, and his judgmental stare tells me not to hold my breath waiting for it.

But then, his anger melts, replaced by compassion.

“Fuck…” Easton huffs out a heavy breath .

He leans in to wipe away my tears with the calloused pads of his thumbs, even as his own tears start to fall.

His rough fingertips tickle my face, the tenderness in his touch almost breaking me completely as his gaze explores mine. It reminds me of why his friendship meant so much to me all those years ago.

He really is a good guy. And I did something so shitty to him.

“How did your parents take the news that Raya was pregnant?”

I snort, digging out a tissue from my purse and handing him one as well.

“Not great. My father was mostly concerned with how much shame Raya had brought him. He never looked at her the same after that.” I take a breath.

“As for Mom, she was surprised and disappointed, but that woman has so much love in her heart. All she cared about was creating a stable, loving environment for Jagger.” I shake my head.

“But then after her marriage imploded, she didn’t have the strength to care for Jagger anymore. ”

Easton’s eyebrows furrow. “And where’s Raya now? Why are you the one taking care of Jagger?”

I suck in a breath. “Sometime around Jag’s first birthday, Raya announced that she wanted to travel the world. She was planning to take Jagger with her. But she’d already shown how irresponsible she could be, so Mom and I knew that wouldn’t be the best choice.”

“Raya left our infant son to travel the world?” Easton’s eyes widen in disbelief.

My shoulders lift and fall heavily. “She went ‘exploring’. She said that she needed to ‘find herself’. She was only supposed to be gone a few months, but she’s been making excuses to extend the trip ever since.

The last time I actually spoke to her, she was skinny dipping off of some private island in the Bahamas.

That was at least three months ago.” I wipe at my nose.

“I can’t even wrap my head around this mess.” He blots at his eyes with the tissue then balls the paper up in his clenched fist.

“Trust me, I didn’t take the easy way out, Easton. I work three fucking jobs. They all pay like shit. And I’m taking my real estate course online. I’m exhausted all the damn time. But I have to do it. Because I am the only person I can depend on.” My voice cracks on the last word.

I need to shut up. I don’t want Easton to think I’m looking for a hand-out. But I do need a minute to vent. I need someone to listen. I’m just beginning to realize how much I’ve been bottling inside while I’ve been keeping up this brave face for all these years.