Page 31 of Silver Linings

seventeen

. . .

“Mom is going to kill me if I let you do this,” I plead with Maddox.

My baby brother is the textbook definition of daredevil, but those of us closest to him know he’s just an idiot. A reckless, fearless, brave idiot. It’s equal parts concerning and inspiring.

“What’s that saying, H? Better to ask for forgiveness than permission?” He’s standing at the cliff’s edge, peering down into the waters below with a sort of manic excitement.

“You’re an imbecile,” Laurel calls out around a wheeze as she bends at the waist, camera dangling from her neck as she tries to catch her breath. We’ve been hiking this trail for the last couple of hours when we came upon the rocky bluff we’re standing at now.

Maddox is dancing with barely contained glee, Laurel is drinking water from her canteen, and I, the eldest, am trying to figure out a way to get my youngest sibling to not listen to his inner chaos demon and step away from that crumbling ledge.

“You can tell your spinning brain to rest, big brother. I’m gonna take a dip in that pool.” He points at the navy blue sparkling water at least a hundred feet below us.

“How do you plan on getting back up, Maddie?” Laurel angles her camera toward the trees behind us.

“There’s a path from the shore that eventually links back into this trail. I can meet you at the fork.” His tone suggests it should be obvious, even though none of us have ever done this hike before.

I look at Laurel, pleading for backup, but she just shrugs as if to say , just let him do it.

Traitor.

I shake my head and look up to the sky, as if willing God to give me strength.

“There’s no way I can talk you out of this?”

Maddox walks over to me and places his hands on each side of my face.

“You gotta learn to live a little, brother. You never have fun anymore. You go to work for Dad—which I know you hate—and then you come home. Wash, rinse, repeat. Your idea of a night out is going to the gym instead of coming out with us, or going on a date. You came home after college because of some fucked up deal Dad manipulated you in to, and we could all see it wasn’t what you wanted.

But you’ve stayed all these years, shrunk into this version of yourself that isn’t you. ”

“Maddie–” Laurel starts as Maddox finally takes his hands off my face and settles them on his hips.

“No, Laur, someone needs to say it.” He refocuses on me, and my mouth has gone bone dry as I listen to my baby brother gently scold me. “You have been everything he has expected you to be for years . When are you going to be everything you want to be?”

He’s staring at me with misplaced hope in his eyes.

“It’s fine, Bub. It’s not a bad life.”

The light in his eyes dims with disappointment, and I hate myself for putting it there, for giving my favorite person in the world a reason to be despondent, even for a moment. Because that’s all it takes before he’s back to smiling, ready to dive off the side of a mountain.

“Alright, fam, bring my backpack to the fork, will ya?” he says right before taking a running leap off the craggy rock face, arms spread wide like a hawk.

The sound of his exuberant howls reverberate off the mountainside before I hear this body crashing into the water below.

Laurel and I are waiting for him to resurface and shout so we know he’s made it up, but the canyon leading down into the water is eerily quiet.

A fear colder than a glacier torpedoes through my entire body as I force my feet to carry me over to the edge.

I look down but don’t see my brother anywhere.

A paralyzing terror seizes my body as we start to call his name, praying he’s playing a prank on us or that he’ll surface and be totally fine.

That I’ll be able to see him smile and tell him I’ll start to live for me again, if he would just show us he’s okay, my own version of a desperate bargain people make in churches and chapels.

When we finally spot him, he’s floating upright and unconscious towards the shore. I kick into action as I grab Laurel and start to sprint down the mountain faster than I’ve ever run in my life, yelling out to my brother floating lifeless in a lake.

“MADDOX!”

“WE’RE COMING!”

“STAY WITH ? —”

“Wake up! Hendrix, please wake up!”

I startle awake to the feeling of cold sweat drenching my body, soft hands gently pushing hair off of my forehead. I want to lean into that touch, never leave the feeling of warmth it’s bringing to my frozen body.

I look over and see Silver sitting next to me on her heels, worry lining her gaze.

“What do you need?”

I shake my head, unable to speak around my rapid breathing or form coherent enough thoughts to be able to figure out what I need.

But I reach my hand up and grab her wrist, keeping her hand on my face.

Her eyes flit back and forth over me as she continues to stroke my face.

I lay there for unknown minutes, waiting for my pulse to slow, the sweat drying on my skin starting to make me feel itchy.

Once my heart settles into a normal rhythm, I’m able to focus on other details around me. The moon gilding a path through the bedroom, Silver’s smooth bare legs peeking out from her cotton sleep shorts, the heat emanating from her hand as she runs her fingers through my hair at a hypnotic pace.

“Do you think I could shower?” My tone is gruff with embarrassment at her seeing me like this, vulnerable and out of my body. Weak. My father’s voice filters in, harsh and unwanted. Men don’t pander to emotions, Hendrix. Get your shit together.

She stands slowly, taking my hand and guiding me into her bathroom. She rummages around in a linen closet and pulls a towel out, setting it on the sink counter for me. When she turns to leave, I halt her with my arm blocking her path.

“Would you—would you stay with me?” I can’t look at her, afraid of what I’ll see if I do, but when she doesn’t say anything, I glance down.

Raised eyebrows greet me, and I realize I’ve just asked her to stay with me when I’m about to strip naked and shower.

I rush to course correct. “Not to get in with me… Just stay. Talk to me like you do.”

“Like what? Incessantly?” she jokes while huffing out a laugh.

A small smile curves the corners of my mouth. “Yeah, Sunshine. Something like that.”

Vulnerability creeps over her expression, but she doesn’t leave, instead hopping up onto the bathroom counter. When I start to take my clothes off, she turns her head to give me privacy.

After I’ve stepped into her shower, she starts to speak. “Sorry, all my products are pretty girly, so you’re going to smell like fruit.” Her voice rings out trying to cut her nervousness with humor.

“I don’t mind smelling like you.”

Judging by the silence, that might have been too much, but Silver is quick on her toes and picks up the conversation again.

“If you could go anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?” She brings us to neutral territory, back to the tradition we have that feels as natural as breathing. It soothes the unrest inside me to have something that feels so familiar with her.

“Africa,” I answer. “Specifically, the Serengeti in Tanzania.” It was a trip my siblings and I always talked about doing together but never got to.

I was always too busy with work whenever Maddox would bring it up.

I still hate myself for it, not taking that vacation when I had the chance. “What about you?”

“Morocco. I want to see all the colors in the markets and try all the food and spices.” She wastes no time between her answer and her next question, clearly trying to distract me. “What is your favorite controversial pizza topping?”

Scalding water beats down my back, loosening my muscles as I think through my answer. “Probably tuna.”

“You’re a monster.” I can practically see the way her face puckers in adorable distaste.

“It’s actually pretty good.”

“I can’t believe I’m listening to this.”

We go back and forth like this for another ten minutes while I wash off the sweat and feel my body unknot from the combination of her voice and the hot water.

She leaves to give me privacy as I get out of the shower before I’m standing in her room in nothing but a towel, staring at my sweat-soaked clothes.

“I think I have a pair of Kena’s old University sweats still here… They might be a little small, but you could wear those?” There’s a wobble to her voice as she looks past me at her wall.

I’d prefer small over wet, so I accept her offer, and a few minutes later, I’m in gray sweats that are definitely too tight on me, chest bare.

Silver’s gaze glides down my body slowly, but she doesn’t say anything. She just pats the bed she made up with fresh sheets, and we both slip in quietly, sliding our backs against the headboard and letting the events of the night settle around us.

Her room is softly illuminated by moonlight, and I take a deep breath in before reaching out and tugging her to lay down with me, grabbing her hands in the process so they rest between us.

“Are you okay?” Her voice is gentle, tentative.

I pull her hand to my mouth and kiss her knuckles.

We’ve slowly gotten closer these past few weeks working on the store, but this isn’t something I’ll ever be ready to talk about and have purposefully avoided in the past. But something about her thumb softly stroking the back of my hand makes me want to flay myself open before her.

“Two years ago, my younger brother died.” Silver sucks in a nearly inaudible breath before I continue. “Both my sister and I were there, and we didn’t get to him in time. My mind likes to make me relive it occasionally in a recurring nightmare.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you’re not comfortable.”

I’m shaking my head at her before she even finishes the sentence. “No, it’s okay. I…I think I want to.” I think I need to.