Page 15

CHAPTER 15

IS THIS PURGATORY?

THEODORE

I t’s Friday.

That means Jax will be here any minute to start his physical therapy with Chris. I try to suppress my eyeroll, but knowing they’re in there with Chris’ hands all over Jax grates on my nerves way more than it should.

And I know it shouldn’t.

I know Chris is a professional unlike me when it comes to Jax. But I can’t help the jealousy that eats at me anytime he’s here for an appointment.

From what I’ve seen though, he truly seems to be healing great. Better than anyone could have hoped for or expected. He can move it a little more every day and hasn’t needed his crutches for a while. He’s even driving again.

Jax hasn’t stopped staring into my office on his way to and from each appointment. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to not rip open my door, pull his ass into my office, and ask him what he wants from this fucking behavior. But I know that we will end up in a situation neither of us need to be in.

So I do nothing.

And ignore him.

Like always.

It guts me from the inside out to not give Jackson Baker every ounce of my attention like he deserves. However, a man like Jackson deserves someone who doesn’t have pounds of baggage that comes along with him.

Someone that’s his age.

Someone that’s not an employee at his school.

And sure as fuck not someone that has a fiancée that he doesn’t know about.

I hear a noise in the hallway, and out of habit I look away from the computer screen and out the window, not even thinking about who might be on the other side of it. What meets my eyes is a very pissed off Jax.

This is the first time I’ve truly allowed myself to look at him since that day in that hospital. And he looks so… so different .

The dark circles under his eyes, his forward slumped shoulders, the wrinkles lining his clothes that normally aren’t there are all so unlike him. My eyes scan down the rest of his body to see if he’s okay, and I notice that he has lost a bit of weight, too.

Enough weight for his clothes to be baggy on him.

I don’t like it.

I hate knowing how sad and depressed he might be. And I hate even more that I’m not helping the situation. I can’t take it. But right as I stand from my desk to go talk to him, Chris walks out to greet him, and before I know it he’s gone.

* * *

I got lost in making sure my schedule was lining up with all the spring sports, and the only thing that pulls me out of the litany of calendar events is the sound of my door opening.

When I look up, I watch Jax stealthily slide into my office and shut the door behind his back. And when he reaches behind him to turn the lock I can practically feel my stomach fall out of my ass.

Standing from my chair, I walk around the other side of my desk. “Jax… what are yo?—”

Reaching out, he grabs me by the front of my Palm University shirt and pulls me to him.

And I don’t stop him.

His lips find mine like they always do. We’re like two magnets that can never be close to one another without pushing everything in their way to the side, desperate to touch again.

The sad-sounding whimper that leaves him has me pulling away to make sure he’s okay, but our lips never separate because his hands move to the back of my head, ensuring he can keep me right where he wants me.

And I let it happen… again .

I have no control when it comes to Jackson Baker. That much is clear.

And as much as I despise what feels like the little control I have over the rest of my life, relinquishing my control to him feels… so fucking right.

Which is how I know it’s wrong.

“Jax… we can’t?—”

? * He cuts me off, not wanting to hear the same words come from my lips. “I’m so tired of sitting outside this office like a lost puppy, hoping you’ll so much as look at me. I mean you—you haven’t even fucking checked on me once, Theo.” He holds his hand up to halt my question he clearly sees me about to ask. “No. You’re going to listen. You can’t just strut into my life, flip me upside down, and expect me to go on like nothing has happened. Like you can’t feel how right this is just as much as I can. I don’t understand why—” He inhales a shaky breath—” I don’t understand why we can’t be something. I mean shit, Theo, I’m about to graduate.”

Jax heaves for breath, as if that took everything in him to say to me.

“May I speak now?” He nods. “What’d you lock this door for, Jax?”

“So no one would see us.”

“Don’t you think that little window you’ve been looking through for weeks on end would allow them to do that?”

“Shit. Yeah, now that you say that… I guess I wasn’t thinking. I just really—” Suddenly he stands up straighter. “Actually, I don’t care. Answer my questions, Young.” I don’t like him calling me by my last name, well without the “Mr.” in front of it, but I leave that for another day.

“I’ve tried to separate myself from you because this isn’t something we can do, Jax. Has it been easy? No. But do we need to stay apart for both of our best interests? Yes.”

He slowly starts to clap, and my brows pull together in question. “How you managed to say the same fucking thing you always do, is beyond me, Theo. For being thirty, you would think you had some more depth to ya, but I guess this is just you.”

My jaw may as well be lying on the fucking floor. And the look of disgust on his face feels like a vice around my heart.

I finally pull my shit together and ask, “What do you want me to say?!”

“Anything! Anything besides the same goddamn excuses that you always give me.”

We’re bound to be drawing attention at this rate, but I just keep going. “I don’t know what you want from me, Jackson!”

He’s so pissed I can see the tears lining his eyes. And I don’t blame him in the slightest. I’m a fucking mess and dragging along this poor boy for my pleasure was never the right thing to do.

He pushes my shoulders slightly, and I move away from him, giving him some more space. He whispers, “I’m leaving before those stupid fucking words come out of your mouth again. Have the day you deserve, Mr. Young.”

I deserve to spend the day in hell.

And this very well could be my hell.

Having a man I’ve quickly fallen for within reach but not being able to claim him as mine, has to be some kind of purgatory.

Isn’t it?

* ? My Fault - Shaboozey, Noah Cyrus