Page 58 of Sharing Shadow Secrets (High Five Novella #6)

P acing outside High Five, I pull down my face mask, wondering if I’m about to do something stupid—or something epic.

I glance at my phone, debating whether to call my therapist. Part of why I work with him is for the high-touch, low client load.

If I call, he answers. But it’s late, and he also has a life.

Check your privilege. It’s not like this is an emergency.

I’m not thinking about ordering a drink or buying drugs.

I deeply inhale, centering myself. The air smells like fall—dry leaves and the cigarette smoke from a cluster of people outside.

I’ve been here before—too many nights chasing highs I pretended were just fun.

Now I’m flirting with Kyle, suggesting a threesome, and trying to convince myself it’s about Taylor’s fantasy, not my own craving.

Am I slipping? Am I using sex as a vice? Is this relapse-adjacent?

But I do want it. I want to give her something wild. I want their hands on me. I want to feel wanted. Desired.

Is this the kind of want that comes from addiction—or normal want? That’s always the question. And I never immediately know the answer because of everything I’ve been through.

My therapist would tell me to pause. So I do.

He’d ask: What story are you telling yourself right now?

That this is harmless? That doing it “for Taylor” means I’m not chasing the high?

He’d push further. Ask me: What’s underneath the want?

Loneliness?

Shame?

A need to feel in control?

I stop pacing and press my palm to my chest, grounding myself.

Maybe it’s all of it. Maybe part of me still believes I have to perform to be loved—to be chosen. That my willingness is why they want me.

Taylor isn’t asking me to be reckless though. She’s not pushing. She literally asked how this would impact my mental health. No one’s ever said that to me. Ever.

That means a lot.

And now that I’m really thinking about it … I want this. For her. For me. For us. I’m willingly going into it. I’m choosing this course. It was my idea. I want them.

But before anything else happens, we all need to get on the same page.