Page 42 of Sharing Shadow Secrets (High Five Novella #6)

I ’ve been catastrophizing, thinking that what’s happened to me makes me less than.

Taylor isn’t running. She’s pulling me in closer.

I’ve been holding onto old beliefs for too long.

I nearly shake my head at how cool Taylor is with all of this, especially the part about me having history with her vampire.

I don’t know why I’m hesitant to believe that a woman can truly be accepting of that.

It’s always been a secret I’ve kept. Kate never knew about the times I’ve been with guys alone.

She saw me with guys plenty, but we never talked about our side quests.

There has always been this immense guilt that takes over after each time with a guy, like it’s something I shouldn’t be doing even though I like it.

Not that I want to care about what my dad thinks, but I know he would not approve.

And I hate that I think about his expectations for my life and that it matters still.

“So,” Taylor says after a few bites. “Do you want to tell me more about what happened to you … when you were fourteen?”

“Do you want to know more?” I ask hesitantly, shifting in my seat.

I’m continually surprised in the best ways about Taylor. She’s open-minded, understanding, and empathetic. I’m relieved sharing these parts of me didn’t push her away.

She nods. “But only tell me if you want to tell me. I don’t want to force you to.”

I loudly sigh, but this is healthy. This is good.

My therapist has been wanting me to talk about it more.

“Well, it was so textbook. Like now that I’m familiar with the predator’s playbook, it could not have been more textbook.

He was doing business with my dad, and my dad had a photo of me in his office.

It was of me in my taekwondo uniform. I had a red belt, which is the belt before black belt.

The guy mentioned how he was a six dan black belt, which is very tough to get and almost at the top of the ranking.

So my dad, being my dad, was like, ‘Start training him. He’s been stuck at red for too long.

I don’t think these guys are as good as they say they are. ’”

Taylor scoots closer to me on the couch, grabbing for my hand. I guess I’ve been pausing for a while.

“I mean, he did what you think, built trust, started making me feel special, gave me way more attention than my dad ever did, was always checking in on me … but then he started doing little things, like testing boundaries, and with taekwondo, I mean, there is a lot of physical touch so at the time I just kept brushing it off.”

I press my palm to my head, reliving some of it.

“The most fucked up thing about it is that I thought he loved me. Like he had me believing this alternative reality that what we were doing was okay because it’s good for me to know what I’m doing when I get older and am with girls. It’s so fucking embarrassing.”

“You were a kid,” Taylor says softly, collecting both of my hands. Her glance shifts between each of my eyes a few times. “Did you ever report him or anything?”

I shake my head and decide to share. “A few years ago, someone asked me what I wanted to happen to that guy, and I said I wanted him dead … the next day, it was done.”

“There are perks to being rich.” Taylor pokes me, looking unphased by the fact that I just said someone was murdered. “Sorry, I don’t know how to handle these things. In my family, we use humor to deflect, but I’m happy he’s dead.”

I chuckle. “Me too.”

But then the tears start out of nowhere, flooding down my face. Declan. The first person I ever told. Besides my therapist, him, and Patrick, Taylor is the only person who knows that happened to me. And the only person besides Declan who knows what happened to that guy.

Wednesday, October 1st

W ith the workday almost done, I decide to text Taylor, wanting to get our next hang on the books. I love the deep bond we’re building without sex.

Brandon

Too short of notice for you to do a cycle class with me? There’s one at six I think I’ll do.

Taylor

Every time I’ve taken one of those classes, I’ve puked. Pass.

So, my roommates and I are going to get an Airbnb in Lake Geneva for Halloween weekend. I was assuming there would be more options … but what’s available is not that fun.

Brandon

You all can stay at my place. My friend Patrick and his girlfriend will be staying there too. You can stay there whenever you want, with or without me, you know.

Taylor

Thank you for reading between the lines there, and they are going to be so excited! I’ll make sure they don’t steal anything. I can have a hard time asking for things.

Brandon

You can ask me for anything.

Taylor

Well, okay then.

Smiling, staring down at my phone, I love our banter.

Brandon

Maybe you’re not that good at social media. I can’t believe you haven’t got another account yet.

Taylor

Take that back! I have met people who would have hired me, but I also don’t want to work with bad accounts. I’m being picky. I want to work with people that don’t hop from vendor to vendor. I want people that will stay with me for a long time.

Brandon

Commitment is very sexy.

Taylor

Patience is very sexy.