Page 41 of Sharing Shadow Secrets (High Five Novella #6)

W hat the fuck does he want to talk about? He’s taking a mental health day and wants to talk to me … Did he relapse? If we were together, what would I even do if that happened? We should talk about that too.

Shutting my laptop, my mind is racing with things I want to discuss with him, so I open my notebook and start jotting them down:

Relapse - Who are your doctors? What are signs I should be looking out for? Have you ever? Outside of alcohol, what else did you used to do? Do you have any permanent health damage?

Relationship - Have you hooked up with anyone since we met? I know I don’t have any right to ask you not to hook up with people, but I want to know. Your ex and you had other people. Do you want monogamy? I want commitment.

The sound of my buzzer sends my heart rate up.

What if Brandon doesn’t want this anymore?

Stop spiraling. I buzz him in and then open the door, hearing him come up.

I laugh seeing him with one huge take-out bag in each of his hands.

I was half expecting to see him in sweatpants, but you would never know he didn’t go to the office today. He’s wearing golf shorts and a polo.

“Did you invite other people?” I joke.

“No … but do you ever feel like eating your feelings?”

“Yes.”

“I’m having one of those days.” He leans down and kisses my cheek. I smile up at him and take one of the bags, curious what’s going on with him. “How is your day going?”

“Fine until you called me,” I say, setting the to-go bag on the coffee table in our living room. “I’ve been an anxious mess wondering what this is about.”

“Sorry …” he trails off, setting the other bag down and then pulling out each container. “I thought burgers, fries, and a bunch of fried food would be good.”

“Cheat day?” I tease, and he shrugs, smiling. “Water?” He nods, and I go into the kitchen to fill two glasses. I grab my notebook before returning to the living room, putting it under my arm. “Tell me what you want to talk about because I can’t handle it.”

He grabs a fry and sits back onto the couch.

“Did you relapse?” I ask. It’s the question most top of mind.

“No,” he exhales, smiling softly.

I take a seat next to him on the couch, relaxing the smallest amount. “Did you hook up with someone?”

“No.”

“Do you not like me anymore?”

“Taylor,” he says, nearly a scold. “I like you, which is why I’m here.”

“Spill.”

He runs his hand through his brown hair. “I had an emergency session with my therapist today, and I’ve been meaning to tell you something, but it’s something not many people know and only really important people to me know.”

I take in all of his body language. “Okay?”

“I hate saying the word.” He loudly exhales, and I grab for his hand, interlacing my fingers with his. I feel like he needs reassurance, comfort. His eyes flick down, staring at our hands. He squeezes my hand, and says, “When I was fourteen … I was molested.”

Shit. That’s terrible.

Hearing that, I release his hand, leaning into him, hugging him deep. Brandon wraps his arms around me, resting his head on top of mine. “It took me a long time to understand that’s what happened, and I’m continuing to process all of the ways I’ve responded … and still respond to that trauma.”

Holding him, I don’t know if it’s the empath in me or just being human, but I start crying into his chest. Feeling so sorry for him, understanding him deeper now.

“Why are you crying?” he asks, lifting his head from mine.

I pull back and stare into his eyes. “That fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” he says, wiping the tears from my eyes. “It’s still really hard for me to talk about.”

I hug him again, wanting him to feel safe. I hear him sniffle and pull back.

“I had it in my head that you wouldn’t want to be with me if you knew.”

“What?” I breathe. “No.” Then I lightly laugh about both of our anxieties. “I had it in my head you were done with me, making you wait … and that’s why you wanted to come over.”

“I’m not done with you. Honestly, I’m happy we’ve waited. Sex is … something I talk a lot about in therapy. And because we’ve gotten to know each other more, I can say that I like you more than I’ve ever liked anyone, and that scares me.”

I laugh, probably not the best response. “I feel the same. I’ve never liked anyone as much as I like you.”

I think of him as my boyfriend honestly. I’ve never thought of anyone like that.

“I want to break our rule,” he says, grabbing for my chin.

Smiling, I crawl forward, kissing him. I place my hand on his chest, pushing him back so his head is on the armrest. “If we don’t use our tongues, we’re not breaking the rules.”

He chuckles, then cups my face with his hands, kissing me deep before pushing me back. “You’re going to get one more client, and then it will be on.”

“Great motivation to keep hustling.” I play with my hair, turned on yet feeling a whiplash of emotions from what he shared.

Brandon grabs a burger and hands it to me. “Time to eat our feelings.”

After my first bite, I ask, “What made today overwhelming versus other days?”

He chews his burger for a few seconds, looking conflicted. “Your vampire.”

“What?” I ask, my jaw dropping.

“He’s someone I’ve hooked up with on and off for years,” Brandon says, looking down at the coffee table.

“No!”

Brandon nods, then takes a bite of his burger. “Something my therapist and I have talked about is how I might seek men out as a way of feeling control over the trauma. I don’t know. Like … do I like guys or am I trying to feel power over the situation?”

I take another bite, ruminating on that. “Can it be both?”

“I don’t know. Something I’m working through.

It’s blurry, for sure. Andrew is someone I’ve always been really physically attracted to.

We’ve hooked up so many times, and honestly, I don’t know anything about him.

We’ve just had this intense chemistry together.

I didn’t even know he was Kyle Rathbone online … ”

“Well, Morgan stalked him last night, so I probably know more about him than you,” I tease.

“Why was she stalking him?”

“She says I have a crush on him, so she wanted to learn more about him. Then, she found a photo of him kissing a guy online and did a deep dive.”

“Do you have a crush on him?” he asks tentatively, reaching for my hand.

I close my eyes as he plays with my knuckles, then I meet Brandon’s gaze. “I think Kyle’s really good looking.”

“He’s never looked better.” Brandon smirks, then feeds me a fry. “How do you feel about the fact that I’ve been with guys?”

“I’ve been with lots of guys.” I shrug. “But … I guess, in a relationship, I would prefer for it to just be you and me.”

“I thought you wanted a threesome.” He pokes my side.

“Well, we can discuss that.” I giggle. “But I want to be the only person you’re in a relationship with.”

“For sure. I want that too.” Brandon tilts his head. “You really don’t feel any sort of way that I’ve been with guys?”

“I feel like you’ll want to do anal stuff more than I’m used to, but otherwise … no.”

He laughs, a grin spreading across his face. I have nosey questions about him being with guys, but now’s not the time.

“We’ll only do stuff you want to do,” he says, giving my thigh a squeeze.

“Good thing I’m a slut,” I whisper, sticking my tongue out.

He leans forward, kissing my lips. “You don’t want to compare notes with me,” he teases.

“Maybe I do.”

“After you get your next client.”

I smile, taking another bite.

“So, I was worrying for nothing,” he says after a beat of silence.

“Looks like I was worrying about nothing too.”

Sipping my water, it sinks in. Brandon will be my boyfriend once I get my next client. I need to find one as soon as possible to end this torture for us.