Page 12

Chapter 12

Della

“ A rdella?” I heard someone calling for me in the distance. I shook my head to stop zoning out on the wooden coffin in front of me. It had been Holden calling me. I had stopped walking with them without realizing it. Holden and Sara both looked back at me to see if I would start walking again. When I didn't move, they both moved toward me.

Haden’s body was in the pine box in front of me, and it made me feel queasy.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered. I took a step backward, but Sara gripped my hand. She had helped me get ready this morning in a pretty black dress that Haden would’ve loved. I stared at the heels I wore. Haden wouldn't be here to carry me anymore when I needed him to. My eyes closed tightly as the memory of him carrying me to our home for the first time slipped through my mind. I was desperate to get swept away in the memory—the way he felt holding me, the way he kissed me. He had been so happy to show me the house.

“You can go as slow as you need to,” Sara encouraged me, pulling me from the memory. I watched Penelope and Henry at his coffin, talking to him—saying goodbye. It had only been three days. Three. And I had an existence more to live without him. Penelope and Henry moved away from Haden, and I let Holden and Sara step up to say goodbye next. In all honesty, it was because I did not feel brave enough to do this. I wanted to run back to his room and fall asleep in his bed. I never wanted to wake up again if this was my new reality. Sara and Holden turned to me after a few minutes. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

It was my turn to say goodbye.

“I can go with you,” Holden offered.

“No, I can do it.” I tried to convince myself.

They nodded and stepped aside. My gaze immediately landed on Haden’s face. He was too pale as I took a hesitant step toward him. I didn’t know what to say or do. How did I say goodbye to the love of my life? So, I stared at him and how handsome he looked in the black outfit his mother picked. My gaze lingered on his hands, folded perfectly on his stomach. Memories of him holding my hand hit me. Those hands would never draw again. They would never work on a house. They would never trace over my skin. I almost burst out crying at the thought that I did not get to put a ring on his finger and claim him as my husband.

I would never get to marry him or have the big family he always talked about.

I thought we had a lifetime to make memories. Hesitantly, I laid my hand on his chest, where his heart used to beat for me. All of our dreams for the future would now just be fantasies. I closed my eyes and told the heavens if they gave him back to me, I would protect him at all costs. I would do better.

I stared where my hand rested, thinking that Haden's chest would magically start moving again. Please, wake up. But he didn't, and my heart and soul could not fully grasp that reality.

“You were everything, Haden,” I whispered. “Please find me when you come back. Even if you do not look the same, I will recognize your soul.”

This wasn't fair. I wanted him exactly as he was in this life; there was not a single thing I would change. For a moment longer, I admired his handsome face once again—his straight nose that led to kissable lips and a strong jaw with a slight stubble on it. I glanced at his family watching me, unsure how I was supposed to walk away from him.

“I do not think I will know what happiness feels like again until the day you find me. I don’t understand how the realm continues to go forward when you are not in it. But maybe it is only my world that ended when you did.”

I leaned down and kissed his forehead before touching his soft hair one last time.

“I love you more, and I am still all in. I am waiting for you."

I stepped backward, and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. Penelope grabbed my hand as a man in all black lifted the heavy wooden lid to Haden’s coffin and set it in place with a final thud. He would never feel the sun again. The coffin was slowly lowered into the grave they had dug for him. I closed my eyes when they began shoveling the dirt in the hole. He would be in the dark, alone, and that made me feel terrible. Logically, I knew that he didn’t know this. He was dead. But I still worried he would be scared. Everyone else turned to leave, but I didn’t; I couldn’t.

“Ardella, do you want us to stay?” Henry asked.

“No, I will see you guys later,” I whispered. They hesitated, but I turned to them. “I’ll be alright.”

They nodded but did not seem convinced. I stood at his grave long after they finished burying him, not able to find the strength to walk away. Instead, I sat down and sighed heavily as I stared at the pile of dirt that stood between us. When night fell, I could not bring myself to leave him alone in the dark. I laid down next to him.

“It’s alright, Haden. You aren’t alone. I am here.”

I rested my hand on the dirt and closed my eyes.

“Oh, Ardella,” I heard Penelope whisper from nearby.?

I turned to look at her from where I lay. She came and sat by me, her hand rubbing my back softly.

“I’m sorry,” I told her as silent tears fell down my cheeks.

“What for?”

“You are grieving a son, but you keep trying to make me feel better. You should be at home with your family.”

Penelope let out a soft sigh as she thought about my words.

“You are our family, and you don’t have to apologize for grieving. We all are missing a brother, a friend, a son, but you are grieving the man you thought you had forever with. I can’t imagine that kind of pain.”

I sat up and moved next to her.

“We tried to give Haden and Holden good lives growing up, and I think we did that.” Penelope smiled softly. “But I don’t think Haden was truly living until you came along. He was so happy, Ardella. You made him so happy, and I know that no one else could have brought that out of him.”?

“He made me happy, too,” I whispered. “So much that I do not know what I am supposed to do now. How can I just keep living like my heart and soul aren’t buried under this pile of dirt?” I turned to her, and she wiped the tears from my cheeks. “I keep thinking that he will be alone if I leave. Or maybe it is that I will be alone if I leave him here.”?

“You will always have us.”?

But I won’t have him.?

“Thank you.” I leaned my head on her shoulder, “for giving me Haden, even if it was not long enough.”?

Penelope wrapped her arm around my shoulder and held me tightly.

?★★★?★★★?

“Dells, what is wrong?” Mikel asked as I lay in bed. “You haven’t left your bed in months, and you haven’t talked to me. Please, tell me how I can help you.”?

I stared at Mikel and knew I couldn’t tell him the whole truth because he was the God of Judgment, and I broke the laws of the gods to try and save Haden. But I needed my brother—my best friend.

“I fell in love with a man who was not my mate," I confessed.

Mikel looked at me and frowned. “That’s impossible.”

“And then he was murdered,” I said.

I tried to find those responsible for his death, but I couldn't find any trace of them.

“Did you fall ill with something? You are not making any sense.” He frowned as he checked my temperature with the back of his hand. “Our new maid, Pia, can bring you some tea if you’d like.”

“No.”?

“You may think that you loved him, but that is impossible, Dells. We only love our mates. I’m sorry that you lost him, but whatever it was, it wasn’t love.”?

I finally felt something other than grief.?

I instantly felt fucking enraged.?

I jumped out of my bed and pointed forcefully at the door, lightning crackling from my fingertips. “Get the fuck out of my room!” I yelled. Mikel stood up quickly, confused about what he had said wrong. “You know nothing, Mikel. I loved him. I love him! I love him.” I broke down in uncontrollable sobs.

“Ardella… I’m sorry.”

“Get out! Leave me alone. Do not come back in here.”?

Tears filled Mikel’s eyes when he saw how truly devastated I was. He didn’t leave, though. Instead, he came over to me and pulled me into his chest, at which point I promptly fell apart. I gripped him to me, and he held me in his strong arms as I sobbed loudly.

“I loved him with everything, Mikel, and he is dead.”?

“Shh, it’s okay.” He rubbed my back.?

“No, it’s not. That isn’t all of it. I met my mate and did not love him. I loved his brother.”

Mikel stilled against me.?“You met your mate?”

I nodded and pulled back. I couldn't tell Mikel any more about what I had done. We were not allowed to change fate or reject our mates.?Both of which I had tried to do.

“I did not love him, and he didn’t love me. He rejected me,” I lied. “I fell in love with his brother.”

Understanding flitted through his eyes. He knew what this meant for me. I was alone now, forever. Mikel’s tears fell silently down his face as he pulled me back to him.?“We’ll figure it out together.”

“Why did the heavens punish me?” I asked. “I do not know how I am supposed to live like this, like I did not experience true love. And then feel a grief so intense that I can’t even think of anything but him. I can’t picture one good thing about my future. I do not even want a future.”?

Mikel’s hands were still on my back as the reality of my grief hit him. He squeezed me again, and I closed my eyes tightly. Haden’s smiling face immediately filled the darkness in my mind. Mikel laid me down and covered me up.? His tears glowed down his face as he watched me, rubbing my hair for comfort.

“I will bring in some hot tea; that will help your mind relax,” he said with a frown. I could see that he did not know how to help me, and that hurt him. I nodded and wrapped my blanket tightly around me.?

Mikel walked out of the room, but the door cracked open almost immediately, and a petite blonde woman walked in holding a cup of tea.?

“I was already brewing you a cup of tea. I heard you crying all night and figured you’d be tired.” She set the cup down, her friendly eyes taking in the mess I was. “I’m Pia. I am here for anything you might need.”?

I sat up and sipped the tea she made. Gods, that was good. Pia smiled softly before turning to leave.?

“Thank you,” I muttered.?

“You’re welcome.” She paused. “I am sorry about your loss. If you need anything, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk with about him, my door is always open.”?

I nodded as I swallowed the lump in my throat. Pia left, and I sipped on my tea. My eyes ached with exhaustion, but I knew sleep would evade me. And if it didn’t, Haden’s memory would haunt me. I stood up and went to a small desk in the corner of my room, then grabbed a few sheets of paper and sat down.

I began writing all of the memories I could of Haden. I did not use his name, just in case Mikel found it. I didn’t want him to go snooping around and figure out what I had done. When I couldn’t remember anything else, I started writing him letters.

My emotions and thoughts about my days without him spilled from me, flowing from my quill and leaking across the page before me like tears made of ink—grief in every line. There was something freeing about writing to him, almost as if he could read my words. So, I decided that I would write to him as much as I could. And I would always end my letters the same way. Always, your Storm.