Page 28 of Searching for Sadie (Mystic Falls #5)

SADIE

S adie was just finishing up her shift at the diner. She'd been working the lunch shift again today and she was ready to head home.

"Shoot, sorry about that."

Sadie got them their food and took it to the table apologizing for the wait.

"Are you doing, okay?" asked Mae.

"I'm a little distracted today."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine."

Mae crossed her hands over her chest and gave Sadie an evaluating gaze.

"I'll be right as rain for my next shift, I'm just having an off day," Sadie said trying to reassure her.

"Oh, I know that, but if you need anything let me know."

"I will."

"When your table leaves you can head home if you want."

"Okay thanks," Sadie said as she got back to rolling silverware.

It was Thursday. The new batch of episodes dropped today. The girls had offered to watch them with her, but Sadie had told them that she wanted to watch these ones alone. She wasn't exactly sure what was coming but she had a feeling she was about to me a mess of all kinds of ugly emotions.

On her way home she stopped by the market to get all the provisions to hole up and watch the show and feel sorry for herself.

She had a feeling that would be exactly what would happen.

As she entered Fipps market she hit all the necessary aisles.

First, she hit the snacks, loading up on chips and chocolate, the frozen sections for some pizza and mini tacos, followed by the drinks.

.. well the booze aisle, but wine was necessary.

The nerves she'd been feeling shot up even more when she saw Lucas's mother was the only person ringing people up. What she would give for self check out right now.

"Sadie! What a nice surprise. How are you today?" she asked as she started ringing her up.

"I'm good."

If she'd noticed anything peculiar about Sadie's purchases, she'd kept quiet, which was good.

"I’ve been meaning to tell Lucas that we want to have you both over for dinner.”

“Oh, that would be lovely.”

“Okay, well you have a good night, and I’ll talk to Lucas and get something worked out.”

“I look forward to it. See you later, Mrs. Fipp.”

“Please, call me Marley. Have a nice evening.”

Sadie took the bags and made her way to her car.

After a shower and putting on her comfiest pajamas, she was curled up in bed surrounded by snacks ready to watch the new episodes.

Well, not ready, because she was just staring at the home page that had a split screen of her and Ryan in their room talking.

The smile that covered her face was genuine.

This was from the brief moment of time she'd actually thought she'd met the love of her life, before everything fell apart.

The play bar sitting on the screen was highlighted.

All she had to do was hit enter, but she just couldn't seem to do it.

George sauntered into the room and curled up in her lap.

"Okay, Georgie, let's do this." She hit the play button and started the first episode.

The first part of the day was relatively pain free.

That was until the end. This was her reveal episode.

Ryan had proposed and they were seeing each other before leaving for their honeymoon in Mexico.

There she was on the screen wearing a blue sparkly dress, she remembered feeling so beautiful in that dress.

Looking at herself now she thought she was beautiful.

She remembered being so excited to see Ryan for the first time.

They'd spent hours and hours talking and getting to know each other without ever seeing each other.

That was the whole premise of the show, but this was the moment they saw each other for the first time.

This was the moment she felt everything shift in a way she couldn't fully explain until later.

She remembered so clearly being excited to see him.

She remembered the look on his face and the surprise; she'd felt it too.

She remembered this tall thin man with sandy brown hair in a suit before her.

He was the man she'd connected to on so many levels, their embrace had felt so true, their first kiss had felt amazing.

She left the meeting ready to see him on the plane on their way to Mexico.

But knowing what she knew now, she could see his reaction in a new light.

In that moment, he'd decided she was unworthy.

The shame in being deemed unworthy at first sight speared her, and the first round of tears for the night started. She paused the show and snuggled the cat to her face. George just purred and head butted her right back. She popped open a bottle of wine and started the second episode.

Sheknew what was coming; she'd lived through the trip.

She'd lived through him pulling away for no reason.

He'd even slept in a second room because he was having panic attacks, at least that was what he'd said.

She was being supportive. Even then she remembered the gut feeling that something was off, and that something was her.

He'd told her it wasn't her and he was just going through something.

But that something he was afraid of was looking bad, that was becoming more and more apparent.

At least the editing of the show was telling the truth of that.

She was glad, even if it was the most humiliating thing she'd ever felt.

The third episode had another gut punch. She watched on TV as they had an excursion on the beach, they'd gone horseback riding before meeting up with the rest of the cast to play volleyball on the beach. She was in beach clothes… because she was on a beach.

"Do you want to wear something else?" he'd asked her

"No, this is fine," she said as she looked down at her bikini top and shorts.

He had been in a bad mood, which wasn’t unusual for the trip, but he hadn't even played volleyball with them.

He'd sat to the side. At the time she'd been upset because he was being a weird party pooper, but now she could see the look of disdain and judgement in his eyes.

He didn't ask her to change because he was worried, she wouldn’t be able to do the sport in the clothes, but because he was embarrassed by her.

In fact, later that night when they'd met up with the cast for drinks, she'd worn a strappy tight blue dress.

She thought she looked amazing, her hair was down in beach waves, her skin was sun kissed, and the dress hugged all her beautiful curves.

That night she'd gotten a little tipsy and danced and had fun with the women in that cast, but again Ryan was on the sidelines being a sour puss.

She watched their first fight play out on her computer screen once they'd got back into the hotel room.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

He just entered the room and flopped on the bed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"What?" she asked again.

"That was so embarrassing."

She had assumed he was embarrassed because she got a little tipsy and was dancing and laughing loudly, but she could see he was embarrassed to be with her. At that and another tear streamed down her face.

But by far the worst episode of the night came when the men of the show got together.

The women got together and talked about their experiences.

Mostly they were sharing what it was like, if they'd had sex yet and other things.

For whatever reason the production was really interested in them discussing how intimate they'd gotten. Sadie had abstained because number one, she wasn’t about to talk about that on a show, but also their intimacy had been zero.

They weren't even sleeping in the same bed.

But his conversation with the guys was humiliating and heartbreaking to watch. When he'd been asked how their relationship was going, he had shifted in his seat before saying.

"I don't know, I don't think she was honest."

"How so?" asked one of the guys.

"I just feel like who she was in the rooms is not who she is. I think she tricked me."

TRICKED HIM? She was close to throwing her laptop across the room at that one.

"I mean, maybe you just need to give it some time. It's hard to be yourself with all the cameras around," said one of the guys.

"Thank you!" she said to her computer.

"No, I think she was dishonest on a more personal level."

What the fuck was he talking about? Dishonest? Sure, she didn't tell him how she looked, that was the whole point of the show!

"She seems like a cool chick," one of the guys said.

"Are you attracted to her?" one asked

The camera panned back to him, and he looked sweaty and uncomfortable. "I mean, would you be?"

While one of the guys laughed and high fived him, the others at least gave him side eye, but that was it.

Sadie felt like she just wanted to be swallowed up by the earth. She just wanted to stop existing. Part of her knew that was way too much power to give a small little man, and she knew eventually that part would win out, but right now she just wanted to crawl away and die.

George had gone off somewhere, so she reached for the cat Lucas had won her at the carnival. She'd put the flannel on it he gave her that night when she was cold on the walk home which made it smell like him. She snuggled the cat while she watched the rest of the episode and cried.

She woke up in the morning with her computer still open on the bed next to her.

The sun was shining in her window, but she just couldn't bring herself to deal with anyone it.

After going the bathroom and reforming her hair into a messy bun she staggered to the kitchen to feed George.

There was still too much brightness in this god-awful pink mess of a house.

She pulled all the blinds and made her way back upstairs to get in bed.

She looked at her phone which was lit up with notifications, but she couldn't bring herself to deal with any of them. She just pulled the covers over her head and went back to bed.

She woke up to a knock at the door. The light was no longer trying to sneak through the blinds of her eastern facing room, so it was at least afternoon sometime since there was still a fair amount of ambient light.

Maybe she should answer the door but answering it looking the way she did would only feed the humiliation she was trying to hide from.

She just pulled the covers back over head to help block out the existence of anything not in this room.

The next time she woke up George was kneading her back and purring.

The room around her was dark. She felt around blindly for her phone.

Squirting at the brightness from the screen she checked the time.

It was after ten. She'd slept the day away.

Good. But the little orange monster was reminding her that he'd missed his dinner.

After feeding George she went back upstairs and put on a Dolly record and sat in the window seat looking out. Her room was dark so she could see out, but no one would be able to see her. There was something comforting about that. She found herself wishing she could live just like that.

But as she gazed at the stars listening to Dolly, she couldn't help but ask herself what would Dolly do?

She knew what Dolly wouldn't do. She wouldn’t hide away in her room because a man had deemed her unattractive and humiliated her for millions of viewers to see.

No, Dolly would get herself all dolled up and show everyone she was unaffected by his nonsense.

She would know her worth didn't depend on what others thought of her.

Finally, that thought lifted a little of the haze she'd been lost in for the past twenty-four hours. She wasn't quite ready to greet the world, but she knew she was worthy of doing so. And for right now, that was a good first step.

As she sat in her dark room gazing out her window she saw the light from Lucas's garage door opening.

He stepped out of his garage to get something from his truck.

Once he got it, he stopped to look at Sadie's house before checking his phone.

The shadows fell across his furrowed brow as he slipped it back into his pocket.

She ached for him. She wanted the effortless way he made her smile.

She wanted to feel his big strong arms around her, but she didn't move. She just sat there watching him.