Page 64 of Sean's Sunshine

“Yeah, but Rivers makes things complicated. Henry used to room with you, now he’s got his own place, an interesting job, that sort of thing.”

“Yeah, that’s great. But what do I tell her aboutme?”

Sean let out a breath. “That you’re still gay. That your first boyfriend moved away and waiting tables alone wasn’t enough to make the rent. That you’ve played the field, and now you and I are sort of a thing. None of that is a lie, Guillermo. None of that should make you ashamed.” He paused. “Areyou ashamed? Because you shouldn’t be. You fed yourself. You paid rent. You hurt nobody. And you stayed safe.”

Billy grunted. “You do realize… I mean, youknowsometimes we went out there and sold it, right?”

Sean grunted in return. “I thought maybe,” he said softly. “It’s… well, it follows sometimes.”

“Still safe,” Billy assured him, feeling low, lower than low, even if Sean never once tried to make him feel like that.

“Billy, I’m not going to tell your mother anything you don’t want me to. I promise, sweetheart. I won’t betray you.”

Billy fought the absurd urge to cry. “I… I don’t know how to thank you for that,” he said hoarsely.

“Trust me,” Sean said simply. “I know your father was a bastard, and you haven’t found someone to believe in since then, but maybe… maybe… you could trust me?”

Billy let out a breath. Wasn’t that what it came down to?

“I’m trying so hard,” he whispered. “I don’t know why this is so hard.”

Sean let out a short laugh. “Because we’re human. We just are. You’ve got a guarded heart, Billy. You learned early not to leave any part of you out there to get wounded. It’s kept you alive, and I get it. But… but….” His voice dropped. “Last night meant a lot to me. I think it meant a lot to you. If we’re going to build on that, you’ve got to trust that I won’t throw you away, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, swallowing.

And then Sean said the thing that made it click. “Like you feel liketheythrew you away,” he said softly. “You were their rock, Guillermo. Don’t think I don’t know that. You kept all the kids in line, and you kept your dad away from them. Took the worst of the bad shit. And they found out the one thing about you they didn’t like, and that was it—ripped out of their lives. And you make a good show of it, but it hurt you. It hurt you bad enough that you backed away from the kids at the flophouse, even though every instinct you’ve ever had was probably screaming to step in and be an older brother. But you were done with that, because it only ended up hurting, am I right?”

Billy grunted because hey, that was even deeper than his shrink had gotten in the last few months.

“And you tried to make your body perfect, because that, at least, you could control,” Sean finished on a rush.

Billy took a moment at a stoplight to scowl at him.

Sean scowled back. “Am I wrong?”

“No,” Billy muttered, looking back at the road. “I don’t like talking about it.”

“I get that,” Sean said softly. “But you’re going to have to figure out how to negotiate those waters, because your mom’s going to want to know why you’re not eating her food.”

Billy groaned slightly. “I’ve got a scene next week,” he muttered. “I should start fasting on Monday!”

Seanhmmed noncommittally, and Billy let out a frustrated groan. He was hurting Sean with this—he knew it, and while he admired Sean’s refusal to force a decision, he almost wanted it. Did he really have to be the grown-up about this?

Except the answer to that question was yes. And so was the answer to all the questions he had now. Keeping his family in the dark about what he did was a valid choice, but if he made that choice he was going to have to stick with it. He didn’t want to hurt his mother—and frankly he didn’t want to open himself up to more hurt. He was just so thrilled to have his family back again. He felt like he needed to make sure they wouldn’t… what had Sean said?

Throw him away?

“Gah!” he groaned. “Why are you so good at adulting!”

Sean’s laughter was bitter. “Billy, you’ve heard me talk to my mother for nearly six weeks now. Have I even once told her about Jesse?”

Billy’s answer was a growl because he hadn’t even met the guy, but hehatedthat guy.

“Yeah, no,” Sean answered for him. “So I get not telling your mother everything, even if your family is super tight knit. Just, whatever story you’re going to give, make sure you stick to it. I’ll back whatever play you make.”

Billy let out a groan, and then, almost like his hand had taken over because his brain seemed stuck on Neanderthal noises, he reached out and grabbed Sean’s hand as it rested on his thigh and squeezed.

Sean squeezed back, and that was sort of the end of conversation for the rest of the trip.