Page 10 of Sean's Sunshine

“That sucks,” he rasped, and Billy rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, so now I have to. Sorry, man. I know how you probably feel about this job. I was trying to spare you the dirty details, but….” He shrugged. “Dex and John are pretty good to us—health, mental health, dental. They got a program started for after porn, ’cause not all the guys are thinking that far into the future, right? So Dex needs my help and….” He shrugged again, and Sean nodded, part of him touched because Billy was being sort of a stand-up guy.

But part of him was irritated, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that.

He took a shallow breath—no deep breaths for him yet—and said, “I appreciate that you tried. I mean, you’re right. I’m not comfortable with what you do for a living, but you tried to make me comfortable. That was nice. Thank you.”

It was Billy’s turn to cock his head. “That’s it? That’s all you got to say?”

Sean turned blindly toward the television set. “I don’t own you,” he said gruffly. “I don’t own your time. You made a good-faith effort, and you’re trying to do your boss a solid. I… even if Ididhave something to say about it, I wouldn’t have any right to say it, would I?”

Billy let out his own breath. “No,” he agreed. “But that hasn’t seemed to stop you yet.”

Sean glared at him. “What?” he tried to snap, but his voice didn’t do that yet. Not enough force behind his vocal cords. It came out like a rasp. “Hhwwwhhhath?” That was fine, though. Billy apparently got his back up with Sean’s intentions and not his actual tone.

“You got an opinion on everything is all. I should be a nurse and not an engineer. Rivers should be resting and not helping Cotton. I should stick to waiting tables and ignore the nice big cash influx that porn gives me—”

“I never said that,” Sean protested.

“Yeah, but I could read your fucking mind every time I brought it up.”

Sean glared at him, even though so far the glare had no effect on this kid whatsoever. “That is not my fault. I can have opinions on all sorts of things, but if I don’t try to make themyouropinions, you don’t get to argue.”

“Ha! That suits you fine, doesn’t it? You just glare at me and wish I was fuckin’ dead and call me a whore in your mind, but it’s all my fault I’m taking it bad?”

Sean gasped and then coughed, and then scowled because heneededto answer that one and goddammit, he had no wind yet. “I never said that,” he managed. “I neverthoughtit. And if you heard it, you imagined it’s what I thought. I may be a good Catholic boy with a lot of baggage, but I’ve worked at being better than that sort of judgy asshole, so you need to take that back.”

It was true. Sean could admit it. A year ago he’d met Ellery Cramer while Jackson had been in the hospital. Sean had been hit hard with the crush, but Ellery had already been so far gone over Jackson that Sean hadn’t had a chance. And Sean—who had only heard what the department had to say about Jackson, and none of it was good—had wondered why. For the last year, he’d made Jackson Leroy Rivers and Ellery Cramer his study, and the thing that had most impressed him—the thing that Ellery seemed to have fallen truly and deeply in love with—had been Jackson’s ability to accept people without judgment. It was hard as a cop; it was hisjobto judge people. He arrested them, brought them to punishment, helped the DA make a case against them. Right and wrong were very concrete, right? So how could Jackson make his way through the prostitutes and drug addicts, through the petty thieves and drunks, and not see the dregs of society? The thing that cops were protecting nice peoplefromas opposed to the nice people Jackson felt needed protecting from the police?

And the more Sean had worked with the two of them, the more he’d realized that every person had a story. Every person started as a human being. Even the bad guys—and there were some real pieces of shit out there—started out as people.

After a year of working to change his perspective, of working with Henry, who mentored these kids, with Jackson, who protected them, and with Ellery, who defended them without question, Sean had all but eliminated the word “whore” from his vocabulary, unless he was talking about a crooked politician. He wasdamnedif this kid would call him out when he hadn’t even been thinking the word—or any judgment really.

He’d mostly been wondering why he felt uncomfortable thatBillywould be the one filming the scene.

“All right, all right,” Billy said, holding his hands out. “I’m sorry, Mr. Soft and Sensitive. Forgive me if I didn’t know you had a tender underbelly. You’ve been nothing but attitude since I got here.”

Sean shook his head, hurt. “How would you know?” he asked. “I can’t even get you to commit to a television show or answer my questions about music or books. How am I supposed to talk to you as a human when you’re all ‘Don’t mind me, I’m a fucking island’ while I’m stuck on the goddamned couch!”

The sound Billy made then was sort of like the one Sean had made when he’d been stabbed. Sort of a squeak and anoolfand a gasp all at the same time.

“It’s not like you meant any of that shit,” Billy retorted. “You were fucking humoring me because I make your damned meals and help you in the shower, right?”

Sean sent him a wounded look but didn’t answer. Just shook his head and turned back to the television. He had no idea what he was watching, but it was supposed to be good, right?

Following a long silence, Sean actuallydidstart to watch the show. HadNCISreally been on since 2003? Wow. He’d had no idea. Well, time to watch from the beginning because he was getting interested.

“I’m sorry,” Billy said, and for once he didn’t sound snarky or sarcastic. He sounded, well, sorry. “I… I figured you being a cop and all, you were probably just putting up with me.”

Sean let out a breath, but he couldn’t look at Billy now. He’d gotten used to the cynicism, the hardness in his eyes. “I used to be that kind of cop,” he admitted. “I like to think I’ve grown.”

“Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude and shit. I didn’t want to hear it if you thought I was a whore.”

Sean was startled into looking over to the couch by the nakedness of the statement. The kid he saw there was… smaller somehow. Still the wide-shouldered Adonis with the impressive gym muscles—he used Sean’s weights and treadmill every day—but also not the impressive drill sergeant with the attitude.

“I… I don’t,” he said, hoping it was true. “I wish you did something else—I’m just not comfortable about sex in public, I’m sorry—but I get it. Waiting tables doesn’t pay the rent or the tuition. Like I said, you don’t owe me shit. I just… you know. Wish you’d talk to me.” He nodded at the television. “I mean, this show’s not bad, but sometimes you want another human in the house for a reason.”

Billy’s mouth twisted into that familiar smile, but this time it had a softer edge. “Here,” he said. “Hit Pause for a minute, let me finish this paragraph I was reading before Dex called, and I’ll watch it with you. I used to like cop shows when I was a kid. Something about believing in good guys. Never gets old, even when you know it’s all crap, right?”