Page 173 of Scent to the Feral Cowboys

“Can I ride you, Ghost?”

I waited for a sign.

She simply stayed completely still, watching and waiting.

The decision was impulsive and reckless—exactly what I needed. I’d not been brave enough to ride her or even ride a different horse alone. I’d only been on Behaichi with Boone, and once on Duck with Wade. But I needed this—to let go, through caution to the wind, to escape somehow.

I hoisted myself up, swinging my leg over the fence until I was perched awkwardly atop it, one leg dangling on either side. Ghost watched me curiously but didn't move away. My heart pounded in my chest as I contemplated what I was about to do.

"Please stay still, girl," I murmured, my voice trembling slightly. "I really don’t want to fall on my ass.”

As if understanding my plea, Ghost remained perfectly motionless beside the fence, her breathing steady and calm while mine came in nervous little gasps. I shifted my weight carefully, sliding from the fence onto her bare back. Once atop her, it took everything I had to not tumble off her back in self-preservation. I felt a momentary panic at the lack of saddle, reins, or any control.

But what did control matter anymore?Everything in my life was spiraling away from me anyway. It had been for a long time.

I adjusted myself on Ghost's slender back, my calves positioned where Boone taught me, ready to gently push inward with my calves to urge her forward. I leaned over, wrapping my arms around her neck, praying I wouldn’t topple off. I buried my face in her mane for a moment, inhaling how she smelled.

It was a scent not unlike Grandmother’s quilt after she’d hung it in summer sun to dry when I was a little girl. No hint of laundry soap or softener left behind. The material had absorbed the day’s warmth and kept it safe so Grandmother could wrap me in it at bedtime.

"Thank you," I whispered against her neck, no longer caring if I did fall, even if the impact broke every bone in my body. At least then I'd feel something besides this hollow ache in my chest put there by the Alphas stealing back their affection, their kindness, their desire for me.

"If you’re going to throw me off, don’t do it too hard, okay?” As I spoke, I pressed my calves against her. She shifted beneath me, adjusting to my weight, and then she began to amble across the grass. Though I knew I shouldn’t encourage her faster, knew I wasn’t ready for that, I tightened my legs around her a fraction more.

Ghost’s pace quickened until air whipped against my cheeks and my heart raced. As a feeling similar to pumping your legs on a swing as hard as possible, trying to push as close to the sky above as you can, crashed over me, I closed my eyes. The sensation carried me away from my worries.

On the cotton-hued mare, I decided that whatever happened next—whether I stayed or left, whether the Alphas explained themselves or not—I’d not give up after all. I wouldn’t break. I wouldn’t completely fall apart. Life had tested me repeatedly, and it never won. I gave myself completely over to the horse, letting her take me wherever she wanted. I didn’t even open my eyes to see if she was going to crash into the fence, or leap overit in her own effort to find liberation. Only when her galloping slowed to an ambling, did I part my lashes.

Ghost was heading back towards the fence, near the section I’d used to get on her. On the other side of it now stood all five men. I wondered if I could close eyes again and make them go away.

Their expressions were a mixture of awe and something else I couldn’t place at first. The answer came into my mind seconds later though, as Ghost brought us closer.Torture.They looked tormented, as if witnessing something both magnificent and painful. Which, like this morning, made no sense at all.How could they look at me that way? How could they admire me, yet loathe me all at once?

"Nelly," Wyatt called, his voice hoarse. "Jesus Christ. You can’t do that. You can’t ride alone. It’s not safe."

His words sent anger bursting inside my chest, like a firework had been lying in wait, wishing for a match.

“I can do anything I want,” I bit out, suddenly aware of how I must look—windblown, tear-stained, perched bareback on Ghost. The mare shifted beneath me, sensing my tension. I stroked her neck with one hand, praying she wouldn’t get upset and knock me off in front of the men.

“He didn’t mean it that way,” Wade insisted, stepping forward and lifting his hands to white-knuckle grip the fence.

"I think I know what he meant," I said, trying to steady my voice. My legs trembled against Ghost's sides, but I refused to show weakness. "You all think I'm fragile. Like I'll break at the slightest touch. No," I tilted my chin, feeling the kind of fury that drowned people, “You think I’m not worth it. You’ve finally figured out I’m not strong enough for this place, not strong enough for you. Just say it so I can get on with my life. Say it so I can leave.”

Wyatt's eyes flashed with pain and frustration; he shook his head violently. “You’re wrong, Nelly. Everything you just said is so damn wrong.”

"Then what is it?" I demanded, my voice rising. Ghost shifted nervously beneath me, and I forced myself to breathe deeply, to calm down for her sake. "What changed between last night and this morning?”

Boone stepped forward, his jaw set in a hard line. "Nelly, come down from there. Now."

The command in his voice only stoked my fury higher. "No."

"Please," Cooper's voice cracked. "Just—get off the horse and we can talk."

"Talk? Like this morning when you all barely looked at me? Or like now, when you're ordering me around like I'm a child?" I tightened my grip on Ghost's mane, determined not to back down.

“We didn’t mean to, Nell,” Cooper pushed, word still fracturing. “We just didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say.”

“So, instead you decided to treat me like crap and ice me out?” I challenged.

Levi moved faster than I thought possible, walking to the fence and launching his body over it with only a few precise touches of hands and boots on wooden rails. He strode towards me and Ghost. When he was right next to us, he raised his arms.