Page 64 of Scarred in Silence

“Alters?”

“Yeah. The “other” versions of myself. I have a fragmented identity. They said it’s from trauma.”

I nod. Makes sense.

“I’m going to go to bed now. I’ll see you in the morning,” she says.

“Goodnight.”

I slide down onto the mattress and roll onto my side. I hope sleep comes fast. I really need it right now. My thoughts are racing.

* * *

“How did you sleep?” The doctor asks me.

“Fine.” Lie. I woke up about fifty times.

“You look tired.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Do you feel like harming yourself or others today?”

“No.”

“I need you to be honest with me. We will keep you on an involuntary hold if we feel like you are lying to get out of treatment.”

“I will always try to harm myself. It’s who I am.” I say flatly.

He nods.

“You will have to continue your stay. We will work on getting appropriate meds for you to help with the urges.”

I nod. I hate medicine. It always makes me feel like a zombie.

I stand and walk out of the office.

The lobby is pretty sparse. Only a handful of us are here. I have been hanging out with Elliana. Even when one of her other identities is present, she is always nice to me.

I take a seat in the chair for group. It’s always the same thing. I sit, introduce myself. Then I zone out. I don’t need to be here. I’m fine.

I love pain. That’s all.

I sit and wait for group to be over. Thoughts passing through of all of the things I did to make my parents angry.

I went to parties, did drugs, cut myself, lost my virginity, snuck out of the house, ran away, and the list goes on.

I just know that I don’t regret anything. I did everything for a reason. To be seen. To be heard.

Amara has always had a voice, but me? Nothing. I am a soulless human, wandering the earth trying to get someone to notice me.

* * *

Elliana stares at her drawing she has been working on for hours. She said she gets in this flow and can’t stop. I get it.

“Why do you always draw people?” I ask her.

“People are just interesting. They care so much about what people think. I like to draw raw emotion. It tells a story.”