Page 77

Rachel

I left Dante alone afterwards.

We had engaged in rough sex before, but that was something else. That was filled with a hatred he had barely been able to contain. Usually, there was a safe word. After care.

There was none of that this time.

As soon as he had finished on my stomach, he went back to the shower I interrupted, and I went downstairs to make up my bed for the night on the sofa.

I hated that we weren’t in the clubhouse. As nice as Vienna was, I didn’t want to spend the night in this shitty house with him and Hacksaw. Not after what happened on the boat.

It was fucking humiliating knowing I was going to see them day after day.

Why were they even here? They had their own homes to be at. But lately, they never left Dante’s side.

I looked in the mirror above the fireplace and saw the bruises beginning to appear on my neck. Pulling my top down, I noticed similar bruises on my arms, and I knew if I was to strip naked, my body would be taking on a marble effect of black and blue all over.

“Did I do them?” Dante asked quietly.

I raised my eyes up and looked at him through the mirror, seeing him leaning against the doorframe. He was looking at me with a strange expression, one that I couldn’t quite decipher. I quickly put my top back in place and spun around to face him.

“Well, it wasn’t fucking Bee, was it?” I snapped, not meeting his eyes as I went to sit on the edge of the sofa.

“Rachel…” he sighed heavily and pushed himself off the doorframe to come closer to me. He sat on the arm of the sofa, as far away from me as he could manage before he spoke again. “What happened tonight… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. ”

“It’s fine. We both know if I didn’t want it, I could have stopped it at any point.”

“You think you could stop it, but the rage I felt, Rachel—”

“Dante, despite what you may think, we both also know that had I said stop, you would have stopped. You’re not a monster.”

“Am I not?”

“You think you are?” I asked, turning my head to look at him.

“I’m aware of what I am. I’m a man who kidnapped a woman and has been holding her against her will ever since. I’m a man that lies to that woman, and myself, by telling her she can leave whenever she wants, when we both know what would happen if she did.”

I said nothing. I just looked down at my nails and picked at the skin around them until they were bleeding.

“I’m also aware that I’m a man who has been punishing the woman he claimed to love.

For the past few weeks, I’ve treated you with nothing but contempt.

I’ve acted towards you the same as I would a prospect – less than a prospect, in fact.

I’ve pushed you away, and then I degraded you in front of the men I had always demanded show you respect. ”

“So, what are you saying?” I asked, a knot forming in the pit of my stomach.

“I’m saying I’m done. I’m finally giving you what you’ve been asking for. I’ve already spoken to the Geller family, and they’re willing to have you back and—”

“Dante, before you go any further, I really need to tell you something.”

“Let me finish!” He snapped, taking a deep breath. “What happened today… There are no excuses. I was a cunt, plain and simple. I never should have let that happen on the boat, and I never should have let that happen upstairs either. The rage I feel towards you gets stronger every day.”

“Dan—”

“No. I’m going to be honest, and you’re going to fucking listen.

Pride made me keep you for so long. I wasn’t willing to admit to myself that I made a mistake.

But I did. You’re not the woman I thought you were – which is pretty fucking funny, really, because the woman I thought you were was based on nothing but my own assumptions.

I love the woman you are. Please don’t think I’m insulting you, because I’m not.

But we are not compatible. I’m finally ready to face up to that. ”

“And if it’s too late to go our separate ways?” I asked, clenching my fists so hard my nails were leaving little crescent dents in the palms of my hands.

“I’m putting a stop to it before it gets too late.”

I let out a bark of laughter. “Are you done, or is it my turn to talk?”

He stood up. “I don’t want you to talk. Because if you talk, we’ll convince each other that what we have is worth clinging to – and it’s not,” he said flatly, not able to meet my eyes.

“You were right when you said I’m too committed to the club, but you were wrong when you said it’s all I care about.

I’ve spent too much time with you. I’ve neglected my responsibilities.

Whether you understand it or not, the club has to come first.”

“Okay, but—”

“But what?”

“If you would stop interrupting me for one fucking second, I’d be able to tell you!” I snapped, finally getting to my feet to meet him head on.

“And here it is. Tempers are flaring. I’m not doing this, Rachel.

This relationship is fucking cursed. Since you arrived, I’ve been stabbed, kidnapped, I’ve lost one of the longest members of this club — a man I considered a fucking uncle!

My daughter has been burnt, my brother is dead, my mother is falling to pieces, my dad is dead, and we have a psycho out for our blood. It’s been two fucking months!”

“And I’m to blame for all for all of that? Macbeth is the one who caused all this pain, and I’m the one who put a fucking stop to it!” I hissed, shoving him with all my might.

“Rachel… I can’t fucking do this! You don’t want to be here, and I’m done fighting about it.

You were literally on the ferry to Ireland a few hours ago, and now you’re trying to convince me you want to stay.

You mess with my fucking head. You make it so I can’t think straight.

There’s a war coming, and I don’t want to be entering it off the back of yet another argument with you!

You’re too much of a distraction, a weakness…

Look what happened last time. I was supposed to protect Crash, and yet he died because I was too preoccupied with thoughts of you! ”

“You can’t possibly blame me for that!” I gasped .

“I don’t! I blame myself! Why do you think I’ve been distancing myself from you? Because it’s easier to keep away, to pretend you’re just here for Bee, like planned. I can’t keep doing this. I’m riding a rollercoaster I never bought the fucking ticket for, and I’m sick of it!”

“You bought the fucking ticket when you kidnapped me!”

It was at that moment I knew he wasn’t going to budge an inch.

“I’m just done fighting for something that’s broken beyond repair,” he said, his jaw gritted.

“And I’m trying to tell you that there is something worth fighting for!”

“After all this time, you’re suddenly telling me you want to be here? You’ve made no secret of the fact that you can’t stand the club, and I’m making no secret that I can’t ever leave. What is there to fight for?”

“How about our ba—”

“Just go, Rachel! Jesus fucking Christ! Don’t you think this is hard enough? You win. I'm fucking tired. I need a woman by my side who wants to be there, not because she's staying due to some imaginary, invisible shackles.”

“Dante, you're not listening to me! You know, there's one thing I hate, and that's miscommunication. Yet you're forcing us into one of those relationships!”

“Am I? Or am I finally listening? Ever since I've known you, you've made no secret that you don't want to be here. Even after you accepted being my old lady, you've done nothing but complain you want to leave. There's no miscommunication here. I've finally opened my eyes.”

I almost roared with frustration, and I could feel my temper building. “No, because—”

“Just fucking leave!” He all but roared at me. “I don't want you here anymore than you want to be here!”

“If you can't see how hard I've fucking tried, then maybe you're fucking right! Yes, when I first arrived, I didn’t want to be here.

I was bad tempered, I was mean, and I didn't give you a chance.

I'll hold my hands up and admit that. But you weren't exactly perfect either! But I genuinely thought we had turned a corner recently, and—”

“You thought wrong,” he said quietly. “You've been kidding yourself. You've been forcing yourself to find things you like to stop yourself being miserable. I see that now. This is some fucked up version of Stockholm Syndrome. Go back to the Gellers—”

I cut him off with a harsh laugh, feeling almost hysterical. “The Gellers! Plop me right back in the life you stole me from. Almost as though it's a great reset and we never even existed. How fucking perfect!” I clapped my hands together and held them against my chest.

“Rachel…” he sighed, shaking his head, and that’s when my temper finally spilled over.

“Do you know what? You're right,” I snapped, throwing my head back and staring him right in the eyes.

“I'm not happy here. I never have been. I was fooling myself that a decent sex life could make me happy.

But the truth is, I despise you, your stupid club, and all the insane rules you follow.

There's nothing here, other than that little girl, that has, or ever will, make me happy. I was pretending here, just like I was pretending with Alex. Just like I was pretending with the Gellers.”

I was hurt, and so I did the only thing I knew how to do.

I lashed out. I wanted him to hurt as much as I was.

“You have nothing to offer a woman other than some pathetic ‘protection’ from a shit club filled with outcasts. That’s the reason you all band together, because you know if you were to go out in the real world, no one would fucking want you!

You’ve made your own society, because the civilised world doesn’t fucking want you! ”

“And they want you, do they?” he snarled at me.

“I made a pretty good job of it before I had to fake every fucking smile in this place.”

“Someone give the budding actress an award. She knows how to fake a bastard smile.”