Page 16 of Save You (Maxton Hall #2)

James

Lydia is sitting on her bed fidgeting about with the pillow in her lap. I’m trying for the hundredth time to sneak an unobtrusive look at her belly. After half an hour walking up and down in my bedroom, trying to get my pulse under control, I’m now slumped on one of the sofas in hers.

I’m trying to find the right words, but my thoughts are whirling, so messed up that I can’t even get one sentence out.

How?

How the hell are we meant to look after a baby?

How can we keep it a secret from Dad?

How can you take a baby with you to Oxford?

“I didn’t want you to find out this way.”

I look up. There’s no mistaking how tense Lydia is. Her cheeks are flushed; her shoulders are stiff as a board.

“I…I don’t know what to say.”

I feel so utterly stupid. At the same time, I’m realizing how egoistic I’ve been in the last few weeks.

I’ve spent the whole time bemoaning my own fate, my loss, my guilty conscience, my broken heart, when the whole time, my sister knew that she was pregnant and thought she couldn’t tell me.

Of course there are things we keep from each other, but not something like this.

Not a thing this huge and life-changing.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Lydia whispers.

I shake my head. “I’m sor—”

“No,” she interrupts. “I don’t want sympathy, James. Not from you.”

I dig my fingers into the armrest to stop myself from jumping up again and marching around the room. The fabric crunches under my unyielding grip.

The chasm that opened between Lydia and me when I hurled those unforgivable words at her feels unbridgeable. I’m not sure what I can ask her and what I can’t. Plus, I know absolutely nothing about pregnancy.

I shut my eyes and rub my hands over my face. My limbs feel tired, like I’ve aged from eighteen to eighty in a few hours.

In the end I clear my throat. “How did you find out?”

Lydia looks up in surprise. She hesitates for a moment, then starts to tell me.

“My…uh…cycle is never very regular anyway, so at first, I didn’t think anything of it when my period was late.

But after a while, I got suspicious because I was feeling really weird too.

In general.” She shrugs. “So I bought a test. When we were in London. I did it in a restaurant loo and nearly fainted when it was positive.”

I look at her, shaking my head. “When was that?”

“In November.”

I gulp hard. Two months ago. Lydia’s been keeping this secret for two months, probably shit-scared, and feeling totally alone. The news has really knocked me for six, so how must she have been feeling all these weeks? On top of everything else that’s happened.

Suddenly, the thing I want most in the world is to overcome the distance between us. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.”

“I…I’ve never felt so alone. Not even after the business with Gregg. I never thought that being with Graham could ever be worse than that.”

“Does he know?” I ask cautiously.

“No.”

Lydia is clearly trying not to break down, but I can see how hopeless she feels.

She must have spent the last two months constantly pulling herself together, constantly focused on keeping her secret and never showing anyone her real feelings.

I hate myself for having left her in the lurch like this. All I’ve thought about has been myself.

That’s over now. I have no idea what lies ahead of Lydia in the next few months. But at this second, I’m one hundred percent clear that she’s not going through them alone.

I take a deep breath and stand up.

As I sit next to her on the bed, I push everything aside—the grief, the pain, the rage I’ve been feeling. Cautiously, I reach for her hand.

“You’re not alone,” I assure her.

Lydia swallows hard. “You’re just saying that. But the next time you lose your temper, all you’re going to do is yell unkind words at me again.” Tears run down her cheeks and her body shakes as she suppresses a sob with all her strength. Seeing her like this is killing me.

“I really mean it, Lydia. I’ll be there for you.” I take a deep breath. “The person I was after Dad told us what had happened—that’s not me. I don’t want to be that guy. It was just…It was too much for me. I wasn’t strong enough, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re squishing my hand,” Lydia murmurs.

For a moment, I’m confused, but as I follow Lydia’s gaze, I catch on and let go. “I’m sorry for that too.” I smile apologetically at her.

“Oh, James.” Suddenly Lydia leans into me and rests her head on my shoulder. I breathe out. “What you said really hurt me.”

I gently stroke the back of her head.

We used to sit like this often. When we were five, Lydia would climb into my bed if there was a thunderstorm, and when we were ten it would be because Dad had screamed at us over grades that weren’t good enough.

Even at fifteen, after the Gregg thing, she knocked on my door some nights and then lay down in my bed next to me without a word.

I always used to stroke her hair and tell her that everything was going to be fine, even if I was never convinced of that myself.

I wonder if she’s remembering those times too, or if that’s a part of our past that she’s repressed. Repression is one thing we Beauforts are pretty good at.

“What I said wasn’t true. You’re the most important person in my life, Lydia.”

Beside me, Lydia freezes, and with every second that she doesn’t react, I feel more and more exposed.

I’m desperately searching for something I could add to lighten the mood but can’t think of a thing.

So instead, I decide to ask one of the questions that have been buzzing around inside my head for more than an hour.

“Have you been to the doctor? I have no idea how it all works. Is everything OK? What are those vitamins for—do they mean you’re short of something, or what?”

I notice the tension gradually easing from Lydia’s body. She takes a deep breath and then turns her head to look at me from the side. I return her gaze. In the moment that a slight smile starts to spread over her lips, I know that we’ve made it. The gulf between us has been bridged.

“I got the vitamins straight after the first checkup—nearly everyone takes them to start off with. And last time, everything was totally fine.” She pauses. “Except, there was one tiny surprise.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Another one?”

“It’s twins.”

I stare at Lydia in disbelief. “You’re kidding me.”

She shakes her head and pulls out her phone.

She opens the gallery and shows me a photo where you can see the pale outline of a tiny body against a dark background.

Then she pulls up the next picture. It actually looks exactly the same—except that you can clearly see a second outline next to the first.

Something skips in my stomach and I suddenly feel really weird. At the same time, I laugh with disbelief. “That’s too crazy to be true.”

Lydia grins. “I couldn’t help laughing at first either, because I couldn’t believe it. Well, saying that…I actually laughed and cried at the same time. Ruby must have thought I was having a nervous breakdown.”

At the sound of Ruby’s name, I automatically straighten up a little. “Ruby was with you at the appointment?”

Lydia avoids my eyes, studying the phone in her hand intently. “Yes. She’s known for a little while.”

I rub my hand over my chin. My throat suddenly feels dry.

“I asked her not to tell anybody. Please don’t be pissed off with her.”

I can only shake my head. Then I sink back and cross my arms over my face.

Ruby knew.

Ruby was there for my sister. After everything I did to her, she didn’t leave Lydia in the lurch. Unlike me.

I can’t breathe.

“James?” whispers Lydia.

My arms are shaking, but I can’t lower them. I’m so ashamed. Of everything. All the mistakes I’ve made as a boyfriend and a brother fall on me like a ton of bricks, until I can hardly bear it.

My sister pulls my arms away and looks at me in concern. Understanding spreads over her face. After a while, she drops down beside me and together, we stare up at the chandelier in the middle of her room.

“Lydia,” I whisper into the silence. “I’ve fucked up.”

Lydia

I’ve never seen my brother like this before.

I knew that the break with Ruby had affected him, but I had no idea how badly he was hurting.

Now that he’s dropped the mask, I can see the shame in his eyes, as well as the deep sorrow and pain that it’s caused him. It’s the first time he’s openly showed me how he’s doing inside.

I feel a desperate longing to do something for him and Ruby. Because it’s clear that they both have feelings for each other and that they’re both miserable.

“Why didn’t you do anything to show her how sorry you are?” I ask cautiously, after a while.

James turns his head to me. “I tried to apologize to her,” he says, his voice shaky. “She said she couldn’t.”

For a moment, neither of us speaks.

“I can understand that,” I begin eventually, which makes James flinch, barely perceptibly. “But then again…I don’t know. I just so wish you two would get it together.”

“Ruby doesn’t want that, and I have to respect her wishes.” He sounds so resigned as he says those words that I suddenly feel an urge to shake him.

“Since when have you been the type to give up, just like that?”

James snorts.

“What?”

“I didn’t give up, just like that . I’m thinking about her all the time, and I’m pretty damn sure I’ll never have feelings for anyone else. But if she doesn’t want me, then…”

I grab one of the sketchbooks off my bedside table and whack James over the head with it.

He sits up with a jolt. “Ow, what the…?”

I sit up too, ignoring the black dots dancing before my eyes. “You have to show her, James! Show her how important she is to you and how much you regret it.”

“You didn’t see the way she looked at me on New Year’s Eve. Or hear what she said…” He shakes his head. “She’s determined to begin this year without me—I can’t go bothering her with what I feel for her. In her opinion, we have nothing in common and it would never have worked out.”

“I’m not telling you to go and shower her with declarations of love. But until she knows how sorry you are for what you did, she won’t be able to forgive you.”

I see the cogs starting to turn in his mind and add another thought. “You have to show her. Not just with words. With actions. If she says you’ve got nothing in common, convince her that that isn’t true.”

He gulps and breathes out heavily. He’s fighting a battle with himself; I can see that.

I remember the drive back from Oxford together.

The morning before everything changed. James looked so happy.

And he was exuding an inner peace that I’d never seen in him before.

Like it was the first time he was at one with himself.

Like the invisible burden he always carries had disappeared. I want him to get back to that.

Even so, there’s one extra thing he needs to know. “James,” I say, waiting patiently for him to look at me. “If you kiss anyone else who isn’t Ruby ever again, I will personally cut out your tongue.”

James blinks in surprise. Then he slowly shakes his head. “I don’t know how I never clocked that you’re spending a lot of time with Ruby these days.”

I’m tempted to laugh but I restrain myself. “I meant what I said. I really would love it if you two got it together again.”

James exhales audibly. “I want that too. More than anything.”

“Then bloody well fight for her.”

He doesn’t say a word for some time, just stares at the ceiling with a strangely engrossed expression. I wish I could read his mind and see what he’s thinking right now.

“I’m going to,” he says quietly, in the end.

I put a hand on his shoulder and give it a quick squeeze. “Good.”

One corner of his mouth twitches up slightly. It’s such a minimal movement that probably no one else would even have noticed it.

“But first, I need a plan.”