Page 14 of Save You (Maxton Hall #2)

“Oh, how pretty,” I say as Lin passes round the little notebooks. They’re very plain with black covers and accents picked out in gold, speckled creamy-white pages, and two ribbon bookmarks—just what I like best.

“This is going to be my first bullet journal,” says Lydia, staring at the notebook and then looking at us in slight confusion. “What do I have to do?”

Ember piles up our plates and puts them to one side, then she puts her laptop in the middle of the coffee table so that we can all see the screen.

“It’s really simple,” she says. “Every New Year’s Eve, we write down our resolutions.

” She opens her book and points to the first page.

“And before that, we have to decide on a heading.”

Together, we search the internet for fonts we like and try to copy them, or to be inspired by them. For the most part, we work in silence, the only sounds being our pens on the paper and the soft background music.

But as I focus on the last details of my heading and circle the date of the coming year in a pale gray, I suddenly feel heavyhearted again. By this time next year, everything will have changed.

In seven months from now, I’ll do my A levels. And—hopefully—I’ll pass. And after that I’ll leave Maxton Hall College and—hopefully—be at St. Hilda’s. I’ll have new teachers and new classmates. I’ll have a new room in college and new surroundings and new friends.

An exciting new life.

A life without James Beaufort.

The idea takes me by surprise and hurts more than I’d have thought possible, but I try to push it away. I grab a pen and start writing:

Resolutions:

Get A level grades I need

Oxford

Keep in touch with Mum, Dad, and Ember

Make at least one new friend

Stop worrying so much about what other people might think of me

But as I make a note of each point in turn, I realize that it doesn’t feel right. This list isn’t honest enough, and if I really listen to my heart, I know why.

In the last year, I fell in love for the first time—and my heart was broken in the cruelest way. I can’t just erase that fact. I’m going to need quite a while to work through it. Because heartache doesn’t stop just because we’ve rung in a new year.

Until now, I haven’t wanted to see James.

I’d hoped that eventually, I’d start to forget him.

But now I realize that I can’t write my resolutions while things are still up in the air between us.

There’s way too much that I want to say to him.

And I don’t think I’ll be able to start the new year without doing that.

I won’t be able to start again while James is still taking up so much space in my thoughts, my feelings, and my life.

“Ruby?” I hear Lin’s voice as if from a great distance.

I look at her and make a decision.

But before I put it into action, I’m going to party with my friends.

James

Normally, New Year’s Eve with my friends is legendary. In the past, we’ve rented a lakeside villa or thrown parties in London that are booked up months in advance. We’ve kept drinking into the small hours and forgotten everything around us.

This year, I spend New Year’s Eve at home alone.

Where’s Dad? Not a clue. The staff have the night off and Lydia’s out with a friend. She didn’t tell me who. Since our fight a couple of days ago, she’s been ignoring me, only speaking to me when she has to.

Wren tried to talk me into going away with him and the lads this year too, but I couldn’t get my arse into gear.

Just the thought of being stuck in some London club with all the deafening music and champagne makes my hair stand on end.

I can’t keep on acting like the old days.

Not after my life has turned one-eighty in the last three months.

Not when nothing inside me looks the same anymore.

I spend the evening watching wildlife documentaries about the Kenyan savannah on my laptop and eating takeaway kebab and chips out of cardboard boxes. Sometimes I succeed in taking my mind off things for five minutes straight. But most of the time, I’m thinking about Ruby.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve realized to my frustration that we didn’t collect enough shared memoires.

There are no photos of us, nothing to remind me of what we experienced together.

All I have left is the bag I had made for her birthday.

It’s still standing there beside my desk, mocking me day in, day out.

I can’t count the times I’ve picked it up and looked inside, just in case Ruby left anything in it.

A note, or anything to hint that she really used it and liked it.

I feel as though my memories are slowly starting to fade.

The sensation of Ruby’s skin on mine, our voices, her laugh.

Everything is growing mistier and less tangible, even the day she was here, consoling me.

The only thing that I can still see clearly, that still replays over and over again in my head, is the expression on her face when she saw me with Elaine.

I’ll never forget that. And I’ll never forget what it did to me—even through the haze of alcohol and drugs. At that moment, and every day since.

My original plan was to sleep through into the new year, but it’s after one now and I’m wider awake than ever. On the spur of the moment, I decide to go down to the fitness room. Maybe an hour on the treadmill will not only tire out my body but also get my head to shut up.

I put on my shorts and T-shirt, pull on my running shoes, and grab my iPhone, which has been sitting, ignored, on my bedside table since this afternoon.

My headphones are still plugged in and, as usual, I have to untangle them first. I’m about to put them on when I hear someone walking down the landing.

Presumably Lydia’s back.

I open the door to wish her a happy new year—and freeze.

My sister is not alone there.

I rub my eyes because I think I’m dreaming. But no. After I’ve lowered my hand again, I can still see two people.

Ruby is standing on our landing.

There’s a dark blue bundle jammed under her arm. It doesn’t take me much thought to work out what it is. It’s my jumper. The one I put on her after Cyril’s party. The one I didn’t mind missing from my wardrobe because I liked the idea that Ruby had it.

Ruby is saying something quietly to my sister, who nods. Lydia glances briefly at me, but looks away again at once, then vanishes into her room. Good to know that I’ve pissed my sister off so thoroughly that she can’t even bring herself to wish me a happy new year.

“Can we talk?” Ruby asks.

I swallow hard. I haven’t seen her, or heard her voice, for so long, and now she’s standing only a few feet away.

Being this close to her is making my heart beat like wild; I long to cross the gap between us and take her in my arms. But I just nod, turn, and walk back into my room.

Ruby follows me hesitantly. I click the light on and sigh.

It’s definitely looked better in here. My checked pajama trousers that I just took off are lying in the middle of the floor, there are magazines everywhere, and the bed is unmade and probably stinks of greasy takeaways.

And to top it all off, Ruby’s bag is standing in plain sight on my desk.

Ruby looks around, her expression indecisive. In the end, she sits on the smaller of the two sofas. My hoodie is in her lap.

Why the hell does my room suddenly feel so warm? I feel in urgent need of a glass of water.

“Do you want anything to drink?” I ask.

“No, thank you.”

I pour myself some water but as I lift the glass, I notice that my hand is shaking. So I put it down on the desk and look at Ruby instead.

She says nothing.

After a minute or two, I make a desperate attempt to break the silence between us. “Have you had a good evening?”

Ruby contracts her eyebrows. “Yes,” she says.

That’s all.

I’ve never found it harder to know the right thing to say than I do in this second.

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to put a coherent sentence together.

After I’ve spent so long thinking about everything I want to say to Ruby, there’s now a black hole in my head, getting bigger with every moment we spend sitting opposite each other in silence.

All I can do is look at her. I’m overwhelmed by the longing to sit next to her.

But I resist it and pull my desk chair over to the sofa so that I can sit opposite her and we can see each other.

“We were writing our resolutions earlier,” she says eventually.

I wait for her to go on.

“And I realized that there is still so much that hasn’t been resolved between us. I can’t feel good about going into the new year like this.”

My pulse starts racing. I definitely wasn’t prepared for that. I clear my throat. “OK.”

Ruby lowers her gaze to the jumper in her lap. She strokes the soft fabric absentmindedly. Then she takes it in her hand and lays it on the little round table between us.

She looks up and our eyes meet. I can make out all kinds of emotions in her face: Sorrow. Pain. And, last but not least, a spark of anger that grows bigger the longer her eyes rest on me.

“I’m just so disappointed in you, James,” she whispers suddenly.

My chest clenches painfully. “I know,” I whisper back.

She shakes her head. “No. You don’t know what that felt like. You bloody ripped my heart out. And I hate you for that.”

“I know,” I repeat, my voice husky.

Ruby takes a deep breath. “But I love you too, and that’s making the whole thing way harder.”

“I…” It takes a few seconds before I realize what she just said. I stare speechlessly at her.

But Ruby’s still talking, as though her words hadn’t meant a thing. “I don’t think it would ever have worked out between us. It was nice, even though we only had such a short time together, but now I have to—”

“You love me?” I whisper back.

Ruby jumps. Then she sits bolt upright. “That doesn’t change anything. The way you treated me…You kissed another girl, the day after we slept together.”

“I’m so sorry, Ruby,” I say insistently, even though I know my words aren’t enough.

“And it doesn’t change my resolution to start the coming year without you,” Ruby continues.

The pain her words cause me takes my breath right away. I know Ruby. Once she’s set herself a goal, she pursues it and won’t let anyone steer her off course. She’s here to finish things with me.

“That’ll never…I’d never do anything like that again,” I gasp breathlessly.

“I very much hope so, for your next girlfriend’s sake.”

I sense panic rising within me. “There won’t be another, for God’s sake!”

She just shakes her head. “It would never have worked out, James. Let’s be honest.”

“Why would you say that?” My voice is shaking with despair. “Of course it would.”

Ruby stands up and strokes her hands down her checked skirt a few times.

“I have to go home; my parents will be waiting.” She goes to the door, and the knowledge that I can’t stop her is almost killing me.

I stare at her, unable to move. The moment feels like a final goodbye, and I’m not ready for that.

“I need a clean ending. Can you understand that?” she asks, looking back over her shoulder, her hand on the door handle.

I nod, though every part of my body is screaming the exact opposite. “Yes, I understand that.”

Ruby has given me so many chances already. I know I have no right to another.

“I…Happy New Year, James.” The pain that’s paralyzing my body is reflected in Ruby’s eyes.

“Ruby, please…” I force the words out.

But she opens the door and leaves.