Page 18 of Safety Net (Mendell Hawks #3)

When she heard about how our last season ended, she became the embodiment of fury.

She even went as far as to threaten to sue the school for damages.

Being well-acquainted with lawsuits, she had a decent chance of making some noise.

But that fire was doused when her lawyers explained how long it'd take and how the outcome would most likely end in a settlement outside of court.

And by that time, the world would have moved on.

The damage wouldn't be undone. The school's declining reputation was as damaging as any lawsuit that could be brought against it.

"Anthony is the best," Henrik said.

"But…?" Grandma asked.

"But I don't know if he's the right choice. At least, not now. It's a lot of work on top of summer classes."

"Lincoln's enrolled in summer classes?"

Henrik looked at me.

"Oh, now, I finally get a chance to speak?" I asked, only half-teasing.

"The floor is yours," Henrik said. "For now."

I scoffed and picked up his phone to claim a monopoly on the microphone. "Look, Henrik's scared because I'm dealing with a minor injury. Anthony's a hardass; he won't give me a break. But I'm handling it and the classes. I know how to handle everything."

My impending academic probation and failing performance on the ice swirled in my brain, taunting me.

Knowing how to handle everything was what she needed to hear, though.

Guilt pinched at my stomach, yet I remained unmovable.

I couldn't have her learn all her efforts in giving me the life I have had been a waste because of something as trivial as my lack of focus.

I had no leg to stand on in terms of excuses.

Finn had struggled with a brain injury and had still managed to get better on and off the ice.

Sam had been weighed down with the burden of leading the team, with the odds stacked against him.

Henrik was ostracized from his (so-called) family because of his sexuality.

And though he pretended not to be bothered by their lack of acceptance, I could see it gnawing at him every holiday he spent at home with us.

They had valid reasons to waver, to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and want to take detours to escape the pain.

"Is it working? The practice?" she asked. "Does it make you more confident for next season?"

I hesitate for a second. Finn and Henrik watched me closely.

I'm tempted to use this opportunity to confess.

We're just missing Sam and Naomi. If I told these guys the truth, they'd pass the information along, so I wouldn't have to repeat it if I didn't want to.

Maybe my academic probation wasn't as bad as I'd built it up to be.

Perhaps it wasn't the cry for help Henrik would make it out to be.

I'd made a few questionable choices. Went to a few too many parties.

And skipped a few lectures too many. Typical.

Common even. I was so common that I bored myself to death.

I was a stereotypical jock who couldn't hunker down long enough to make something of himself.

"The practice is working." I set the phone down so I would have my hands free to fidget with the paper on the table. Before I could continue, Grandma jumped in.

"Good, then focus on that," she said. "I don't know why you're taking summer classes. You get good grades, and you don't need to graduate early. You should drop them and pick them up in the fall."

Henrik nodded in agreement. Finn watched me for a reaction.

My throat went dry. I'd kept quiet about my grades since my sophomore year, when things began going downhill.

Flunking two classes and barely passing the others for two semesters was enough incentive to keep my mouth shut.

I got by with simple throwaway comments about getting Bs on exams. Or Cs on papers.

Nothing too fancy or absurd enough to warrant a closer look.

Because we were all adults here, it was much easier to keep your spiraling under wraps when you were an adult.

"I want to take the classes," I said.

"You want to take classes," Grandma repeated. "In the summer? My Lincoln wants to take classes in the summer."

"Oh, come on," I said, taking on a lighter tone. "You know I love education. I can't get enough of it. And something about Mendell just makes me want to learn about everything. I'm hungry for knowledge."

Finn chuckled at Henrik's scoff of disbelief.

Grandma's quiet for a moment. She had to rely on Henrik's intuition. And she did as much by simply asking, "Henrik?"

Henrik looked at me. I knew I wouldn't win this battle, so I appealed to his soft spot for me.

"Come on," I mouthed. I softened my expression and gave him a shrug. It's enough to get him to at least back off while on the phone with her.

"He's really into this volunteer course," Henrik said with a sigh because he hated lying. He'd trained himself out of doing so years ago; now, he only took part in lies when he deemed them part of the greater good. He gave me a look that said he'd expected a hearty excuse for pulling back.

"Volunteering?" Grandma laughed. "Maybe a summer session is what you needed."

She and Henrik talked a bit longer before she ended the call with her typical invite to stay with her whenever we were free on the weekend.

"Things are getting hectic around here," I said.

"We'll be there next weekend," Henrik said simultaneously.

I glared at him when we hung up.

"What?" he asked. "I miss home. And Grandma. And none of us is getting any younger."

I looked to Finn for help, but he offered, "I would like to see her. I want to get to know her again. She seemed like she liked me before."

"She liked you a lot," Henrik assured.

"More than me," I grumbled as I opened my phone to take note of all the assignments I had due this week.

My calendar was bloated with obligations between classes, Anthony, and the musical.

I highlighted everything I had to do with Celeste in pink and marked them as a high priority.

Seeing her in my calendar provided a sense of ease.

If only I could find a way to spend a little time with her every day.

Even if it was only for a few seconds. What I'd give for a second of her time.

"And still likes you," Henrik said.

I glanced up in time to see a rare smile from Finn. "I'm happy to hear it."

"Lucky you," I mused. "Because I'm unhappy about being railroaded into sharing all my business."

Henrik sighed. "Okay, first of all, it's your grandma."

"I don't see how that changes the fact of something being my business."

"I needed backup. You're all over the place. Messing around during practice. Taking on a sixteen-credit course load during your favorite time of year and then…this. It's all our business if you're going to mess around before the biggest year of your life, Lincoln."

He gestured to my art.

"Hey, this is a fucking masterpiece." I reached over, gathering my paper up in a messy pile. "It's not messing around. It's Celeste's life's work."

"She's twenty years old," Henrik said.

"You can be a twenty-year-old and have a life's work," I argued.

"Fine." Henrik shrugged. "But if that's true, then what's going on with your life's work? Why are you half-assing it in the mornings and staying up hours to do this?"

"It's obvious why," Finn said softly.

Henrik shook his head. "I don't believe it's all for a crush...Jesus, Lincoln, you're over-extending yourself for a crush?"

"I can make decisions without my heart and dick, thank you very much," I told them. "And you two are not the ones to cast stones. Mr. Panic Over a Doorknob. And Mr. Dear Eden."

Finn covered his mouth, chuckling, while Henrik remained unamused and on my ass.

"I'm all for your head over heels interest," Henrik said.

"I am. But I'm more for you not getting in your own way and working toward your goal.

Your dream. You told us you didn't know what to do after college, and now you're spending all your time working on someone else's goal.

I'm sorry for roping in Grandma, but Lincoln, it's the only thing I can think of to trigger you to admit what's happening. "

"Nothing's happening—" I tried.

"Could you just be honest for once?" Henrik asked. "At least with us. It's us, Lincoln."

"I am," I snapped. "What the hell do you want me to say?"

"That you don't want to play hockey," he said.

"That you spent all high school and college following our dreams. Our footsteps.

And now that the rudder is gone and the rest of the boat is splitting apart, you're looking for a replacement.

You're looking for another guide. You can't decide without someone else leading the way. "

I scoffed and looked everywhere but at them. "You think you've got everyone figured out."

"Maybe not everyone, but I've figured you out, which is why it's hard not to want to jump in and save you every practice. But I will do it. I will do it if you look at me and tell me hockey is what you want. We will fix whatever is going on if you want hockey."

"Of course, it's what I want." But I didn't look at him. I couldn’t. My gaze remained on the marble countertop, tracing the cloudy shapes and wishing this were an easier conversation. Wishing I believed in myself enough to feel worthy of wanting anything, including hockey.

Henrik stared at me momentarily before shaking his head and getting up. "Fine, Lincoln. Have it your way."

He left the room. It was just Finn and me. The silence lingered until Finn cleared his throat and said, "Would you want to tell me? I wouldn't tell anyone."

I met his gaze and offered him a small smile. "I know."

"So?"

"So…" I shook my head and wiped my hands over my face. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing and…"

"It's okay." Finn nodded, patiently willing to wait all day for me to get this off my chest.

It was easier to talk to him. My friend didn't remember who I was. Who I said I wanted to become all those years ago. Finn didn't compare the past to the present. He was free to live without echoes of expectation.

"I'm not sure what's going to happen to me," I said. "After this year. I could go back home, but the thought of that makes me so sick I can barely breathe."

"But your grandma…she sounded like she'd love that," he said. "To have you home."

"She would." I nodded. "And I'd be okay for a while.

But if I go back there, I know how my life will turn out.

I know I'll let her convince me to work with her.

It won't be horrible, but it wouldn't be mine, you know?

I want something to be mine. Something that will stay.

I thought that something was hockey, but… "

There was a clock on how long I'd have until the last time I was on the ice.

"I guess I've realized I'm alone," I said.

"And I know you all will say I'm not, but…

let's be honest, this is what life is. Families split apart.

They find their way back to each other occasionally, but I will be away from everyone most of the time.

Because of that, I wanted something of my own.

I thought it'd be us, but that was wishful thinking. "

I tried to laugh because it all sounded childish out loud.

I don't like the mushy layer of sentimentality that coated my every word.

Being an emotional person wasn't something I avoided, but this was a whole different level of feeling.

I wanted to put it somewhere I'll never have to interact with it again.

Finn didn't take his time like he usually did in conversation.

He quickly said, "You're right; you're on your own.

But I don't think it's as negative as you view it.

It's not as lonely. I know you well enough to believe you will find something that feels like home.

I know you enough to say don't discount the home you've already made with us.

You're so focused on saying goodbye. Lincoln, we're right here.

When the time comes to move on from Mendell, we'll still be right here.

Families don't split; they explore. Then they return and share everything they've found in the world. "

I studied my quiet, kind friend. "You know, you would have clowned me a couple of years ago for being this upset."

"I was an asshole then." Finn smiled and then tapped his finger on one of my drawings. "Look, I can't do half the shit you invented. But I can do this."

The drawing depicted a simple rocking bench adorned with vines and flowers. It was where Celeste's main characters fell in love.

"And my uncle can work on a few realistic modifications for the rest."

"You got yourself a deal," I said with a smile and held my hand for him to shake. "Welcome aboard. Honored to have you on our crew."

Finn accepted my handshake. "Honored to be here."