Page 45 of Safe (King’s Heart #1)
Grant
An intense wave of homesickness crashes into me as soon as he slams the door closed. Or that’s what I think it is, anyway.
I’ve never really had a place that made me feel like that. A place I actually missed and felt a part of.
A place that comforted me.
Landon is the only thing that has given me that.
And now he’s gone.
“Why did you do that?”
I turn my head away from the door to look at Trevor’s panicked expression, his hands held out in front of him.
A grunt is all I can muster for him as I fall onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling.
“You lied.” His voice is steadily rising in alarm and volume. It gives me pause to see him acting like this. Trevor is usually very pliant—doing whatever I want him to do.
“I didn’t lie,” I answer woodenly.
“Yes, you did.” He’s practically hyperventilating now, no longer looking at me as he continues his rant. “You asked me to come over so you could borrow my chem notes. Then you told me to mess up my hair and made me sit here until he came in. He thinks we had sex!”
“I didn’t lie. I just didn’t correct him.”
He stands, pacing as he glares in my direction. “Everyone knows that’s basically the same thing! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?”
That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it?
It’s somewhat a two part answer.
First, he got too close to the truth. He was going to find out—I always knew that. The moment I laid my eyes on his beautifully shocked expression in the locker room on the first day of school, I knew it was inevitable. Which is why I originally needed him gone.
Somewhere along the way, I lost the thread. Quickly getting drawn into him. His essence. All the things about him that make life better.
But not anymore.
I meant what I said. I do love him. Desperately.
My insides crumbled watching the hurt burn in his eyes. He was gutted . And I put that there.
And second, this ensures that he won’t be tainted by what’s coming next. I’m not even quite sure what that will be. Something bad. Something that I won’t let affect him.
“It just needed to happen,” I finally say.
“Ugh.” He pulls at his hair, then abruptly turns to me, raising his hands in the air and letting them fall against his thighs with a smack. “I’ll just—I’ll just tell him the truth. Everyone can tell how fucking gone he is for you. I can definitely see it. I would never do that.”
“You won’t fucking tell him.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and raises his chin at me. “Yes, I will.”
I sigh heavily, turning my face to the ceiling again and bringing my hands up to rub at my eyes. I’m so mentally exhausted. I need to crawl into my hole and metaphorically die now.
“You’ll just hurt him more,” I mutter quietly.
That makes him shut up. He doesn’t say anything else to me, and I don’t look at him anymore—just wait for the sounds of his quiet steps exiting the dorm.
I look over at the empty bed on the other side of the room. A deep ache spreads in my chest, starting very small, right in the center, and bleeding out until it feels like my ribcage is trying to strangle my heart.
I pull out the memory of him saying he loved me. The one that I said I’d need. But it doesn’t help. It might be making it worse.
I can’t take my eyes away from his bed, even after the tears start sliding sideways out of my eyes, creating a damp spot on my pillow.
It taunts me, reminding me that he won’t ever come back here. And it’s really for the best. He shouldn’t. But I will grieve anyway. I don’t know for how long. Probably forever.
I finally decide to do the pathetic thing, slinking out of my bed to curl up in his.
I press my wet face into his pillow, inhaling his scent like a strung-out addict. I couldn’t even say what it smells like. Just him. Good. Happy.
Pretty soon, it gets more pathetic. I pretend like I’m smelling his scent because he’s here. Right next to me. I pretend that he’s holding me, kissing me, and telling me he’ll help me get through all this. I pretend that nothing bad is about to happen.
I pretend that he’s still mine.
All those lies are what end up lulling me to sleep.