Page 23 of Saddle Studs (Rainbow Ranch #3)

BENNY

I don’t want you to touch me right now.

Those words had cut their shape into my skin. The scars of it were sore, still fresh.

He may as well have pushed me. That would have really driven his point home.

The sun was relentless today. It stung at the back of my neck, my cowboy hat having trouble shielding it. I considered confronting him before breakfast today but decided to just let it be. He was a grown man—he could talk to me or choose to run away.

When I overheard the zippers of a bag and the shuffling of clothes, I knew Sam had made his decision. But seeing him come out of the house that really made it feel real.

I spotted Sam rolling out his suitcase as I was brushing Juniper’s mane.

He was far off in the distance, but I felt like I could make out every little detail, from the scuff on his white sneakers to the freckle on his wrist to the expression of regret and sadness twisting his features.

It was the same set of emotions that burned into me like a sizzling hot brand.

I winced, trying to stop the unwanted tears before they escaped.

No use.

It was happening again. Sam was going to run. He was going to leave me behind. At least this time I hadn’t fallen hard on my ass. Could that be considered growth?

Everything was going so well. Why, Sam? Why not just give in?

My heart turned into one of those pincushions Ma would use whenever she was sewing.

The fluffy, bright red strawberry covered in dozens of sharp needles.

Every beat pushed the pins in deeper. How could loving someone be this painful?

Because there was no denying it, I loved Sam.

I always loved Sam, and now I’d have to watch Sam leave.

All.

Over.

Again.

Wait… why was Sam coming closer? The pasture was on the other side of the driveway. If he was waiting for a ride, he should be walking the opposite direction.

Shit. Crap. Donkey dick. He was going to see me crying.

I turned away and made myself extremely interested in whatever Dennis seemed to be rooting around for.

Was he coming to say goodbye? Was he trying to make this moment as difficult as possible?

I’d broken in horses from abusive situations that had better sense of what was right and wrong.

Why couldn’t he just vanish into the night and never be heard from again?

Would that make this easier?Probably not.

But then again, what fucking would? If he wanted to leave, then that’s what he had to do.

Go. Just go, Sam.

“Benny…”

His somber voice cut through the air. Sounded like a distant cousin coming up from behind me at my parents’ funeral, wishing to pay respects but not knowing exactly how.

I didn’t turn around. I was sure that my eyes were still glossy from the tears. Juniper must have sensed something was up, because she gave a huff and walked away—but not far, and still kept me in her line of sight. “Weren’t you supposed to be leaving?”

“I am… I was.” A hand on my elbow made me jump. I moved forward and turned around. Sam looked like he’d just touched an oven. He held his hand against his chest as if it were burnt.

“Don’t touch me,” I said in a low voice, my gaze breaking for the ground.

“I don’t want you to touch me right now.

” I parroted the same words he had said to me.

They were empty on my end, but they seemed to have hit hard with Sam.

His big blue eyes opened wide, his lips following the same shape as he tried searching for words.

“That’s not… I didn’t mean… Fuck, Benny.

Fuck.” Sam let go of his suitcase and rubbed his face.

The suitcase tipped over and fell on its side with a heavy thump.

Sam didn’t make a move to pick it up. “I regret ever saying that. I do. I was wrong. I’d always been wrong.

Pushing you away was wrong . And I’ve known the right answer all this time, I just refused to see it.

I was too scared because then it’d mean I have to accept a part of myself that used to scare me. ”

I crossed my arms, absorbing every word he said, even though a veil of shock was making it a little difficult. He was speaking in the past tense. As if he’d changed his mind about us. Could that really be the case? This wasn’t some messed up joke, or a sick fever dream?

I decided to test it. “What did we do for my thirteenth birthday?”

Sam paused, cocked his head. Ha. If he didn’t know the answer, then I’d have to assume this was either a dream— or reality had been by some kind of romance-loving alien that took over Sam’s body.

“We had our first solo camping trip. Felt like adults until I saw a massive, hairy-ass spider in my sleeping bag and refused to stay.”

“Good thing the walk back to the ranch was only five minutes.”

“Then we were in the living room having leftover cake and watching South Park on a low volume so your parents wouldn’t hear.”

I laughed at that warm memory. “You know, it’s the small spiders you should worry about, right? Their venom has to be strong to kill the bigger prey.”

“Yeah, well… spiders big enough to hold guns also scare the shit out of me.”

That got a deep belly laugh from me, which surprised me. I hadn’t expected this goodbye to turn into a laugh-fest.

Sam cocked his head. “Why are you asking about your thirteenth birthday?”

“Because you sound like an android. Wanted to make sure you were really you.”

Sam narrowed his eyes. It was his turn to laugh. “You’ve been watching too many sci-fi shows. I’m definitely real. And everything I’m saying, everything I’m feeling, that’s also real.”

“What are you feeling?” I ventured, still unsure of where this conversation was truly headed. I felt like I was wrangling cattle, my lasso circling above my head as I lined up my throw.

“I’m feeling regret for treating you the way I had. Sad that I’ve been living only a half-truth. Upset that I wasted so much time being scared and running away when all I needed to do was come back home to be happy.” He reached for my hand. I didn’t move away this time. “So that I could do this.”

And before I could even realize what was happening, Sam’s lips were on mine.

The suddenness—the rawness—of the kiss made it messy, my hat falling off my head.

I stepped back for balance before I leaned in.

I grabbed Sam’s hips as our tongues swirled.

So many questions swirled with them, but I ignored that.

Sam had initiated this kiss. He had wanted it, same way I wanted it.

My body was a firework, one of those you only see at Disney World.

Massive, multi-colored, magical. The explosions sizzled through me, the ground underneath my feet disappearing as we floated up toward the cloudless night sky.

We broke for air. The moment was heavy, silent.

Sam rested his forehead against mine. His eyes were shut, his lips shining.

“I’m sorry,” Sam said. “For everything. I was going to leave today. I had a ride coming to pick me up, but I cancelled it. I don’t want to run anymore.

I want you. And I don’t care who knows it.

I want to hold your hand at dinner, want to kiss you goodnight, want to skinny dip with you in the creek.

I want to take you to the city, want you to take me to a race. I want to do it all with you.”

How could this not be a dream? This was too perfect. It was a moment I’d wanted ever since I’d fallen in love with Sam all those years ago. Except it had always felt like a fantasy I needed to let go of. Far too good to ever become true.

“I found this letter,” Sam said, reaching into his pocket, one hand still holding mine. “It’s from Frankie.”

He handed the folded paper to me. “Can I read it?”

Sam nodded, his eyes focused on my lips. There was a glow behind them that I don’t remember being there before. I unfolded the letter and read it. My jaw dropped once I reached the end.

“It was all fake?”

“Leave it to Frankie.”

I shook my head. The only thing I could do was laugh. “Leave it to Frankie.” I could hardly believe it. This had all been orchestrated from beyond the grave, by someone who had seen the real truth of who Sam was, and wanted Sam to see it too before it was too late.

“It’s something I was realizing over time, but his letter really kinda pushed me over the edge.

I’m bi, Benny. I was happy with the women I was with, I find the female form beautiful and attractive.

I also find men equally as attractive. You also showed me that the physical chemistry is there, and it’s powerful.

Beyond that, though, I can see myself with a man. I can see myself with you, Benny.”

I blinked through the haze of shock. Sam had done it. He’d finally come out of the closet. The internalized fear and anger he harbored for himself was nowhere to be found.

I realized the glow he radiated was pure joy. His eyes crinkled at the corners, his smile beaming like the high beams on my F150.

“Wow,” he said. “I feel so free saying that.”

“That’s amazing, Sam. You deserve to feel free.

Everyone does. Love is the most basic and purest emotion and, for reasons I can never fully understand, it also comes with societal conditions.

You must be in love with someone of the opposite sex, or if not, you might make me uncomfortable.

Or you may force me to have a five-minute conversation with my curious child.

Or you may hold up a mirror in my direction, showing me a reflection I hate to see.

All those reasons to step on someone else’s happiness, and what’s the common denominator there?

The other person. It’s always the other person, never you. ”

Sam nodded at that. Both my hands were in his now. My boots were planted firmly on the ground, and yet it felt like we floated on puffy white clouds.

“You forgive me, right, Benny?”

I looked up into those shining blue eyes. “I never blamed you, Sam.”

We kissed again, holding each other. For the first time ever, Sam and I embraced in public. Neither of us cared who saw. I pressed my body against his. We fit together perfectly. He smelled like he’d recently showered, like strawberries. I kissed him, feeling something twitch between us.

He was getting hard. I gave my hips a little wiggle, rubbing my own growing dick against his. He smiled as we kissed, the curve of his lips matching mine. Well, well, well. Maybe it was time to move this coming out party somewhere a little more private—preferably somewhere with a bed.

“Should we head inside?”

“Yes,” Sam said, his cock fully hard now. “But maybe we should take the long way around. Let things cool off.”

I rolled my eyes and gave him one more playful wiggle. “Tuck yourself into your waistband.

“You mean like this?” Sam reached down and rearranged himself so that his hard cock poked out the top of his shorts. The head was pink and already wet with precum. I swallowed down a moan before I ran my thumb over his dick. He shivered. I lifted my wet thumb up to my lips and got myself a taste.

“Just like that,” I said, grinning.

He licked his lips and appeared like he was seconds from melting into a puddle at my feet. He fixed his shirt so that it covered the head of his hard dick.

“Fuckin’ hell, Sam. I want you to ride me so hard my saddle catches fire.”

“Let’s do it, stud. Break me in.”

We couldn’t get back to my bedroom fast enough.