Page 21 of Saddle Studs (Rainbow Ranch #3)

BENNY

It was happening again.

I knew it. I knew history would repeat itself.

As sure as the sun would rise on the horizon, Sam would come around to break my heart again.

I was stupid to ever think things would be different this time.

Why would they? Because we were older? No.

That didn’t matter much when he was absolutely determined to keep his true self locked away, withering in the cold and lonely darkness of shame.

“So fucking stupid,” I said to the stars watching me above. Sam had left with a wake of shock trailing behind him. But I wasn’t going to get caught in the riptide. Not anymore. I would swim my way back to shore and be done fawning over men who would never be with me in the first place.

“What a waste of fucking time.” I walked in the opposite direction as the barn, toward the grazing field where a few horses were still out. I thought it had spontaneously started to rain, but the salty taste against my lips confirmed nothing was falling from the sky.

Except maybe the sky itself was falling.

I swung open the gate to the pasture, the hinges creaking loudly into the night.

Juniper lifted her head and twitched her ears.

I didn’t even have to start walking toward her before she turned and made her way to me.

Her coat had an almost ethereal shine to it underneath the moonlight.

I ran a hand through her mane. She gave me a curious whinny and bumped her snout into my side.

I wrapped my arms around her neck, burying my face in her hair, and started to cry. The sound was stifled by Juniper, thank God. I didn’t want this display of weakness to be witnessed by anyone, especially not by Sam.

He caused this. He wrapped me up in his arms only to push me off a ledge.

Right when I started to feel comfortable— hopeful —about what was taking root between us.

It was the same thing that happened back when we were kids trying to figure it all out.

Except that time, he had quite literally pushed me, so I guess there were some signs of growth after all?

Juniper whinnied some more, huffing in concern.

She didn’t move, though. She knew that what I needed most in that moment was a shoulder—or horse—to cry on.

That’s what I loved most about these animals.

They were the most intuitive beings I’d ever been around, knowing when someone was fearful, happy, angry, or absolutely and totally fucking heartbroken.

Horses understood emotions more than some people understood their ABCs.

Magical creatures. We didn’t deserve them.

Why did I deserve this?

Why did Sam break my heart?

Why couldn’t he love me? Why couldn’t he love himself?

A particularly lung-twisting sob escaped. Juniper must have gotten worried because she took a couple steps back so she could look at me, her saucer-like honey brown eyes searching mine. I rested my forehead against hers. “It’s okay. I’m alright, girl. At least I will be.”

“Of course you will be.”

“Ah! Oh, fuck!” I almost launched myself into space from the fright Boone had given me. He stopped right where he stood, eyes wide, scared at my reaction.

“Sorry,” Boone said. “Shoulda announced myself.”

“No, that’s fine. I shouldn’t have let my guard down.”

“Ah, right. You shouldn’t have let your guard down at your family ranch surrounded by people you love and animals you care for.”

“Sometimes it’s the people you love who can do the most damage.” The words sound like they came from someone else’s mouth. Was I disassociating? Was this the moment I snapped, packed a bag, and turned into a burly forest man living far away from society?

Maybe. But probably not, I liked having electricity too much.

“Whoa,” Boone said. His gaze filled with concern as his eyebrows knit together. He put a hand on my elbow. “What happened?” He must have just realized the tears streaking down my face weren’t from sweat.

“I stubbed my toe,” I said.

“Right, and I’ve got the pope kissing my ass.”

I chuckled at that. A saying our dad loved to use whenever something was unbelievable to him.

“It’s nothing.” Of course, that was another lie, and my brother damn well knew it.

He could always see through whatever fabrications I was creating in order to throw him off the trail of the truth.

He crossed his arms, covering the flour that dusted the front of his plaid shirt.

He must have been making a fresh batch of buns for tomorrow.

“It’s Sam,” I relented. I knew this would be going nowhere.

“What happened? Is he okay?”

I shrugged. I wish I knew. I wanted to know. I wanted to run after him and tell him it’d be alright, to soothe him, to hold his hand and comfort him. To kiss him.

Fuck, I really, really liked kissing him. But he pushed me away again.

“He’s fine. I just… I started to fall for him again, Boone.

Or maybe I’d never stopped falling for him.

But he never even started falling for me.

He basically told me the same thing he said to me back when we were seventeen, that he’ll never be able to give me what I want.

He’s straight, or at least he won’t come out, and it’s dragging us both under. ”

“Oh Benny, that is not the story I wanted to hear about the two of you.”

“Same,” I replied. Juniper still stood by my side, flicking her ears. Her attention was pinned on me. “I knew him coming back here was a bad idea.”

Boone sighed, his lips pursed. He chewed on his thoughts for a moment. Likely parsing through the nicest ways to tell me to just move on already. To learn from my mistakes and not let something like this happen ever again.

“You two deserve a chance.” Leave it to my big brother to know how to surprise me.

“It breaks my heart to hear that you’re hurting.

And if it were anyone else, I’d be more wary of telling you this.

But I’ve seen how you and Sam look at each other.

It’s similar to how Wylie used to look at me, with that silent but also loud kind of want.

Where it’s obvious to everyone but us. Not only that, but I’ve sensed such a shift in you since he got here. ”

“I’ve felt it, too. And that’s what makes this even worse. I can’t drag him out of the closet. I don’t want to do that to him, but I also don’t want to be collateral anymore.”

“And I don’t want that for you, either. Could this be maybe this last step on his way to coming out?”

I shook my head. I could see the barn over Boone’s shoulder, the light on and shining against the dark sky. Was Sam still there? Should I go and look for him?

I’ll never love you.

The memory slashed through me. It was blurred at the edges but still sharp enough to cut through skin. He’d said that the first time this ever happened, when he pushed me so I fell flat on my ass.

He’d been telling the truth back then.

I should have believed him.

I dried my cheeks with my palm. Sadness was beginning to be replaced with an ember of anger. I’d been played a fool. I fucked up by letting my guard down. “No,” I said. “I don’t think it is. If he can’t feel safe coming out here, at Rainbow Ranch, then he isn’t going to feel safe ever coming out.”

“That’s not necessarily true. Maybe you were the one helping him step closer to his true self.”

“But is it my responsibility to walk him to the rainbow?”

“Of course not,” Boone said. “Your responsibility is to simply be there as a friend. As a support system. Do you think you can do that?”

I dropped my gaze. The weight on my chest was heavy. “I don’t think I can. We’ve already blurred too many lines. I can’t see him as just a friend.”

Boone nodded. “What does your heart tell you, Benny?”

“That I need to get on my Delta app and book the first flight out of here.”

Boone’s soft gaze sharpened. “Running away from this isn’t going to solve it.”

Juniper gave a grunt of agreement. Great, now they were ganging up on me.

“Then what do I do?”

“Give it the night,” Boone said. “Let everyone sleep on what happened. Then, when the day is new, you two get together and have a deep heart-to-heart. Talk through everything. And I mean everything . Let him feel safe and let him know that you’ll help him, but you also won’t hurt for him.

He needs to be respectful of you, too. He can’t string you along.

He has to face it with you, and then he can slowly come out to everyone else. ”

I rubbed at the bridge of my nose. As if it were some kind of pressure valve that would release all this built-up anxiety inside me. “What if he can’t? What if he can’t ever come out?”

“Do you remember when you came out?”

“Of course I do. I sent a text message to the family group chat saying I was going to marry Tom Cruise, and no one was going to stop me.”

Boone chuckled at that. “Your obsession with Mission Impossible was slightly concerning.”

“Yeah, that was weird. Now Tom gives me the ick.”

“Same,” Boone said with a wink. “But your experience, that ease with which you came out, it’s a blessing not everyone experiences.

Sometimes we live in this perfect little gay bubble here and we forget that people on the outside are still living under the shadow of absolute queer shame.

We were lucky that Ma and Pa kept all of that shit away from us.

They helped us grow, find ourselves, they encouraged us to be true. ”

“They were the best.”

“They really, really were. But they were also rare. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that kind of support, and some people have the complete opposite. I don’t know Sam’s situation, but I have to assume that his family may have something to do with it.

At least from what I remember when you both were younger.

Just give Sam a little more grace, a little more time. Talk to him tomorrow.”

I filled my lungs with the fresh night air.

From here I could see Sam’s bedroom window, the curtains drawn and the lights on.

He must have gone back inside. The anger in my chest flickered away, unable to take hold.

Boone was right. I had to understand that Sam was fighting a battle I could hardly understand.

He struggled between his family values, society’s judgmental glare, and his own ingrained prejudices.

“Thanks, Boone-dawg. You’re right. I think we just need to get some sleep and tackle this tomorrow.”

Juniper gave another grunt and a stomp of her foot. We both looked at her for a silent moment before laughter filled the air. She flicked her tail and held her head up high as if saying, duh, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you .

“Be kind to yourself, Benny. You’re a catch and Sam is lucky to have you in his life. Give him the space to see that.”

I offered my brother a genuine smile, covering the worry that still gnawed away at my rib cage. “I just hope he doesn’t run away before he gets a chance to see it.”