Page 20 of Saddle Studs (Rainbow Ranch #3)

SAM

Life was different after you’ve been fucked in the ass.

It’s like the breeze itself whispered a different tune. People’s jokes were way funnier than normal. So much so that I was cracking up to the point of tears at Beau’s joke about line dancing being square dancing’s gay cousin with better branding.

Yeah… I was definitely bisexual.

I sat across from Beau in the kitchen. Dinner was wrapped up and we stuck around at the table.

We’d been chatting about how to best promote the Rainbow Ranch Line Dance Night.

It had been an idea that hit me in the middle of the night.

I woke up with my arms wrapped around a sleeping Benny, the idea lighting up the bedroom like a hundred-watt bulb.

I may have been fired from my job, but that didn’t mean I had to stop working.

I had a deep wealth of knowledge when it came to public relations and marketing.

I could step in and help manage the ranch’s presence, not just in Johnson Springs, but in the surrounding areas too.

I could help make this ranch a beacon of safety and acceptance for anyone in the country.

If anything, it was a mission with a much grander purpose than hey, I need this actress to get a hundred thousand new Instagram followers by the end of the month , or can you help divert attention from this terrible scandal this superstar won’t get cancelled?

“I think we definitely need to update the website,” I said as I flicked at the iPad on the table.

“And I’ll find someone to help manage all the socials.

If we can throw some money at advertising, I think that would be beneficial, too.

Are there any collab opportunities you can think of off the top of your head? ”

“Collab?” Beau asked as if I were speaking a foreign language.

“Collaboration. Maybe a horse feed brand? Or another nearby ranch that wants to team up and help sponsor the event?”

“I can reach out to the Walters. They have the poultry farm down the road and are friendly folks. Terry, he owns the hardware store in town, and he mentioned wanting to help the ranch out. Maybe he can be a sponsor.”

“Perfect.” I jotted down the names on a bright pink sticky note next to the iPad. “You know, I may suck ass at line dancing, but at least this way I can contribute something.”

“First, you’ve been getting much better. You only trip a couple of times a lesson now. And second, you’ve contributed more than enough. Benny has been finishing all his chores hours early, that’s how energized he’s been.”

That got a laugh out of me. “I’m glad I can get that lazy butt off the couch,” I joked, the two of us knowing damn well Benny was one of the hardest workers around.

My phone buzzed across the table, surprising me that a call got through the shitty cell service out here. I flipped it over and looked at the screen. “It’s my mom.”

Beau raised an eyebrow. “Does Ms. Fisher want to join in on the planning?”

I snorted at that. “Absolutely not, she hates this kind of stuff. I’ll take it outside just in case she gets chatty.”

He chuckled and nodded and turned back to the iPad as I stood and slipped through the sliding door, out onto the porch and down the side steps.

The air had cooled, that late spring kind of breeze that always carried just a whisper of wildflower and dirt.

The sun was finishing up her descent behind the hills, casting everything in burnt gold.

The landscape of Rainbow Ranch was at its best during this hour.

Like a painting that belonged in some museum, framed with gold and admired by thousands.

I answered the call. “Hey, Mom.”

“Sammy,” she said brightly. “You busy?”

“Just finishing up dinner. We were going over some ideas for an event at the ranch.”

“Oh, fun! You always were good at planning things.” There was a smile in her voice, but it softened.

“Listen, I just wanted to catch up. Things have been busy on this end. We had a big prayer service on Sunday. Real beautiful. You should’ve seen the choir—gave me goosebumps.

And Pastor Rob did a whole sermon about loving people where they are, even if you don’t always understand them. ”

I felt my chest tighten… not quite in pain, but it wasn’t comfortable either.

Really? Of all of the things to talk about? Now?

“That’s nice,” I said, trying to keep my tone even.

“Yeah… and well, something happened that made me think of you.”

I froze, my heart skipping a bit. My mom often had things happen in her life that made her think of me. It was a running joke at this point. “What do you mean?”

She sighed. “One of the families at church, their son came out. As gay. Poor thing, only seventeen. I can’t imagine how scared he must’ve been.”

There was a pause. My stomach twisted. What the absolute fuck? Really? This had to be happening now ?

And then she added, “It’s been hard for his family. Not because he’s gay, but because his dad just got laid off. Everything hit at once.”

I didn’t breathe. It was as if an invisible hand smacked itself over my nose and mouth, clamping my airways shut.

“Oh,” I said, voice thin. “That’s… a lot.”

“It is. It’s just—these kids today, they go through so much. I told your father, ‘Thank goodness Sammy never gave us any of that kind of stress.’ It made me so grateful to have you as a son. The love of my life.”

And there it was.

The sentence landed like a punch in the sternum, cracking the tough bone into a hundred different pieces. I didn’t even know what to say. The air felt colder all of a sudden, like the sun had taken warmth with her on the way out. Suddenly winter had come months ahead of schedule.

“Right,” I said. “Of course.”

“I just… can’t imagine how hard it must be for those parents, trying to adjust to something like that. And with everything else going on.” Then static burst through the phone before my mom’s voice cut back in. “—Gay, of course.”

“Right, of course,” I said. I stared out toward the pasture, where a familiar silhouette moved near the far side of the fence.

Benny.

He was helping Pris carry a bag of fertilizer toward the barn, laughing about something, his voice carrying faintly in the stillness. He looked so comfortable. Like he belonged here. Like he was building a life full of things that mattered. Free to be free, not to feel like a burden.

And for a second, I thought that I could belong too.

But that sentence echoed again. Like the shockwaves of a massive bomb.

Thank goodness Sammy never gave us any of that kind of stress.

I winced, sucking in a breath. This was a reminder that life was never easy. “Listen, I should go. Give Dad a hug for me.”

“Of course, sweetheart. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I hung up and stared at the screen for a few seconds before tucking the phone into my back pocket.

My stomach felt hollow. Like someone had scooped out all the joy I’d collected in the past week and left nothing but a dull and gray void in its place. Empty space. White noise.

I’d been so foolish. Leaving the city and coming to Rainbow Ranch had made me feel like I was living in a bubble. But the world didn’t function like that. No one lived in a bubble.

I turned back toward the fence line, just as Benny looked up and spotted me.

He waved. I waved back, weakly, trying to gather my breath, trying to pull the panic back down from the edges of my chest. This was fucked up. I’d made a mistake.

He’d felt so good inside me.

I wanted him again.

I couldn’t have him.

I fucked up.

And then he started walking toward me. I wanted to run.

He reached me fast, his hands still dirty with flecks of dirt and fertilizer. “Hey,” he said. “You good? You kinda looked like you saw a ghost.”

“I’m fine,” I lied through my damn teeth.

He frowned, his dark eyes searching my face.

His dark black beard was perfectly shaved.

He wore a white tank top and a worn pair of blue jeans.

I wanted to hold his chin in my hands, aim those lips toward mine, kiss him until I felt like everything would be alright.

“Something’s up, I can feel it,” he said, head cocked.

Of course my best friend would know when something was up. “You wanna talk about it?”

“No,” I said too quickly.

He didn’t flinch. Just stepped a little closer. “Okay. Not now. But later, maybe?”

I nodded.

And then he reached up and brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. His palm lingered against my cheek. It was soft. Natural.

And absolutely fucking terrifying.

Because just like that, I pictured my mom seeing it. I heard her voice again. Thank goodness Sammy never gave us that kind of stress.

I stepped back.

He blinked. “What’s wrong?”

“I said I’m fine.” It came out so much more tense than I meant it to. Fuck.

His brows knit together. “Okay, but?—”

“I don’t want you to touch me right now,” I snapped.

That did it. Like dumping a bucket of ice directly onto his head. Benny looked shocked. He stepped back, arms falling to his sides, a hurt expression cracking across his face before he could catch it.

“Sam…”

“I just—I need some air,” I muttered. “I can’t do this right now.”

“Do what?”

Be seen. Be known. Be vulnerable.

Be his.

I turned and walked away, heart hammering against my ribs, breath lodging in my throat like it didn’t belong there. A splinter I couldn’t get out. This was so fucked. So fucking fucked. I wasn’t sure if Benny followed me or not. I just kept walking, the world cracking with every step I took.

I didn’t stop until I reached the barn. I sank down behind the tool shed, tucked between sacks of feed and spare fence posts, and buried my face in my hands.

I wasn’t ready for this. I’d been fooling myself.

I wasn’t ready to come out. To be held. To be loved like this—not when I didn’t even know how to love myself in the open.

And Benny deserved better.

I had to make sure he got that.