Page 24 of Run For Me (Until You’re Mine Duet #1)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Sailor

It’s two weeks before I hear from Sam. I’m surprised when I open my app and it’s not JT, but Sam. I ignore the disappointment.

SameoldSam: Hey

DarkRaven : Hey

SameoldSam: How are you?

DarkRaven : I’m okay. How are you?

SameoldSam: Better.

SameoldSam: I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.

DarkRaven : Don’t be.

SameoldSam: I just needed time to think. I’m really confused about this whole thing.

SameoldSam: Can I call you?

I let out a sigh as I read his message multiple times. Can he? Yes. Do I want him to? No. Should we get this conversation over with? Absolutely.

I’ve known it was coming. Sam wouldn’t disappear and never talk to me again.

Not without setting things straight. He isn’t like that.

What happened with us was barely a fight.

It was more like a minor disagreement, and the longer he went without messaging me or calling, I realized more and more that I didn’t do anything wrong.

He caught me off guard. He can’t expect me to change everything in my life just because he wanted to show up at random.

DarkRaven : That’s probably a good idea.

I stare at the phone, waiting for his name to appear.

“Hey,” I answer, once the phone rings.

“Hi,” he says in a tired voice. I can picture him perfectly now that we’ve seen each other face-to-face.

It’s quiet, an awkward silence between us, and then finally he speaks.

“What’s going on with us, Sails?”

He’s the only one who’s ever called me Sails. It sounded so strange at first, and I remember not liking it, but I grew to find it endearing. Because it was from him… my best friend, my boyfriend.

Now? The name has no effect on me. Definitely not the way little dove does.

“I don’t know, Sam. Things have changed.”

I need to be honest with him.

Be honest with him!

“I know that, but why? Is there someone else?”

“No.”

Yes.

JT isn’t the reason I don’t want to be with Sam anymore—I’d had those thoughts before I met him. But JT is responsible for me wanting to accept things about myself, things I’ve questioned for so long, and that has me questioning everything.

The anxiety hasn’t gone away. I’m not suddenly okay with everything going on in my head, but I want to be.

I want to be okay with who I am.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I don’t want to hide from the world, don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. I just want to be me.

I should have been truthful with Sam from the beginning, but part of me worried he would judge me.

That he’d think those things were weird.

Every time Sam talked about sex, it was sweet, kind, and caring…

the complete opposite of what I’ve always thought of it.

In turn, I started to think there was something wrong with me.

That I was broken. And hey, maybe I am, but I’ve found someone who is broken too. Someone who is like me.

Birds of a feather…

The anonymity of JT makes me comfortable sharing certain things about myself that I’ve refused to think about. Even if he knows who I am, something about me not knowing who he is makes it okay in my head. I can’t make sense of that, but it’s okay.

I also can’t make sense of why I find myself dressing up more and caring about my appearance, knowing at any time he could see me.

He’s a stranger. He’s no one.

He’s just a journal thief.

“Then what is it?” Sam asks, his voice pulling me from my thoughts.

I sigh, lifting my eyes to the ceiling, staring at absolutely nothing, trying to pull myself together. Trying to find the words…

“Everything, Sam. It’s just everything.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m not the same girl I was six years ago. I thought I was. I’ve been hanging on to those parts of me and living in the past because it makes me feel close to my family. Something about starting school, about… losing my journal, has made me realize I haven’t been being true to myself.”

I want to be as honest as I can without telling him the whole truth. I sent him that message and explained a lot of this to him already, but I understand he wants more.

“I’ve changed too, though. Why does that mean we can’t be together?”

“I’m sorry, Sam,” I whisper, my eyes stinging with tears. I blink them away and take a deep breath, holding it in for five seconds and then letting it out slowly and quietly. It’s not that I don’t care about him. I do. I don’t want to lose him; I just can’t be with him like this anymore.

“Is this forever, Sailor?”

Yes.

“Maybe not. I don’t know.”

“I’m not giving up on us, Sails. I can’t.

We’ve shared too many late nights. I know you better than anyone.

” No, you don’t, Sam. “Just the same way you know me. The life we’ve planned together is perfect.

” Maybe for you, Sam. “I can’t quit so easily.

I needed some time to think, and I did that, but I still want you.

” I don’t want you, Sam. “I love you, Sailor. You’re my forever. ” You’re not my forever, Sam.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all I can say.

“Just keep in touch, okay? We were friends before; we can be friends now.”

“Of course.”

It’s silent again, for so long this time I have to make sure the call didn’t drop. It didn’t. After two minutes pass, I decide to say something.

“Sam, I have to get to bed. I have class in the morning.”

“Yeah, okay. Good night, Sails. I love you, okay? Please don’t forget that.”

“I won’t. Night, Sam.”

I pull the phone from my ear and end the call.

My god, the emotions rolling through me right now…

Even though I’m wiping away tears, my emotions getting the best of me, I feel lighter. My head is clear, and I can breathe again.

I can breathe.

A smile forms on my lips, and I start to laugh. It’s slow at first, just a bubble, but then I’m laughing so hard I can’t see. The tears that pour from my eyes now are happy ones.

I can breathe!

The craziest thing of all? The one person I want to talk to is JT. I’m giddy with excitement. It’s amazing what getting something off your chest will do. Just a simple conversation with Sam to let him know where we stand, and I feel like I’ve shed thirty pounds of baggage.

DarkRaven : Hey, handsome.

After I send the message, I feel stupid. I regret the handsome part, the nerves over how he’ll react making me wish I could delete it.

And it has nothing to do with me not knowing what he looks like—Yes, his body is sexy as sin, but this has everything to do with the fact that I am blatantly flirting!

JournalThief : Handsome? Am I talking to the right girl?

Of course, he had to pick up on that and call me out on it. I slap my hand to my forehead and groan. I’m such an idiot.

Yet, I can’t help but feel a tinge of excitement too. He knows me well enough to mention it.

And that… well, I don’t know what to think about that.

DarkRaven : Yeah, it’s me. Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.

JournalThief : Don’t be sorry. I liked it.

I chew on my lip and smile. He liked it? My stomach flutters, and I want to know more about what he likes because knowing I can do something he enjoys, well, I really like that.

DarkRaven : I’ll do it more often.

JournalThief : Please do, little dove.

I get a thought then. I’m still floating above the clouds on my good mood, and the urge to be flirty with him is too intense to ignore.

For the first time, I give into one of my dark thoughts and play into this to see where it will go.

Can he really be into the things I think about, or is he just messing with me?

DarkRaven : Yes, sir.

JournalThief : You’re playing with fire…

DarkRaven : Fire is dangerous.

DarkRaven : But I can handle it.

JournalThief : Are you sure about that?

DarkRaven : Absolutely.

JournalThief : Fine. Two can play this game.

JournalThief : Tell me your favorite position, little dove. I need to know how to take you the first time.

This isn’t the first time he’s brought up sex, but it is the first time he’s been so direct about it and asked me a question like this. Before, it was small comments and remarks. Things I could ignore and laugh off.

God, I wish I could feel this good every day. I wish every moment it was so easy to be open about who I am. I wish I didn’t have so many worries holding me down. This feeling of being free? It’s addictive.

The only way I’m going to keep this going is by being honest. Open and honest with who I am.

DarkRaven : I wouldn’t know.

JournalThief : What does that mean?

Without over-thinking this and not wanting to waste time beating around the bush, I go with the most direct answer I can give him.

DarkRaven : I’m a virgin.

The dots on the screen dance on and off for a full minute.

Then my phone rings.

My stomach drops, and my grip tightens around the hard plastic case.

It’s an unknown number, and it has to be him.

I don’t know how I know, I just do. I know who is on the other end of this call. I know whose voice I’m going to hear when I answer it. So, I press the green button and bring the phone to my ear. “Hello?”