Page 21

Zephyr

“ H e should never have been there…”

The hot water scorched my skin, but the bite was nothing to the memories hissing inside my mind. I’d been standing here, eyes closed, hands braced on the gray tile long enough for the anger to wane and grief to choke me.

“…he’s dead, Zephyr…”

I heard my uncle’s voice like he was standing right outside the shower, harsh and brutal as a blade.

“…because you needed a friend…”

Jacen had been so much more than a friend by the time that night came about. He’d been hope personified, a way out of the darkness I’d found myself steeped in. I wanted something different, a life where I didn’t have to constantly look over my shoulder, where I could be loved, finally.

“…you got him killed…”

Just like mother. If I’d just let her go after Kier instead of holding her back because I was pissed off at my little brother’s stubbornness, she might’ve been in a safer part of the house.

But it turned out she’d been directly under a support beam when the bomb went off, destroying our house, killing her and maiming me.

“…let this be a lesson to you…”

And it had been.

I buried Daisy and Jacen in a grave inside my heart that night, never to dig them out again.

I threw myself into training like never before, expunged every single thing in my room that reminded me of him until I lived in quarters so sparse that even my uncle asked me if I wanted a plant or something.

I refused, of course, and committed myself to the path he had for me: the GIB

First Cyborg and youngest person to ever enter the Intelligence Academy.

No one had trust me, I had no friends, no allies. My teachers were wary of me, the students thought I was either a legacy brat or a psychotic robot or both. But it was all fine because it gave me time to train and learn without the distraction of relationships.

When I graduated, the hole in my heart was so big that it almost swallowed me. A year later, when Kier found me, I was considering death just to escape the emptiness my life had become. Oddly, it was my half Atavarian brother that brought me back to life.

He showed me love though I didn’t feel I deserved it. Took me to see our father, who embraced me as a daughter, even though genetically I wasn’t. Together they showed me a better way.

My father taught me how to channel my anger and grief, as he had done.

Kier reminded me of our mother in some ways, even as he asked me for stories of her since he had so few memories.

It healed a part of me I’d ignored for a very long time and I started to love the two of them, discovering that it was worth the risk of loss to have love in my life again. And slowly, I found out who I was.

Years later, when I could laugh again without faking it, I would sometimes think I saw Jacen in a crowd and it would shake me to my core. Now I wondered if I had somehow known that he was out there, waiting for my uncle to die so he could come back. But back to what?

I shook my head under the cooling water and finally ended my shower. As I dried off, I tried to make sense of all the disjointed pieces of this part of my life.

I’d spent so long ignoring that part of my life, covering the pain with empty things that eventually became so much more meaningful than a way to forget.

My life had been fulfilling, good. I’d built a family with my team, had found a way to forgive my uncle for the way he’d raised me, for his lack of love.

When I’d heard that my uncle and my team were dead within a day of each other, I thought that was the worst of it and I was handling it.

I had a plan, a way to make it right, along with so many things that I regretted over the years.

I had thought this was fate giving me the perfect reason to go after Cypher after all these years.

And then…

“He’s dead…”

“Except he’s not,” I whispered, “and he’s never been. You son of a bitch.”

I didn’t think I’d have to rebuild my life again, but now the cracks were too many and it was falling apart around me.

Why Jacen, or Sherrod, whatever the fuck his name was, would be the one thing that made it all come crashing down was something I didn’t have a good explanation for.

Maybe he was the one wound I’d never allowed myself to feel and therefore it was still rotting inside of me.

But how did I face it after all this time? We couldn’t go back to who we were, I wasn’t even sure I could find that girl anymore no matter how hard I tried. And it wasn’t just Sherrod’s face that was different. The whole time I’d been with him, I hadn’t seen a glimpse of Jacen, had I?

Maybe there had been moments I’d ignored. His eyes…that god damned smirk.

And when he looked at me tonight, when he’d kissed me and whispered that name against my skin, it took me back there. The pain had been overwhelming; the shock of Jacen being right there, knowing I’d been with him for days and not known it, it knocked my knees out from under me.

“But it’s not him…” I clutched at my hair and pulled a little. “Not really, no more than I’m still Daisy.”

The sting usually brought a clarity but all it did this time was hurt. All of this was too muddled and strange to figure out in one night. Yet, I had to if I was going to be able to focus on this mission. There was no way I could go against Cypher with my mind so divided.

And as if by magic, just thinking of that bastard produced a small bit of clarity, like sunshine piercing through dark clouds. I latched onto it and took a breath.

For years, my work had been my safe space, the one thing that had been constant in my life.

I’d use it now to steady me. Sherrod was Jacen, I knew it in my bones even without his eyes and voice, even without the memories he had.

Absolutely no one else had ever called me Daisy; that alone would be enough to convince me.

But regardless of all that, he had no place in the narrative of my life anymore. He was my past; a beautiful, painful part that deserved recognition, but one that I couldn’t focus on right now. It was too tangled and would be there when this mission was over.

Cypher on the other hand, wouldn’t.

Whatever that psycho had planned, it would hurt a lot of people, probably millions if the K’Tavi were involved. That had to be my priority. If Sherrod and I survived, we could figure out where to go then.

Right now, I just need a partner, nothing more.

Peace wrapped around me enough that I could breathe again without feeling like the effort would shatter me. I could get through this, I’d compartmentalized worse.

Yeah, when I thought he’d died.

I cringed at that and shoved it away. I’d dealt with it as much as I was willing to tonight. Now was the time to figure out how to box it up and get on with the job.

After scarfing down a ration bar and some water because I still wasn’t quite ready to face Jacen…Sherrod…whatever the fuck his name was, I brushed my teeth, moisturized and wrapped my braids and climbed into bed.

His bed.

No…nope! I’m not going to think about that. This is just a bed, and I’m tired, I need sleep.

Taking charge of my mind worked, at first.

But when I started to drift off, his mouth and hands would sweep through my mind. I could almost feel him touching me, biting my skin, the heat of his breath when he’d moaned Daisy…

I climbed out of bed when it became evident I wouldn’t be able to sleep with that living rent free in my head.

So I tried to meditate. I dug out techniques I hadn’t used in months, years. I even tried the Atavarian method of standing on my head, letting the blood rush until I felt like my head was going to pop, then sitting in stillness.

Nothing worked.

He was there, every time.

I ended up falling on the bed with a harsh grunt and beating my hands and feet against the mattress. Why couldn’t I just bury him like last time?

“Because it’s not like last time,” I said, breathless and frustrated. “He’s alive, and on the other side of the door.”

My heart skipped and my traitorous lady parts quivered with want.

I wanted him, still.

Always, really.

I had wanted him then and I wanted him now with a ferocity that scared me.

It was primal, bone deep and hungry. The weight of him on top of me was delicious, the way he’d kissed me with such reverence and yet as if he wanted to wreck me.

I wanted that, to be swept away by passion with someone I could trust. It had been an embarrassingly long time since I’d fucked anyone, and even longer since I had trusted anyone enough to let go fully.

We can’t, it’s only going to make things worse, more complicated. We just…can’t.

It was the truth. I may not have liked it, but it was. And I needed him to understand that. If he thought we were going to just pick up where we left off…

“No, he’s too smart for that. But…he did seem just as lost in the moment as me. And he already knew the truth. He was going to fuck me, knowing who I really was. So maybe he is still hoping to rekindle it all.”

The thought had me shooting off the bed and to the door. I was only in my sleep pants, tank top and hair wrap, but he kept the ship warm so I wasn’t cold, though I shivered with nerves.

I had to make it clear that this could only be a partnership. Or…maybe friends.

Yeah, friends is good, friends makes sense.

I considered taking my hair out of the wrap, and checking to make sure I didn’t have dried toothpaste on my mouth but I stopped myself.

Friends saw each other like this, right?

Friends didn’t worry about looking pretty or presentable all the time.

So if we were just going to be friends, then the old length of cotton around my head and whether or not I had toothpaste on my mouth shouldn’t matter.

“Yeah…exactly. Okay.” I took a breath, shook out my limbs like I was about to spar and stopped. “Calm the fuck down, Zephyr. Fuck’s sake.”