Page 174 of Rock Bottom Girl

I waited until they’d all gotten in their cars and driven off. Waited for the bus to leave. Waited for Vicky to head home to her family. Then, and only then, I sat in my car in the dark and cried myself sick.

The knock at my window while I was blowing my nose into a fast food napkin scared the shit out of me. I recognized the crotch outside my window. I wasn’t ready to talk to that crotch or the man it was attached to.

Jake knocked against the glass again.

He was going to make me talk to him. And if I tried to drive away, he’d just chase me down.

I opened the door and stepped out.

“You okay?”

I shrugged, not trusting my voice.

“Aw, baby.” He gathered me close. “It crushes me to see you crushed.”

“I let everyone down,” I whispered.

“Mars, you lost a game. Not a war. Where’s the perspective?” he teased.

But I wasn’t in the mood.

“I was looking for a sign, and I guess I got it.”

“A sign for what?” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. I didn’t deserve to be comforted by him.

“I thought I was finally getting my act together, you know? I thought things were going well. That maybe I was supposed to stay here.”

“Of course you’re supposed to stay here, Mars. What the hell are you talking about?”

“All I do is screw things up, Jake.”

“You’re speaking a foreign language right now. Come on. Get your stuff. I’ll drive you home.”

I shook my head. It was clear now. What I had to do. My team deserved better. My students. Jake deserved better.

The sleet had changed over again. Now fat flakes were floating down from the dark sky, landing in slush. Trying to whitewash the mess.

I didn’t belong here now any more than I did when I was a teenager.

“Marley, get in my car,” he said sternly.

When I didn’t move, he physically dragged me to his vehicle and tucked me inside. He closed the door, and the dome light went off. I sat there in the dark, in the silence.

Jake returned with my gym bag and water bottle. He tossed my things in the back seat and without a word drove us home.

75

Marley

Ididn’t want to go inside. Jake pulled into his driveway, and I sat staring at the house that I’d fallen in love with. I’d fallen in love with the man, too.

The man who was carting my things out of the back seat and telling me if I didn’t get out of his car, he was going to drag me inside caveman style.

Numbly, I followed him to the front door.

When Homer charged me, demanding all the love I had in my body, I sank to my knees and pressed my face into his fur. At least he still loved me. It didn’t matter to Homer if I won or lost. As long as I loved him and fed him and scratched his belly.

I’d failed before. But this time I’d taken a lot of people down with me. I disappointed them all, let them all down. And that was what hurt. I kept seeing the tear-stained faces of each girl as she exited the bus. All that hard work for nothing. For a lousy loss under sleeting skies.