Page 10 of Right Where You Left Me

“I just couldn’t handle seeing that look of hurt on her face again.

I didn’t know if I was feeling things because I was kissing a girl for the first time and it felt good, or if it was just Sage .

We were basically one person, so entwined in each other that it would make sense for a kiss with her to feel nice.

But she kissed me first, and I didn’t want to put her through any more confusion and pain.

So, I just left. Cut contact and I never saw or talked to her again.

I don’t blame her for not wanting me around, for being mad.

All of her feelings are justified. But, I just want to fix things.

I don’t like the fact that she’s still so angry with me, and won’t let me try to fix it.

She won’t even talk to me without snapping.

” That guilty feeling that I haven’t been able to shake since I saw her in the cafe that first day sits heavy in my stomach.

I know that I messed up, big time. I know that I hurt her.

If only she would let me in, just a little bit so I could try to mend things. Maybe we could even be friends again…

“Emma.” She says softly, but firmly. “Sometimes we hurt people and we just have to live with that. You can’t change someone’s feelings just because those feelings upset you. That isn’t how life works.”

“I know, but?—”

“You can’t make someone like you, honey.

” She says gently. “And you can’t force someone to forgive you either.

You have to earn that. Demanding forgiveness is like ordering a meal and not paying for it.

You don’t get to just have someone’s forgiveness just because you want it.

And sometimes you just have to let things lie because that person has no interest in giving it to you. ”

“Right.” I say and try to shove the pain in my chest away.

She’s right, but I still really hate that knowledge.

“Well, you asked why I’m in a mood today.

That’s what’s wrong, Mom. Sage hates me.

” I clear my throat and with it the remainder of emotional pain ruining the day spent with my mom. “Work is going well otherwise.”

“Oh good, good.” She says, smiling at our waiter when he brings us our lunch. “It’ll all work out how it’s supposed to. You’ll see. What’s meant to be always finds a way to come to pass.”

“If you say so.” I mutter under my breath. I stab a bite of the salad I ordered and shove it in my mouth. Ugh, I should have ordered a burger. Why did I think a salad was going to be the best option after a conversation this heavy.

I know my mom thinks she’s right, and what she’s saying does have some merit to it, but I don’t want to let it go and see what happens.

I don’t want to sit back and let it work out how it’s supposed to .

I want Sage to— ugh I don’t know. I want her to at least like me, but I know that’s a stretch for where we’re at currently.

I’d even settle for a smile at this point.

A slight crinkle in her cheeks. For her to not scowl and snark at me every time she deigns to speak to me.

We finish our lunch, my mom gushing over her stupid cats and where she’s going to put them when we get home. I nod along and smile when I should. When we’re finally back home I tell her I’m going to take a bubble bath and a nap to reset.

“Oh, that’s a great idea.” She says brightly. “That’ll do you some good, and I know you’ll feel so much better after some relaxation time.” She says those last two words like I’m going to the spa and not to soak in water as hot as I can stand it, but you know what, it’s just what I need.

The bathroom steams up as the hot water fills the tub.

I deliberate for a bit, trying to decide if I want the lavender or eucalyptus bath salts.

Ultimately deciding lavender is the better choice.

The hot water feels so good as I slip into the tub, hoping that this will ease the tension inside of me.

This. This is what I need. To just be alone with myself and to, I don’t know, let go of all this anxiety and guilt I feel whenever I think about Sage.

Sage and her fucking beautiful face. Sage and her insanely hot tattoos and hair and ugh! Why can’t she just, let the past go?

The sound of my phone vibrating against the side of the tub breaks me from my spiral and I let out a slightly annoyed grunt when I see it’s Liam.

“Hey.” I say, putting the call on speaker and sink deeper into the water, letting it lap at my chin.

“Uh, hey.”

“Liam. Why are you calling me?”

I hear him clear his throat. “I, uh. I just miss you, Em. It’s weird not seeing you every day. I’m so used to sharing a space with you, I’ve just felt off kilter. I know you’ve been there a few weeks now, but you’re still my best friend. I just wanted to check in. Sorry, I can let you go.”

Guilt hits me in the gut at the sound of pain in his tone.

I’m being a bitch, and I do miss him too.

He is my best friend, and maybe he has some advice for me.

He knows me better than anyone at this point, he’ll know how to help.

“No, I’m sorry. I’m having a bad day, I didn’t mean to take my attitude out on you. I’m glad you called.”

“Ah.” He says with a soft chuckle. “Lemme have it. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t even know where to start.” I huff. “It started okay, going thrifting with my mom for more of those friggin cats. Dude, when I tell you they’re taking over the living room. And then, she had the gall to tell me I was being surly .”

“Well, were you?”

“That’s beside the point. Anyway, she managed to weasel what’s bothering me out of me and now I’m just feeling really heavy things about it. So I’m soaking them all away.”

“And what exactly are these things you’re trying to soak away?”

“I’ll sound like a broken hearted middle schooler.”

“ Emma .”

“Ugh, fine! There’s someone here from my past that hasn’t been the most welcoming.

And, I really hate it. I don’t like it when people don’t like me, you know that.

And I keep trying to get in her good graces, but it isn’t working.

And— And she’s just so cold, Liam. Like actually vicious.

It’s like trying to talk to a wild animal sometimes. ”

He’s quiet for a second, and I know he’s collecting his thoughts. He’s never one to speak without considering all the information. Especially when he’s going to ask a heavy question. “Why wouldn’t she like you, Em?”

“I did something stupid in college. I— I fucked up and now I don’t know how to fix it. And I need to fix this.”

I try to swallow the knot in my throat. I can’t stand this anymore.

It’s been over a decade, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about that moment over and over again.

I missed her friendship so much, and now that I’ve grown and come to terms with my sexuality, I know that I panicked because I liked her more than I thought I should at the time.

Seeing her now too, it’s only solidified all of that.

We don’t really know each other anymore, but I want to know her.

So badly. I want to hear her laugh, see her smile.

Anything but the dead eyed looks she gives me now.

I know that I should move on, let Sage feel however she’s going to feel about me.

But I can’t stop feeling incredibly unsettled by that thought.

I know that it’s normal to not feel good when anyone doesn’t like you, but this feels different.

I need Sage to forgive me. It’s an obsession at this point.

“Have you apologized to her?”

“Of course— Okay, well not exactly.” I say and cringe. “I swear I have tried. A few times now, but she won’t let me get the words out. Any time I try to talk to her she shuts it down before I can even get a chance to try.”

“I have known you for a very long time, Em. And you are a lot of things, but a quitter isn’t one of them.

I’ve never met anyone as tenacious as you are, and I know that if anyone can get someone to like them, it’s you.

You just need to apologize, make her listen to you and really grovel, and I’m sure it’ll be the olive branch you need to start mending things with her. ”

“Who doesn’t love a good grovel.” I say with a self deprecating laugh. “Thanks, Liam. I won’t give up. I miss you, you should try to come visit soon. My mom would love to see you.” I say with a cackle. “She’ll introduce you to all of the new kittens she bought today.”

He laughs loudly. “You leave her alone. I can’t wait for her to tell me their names.”

“Do not encourage her.” I say and smile to myself. “Thank you, for being my best friend. Even after everything. I’m really lucky to have you.”

“Always, Em.” He says softly. “Call me next week, okay? Let me know how everything goes with this mystery woman. You didn’t even tell me her name.”

“Oh. Um, it’s Sage.”

“Sage.” He says softly. “Well, I can’t wait for you to tell me all about how things are working out. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Yeah, talk to you soon. Bye, Liam.”

The call clicks off and I duck my head under the warm bath water.

Liam’s right. I am tenacious. And if there’s one thing I’m not going to give up on it’s making Sage forgive me.

One way or another I’m going to get my apology out and I’m going to get her to talk to me.

Now, I just need to figure out how to do that without her trying to bite my head off again.

Even if her attitude makes her even hotter.