Page 54 of Revealing Mark

“Tracy.”

It was Mark. His voice reached inside me and I felt the welling up of emotion.

“Just let us know you’re okay.” I wanted to be able to do as he asked, but everything took more effort than I could muster.

“If you don’t say something, I’m going to break the fucking door down.”

With that threat, I dragged myself to my feet and walked over to the door.

“Go away,” I said hoarsely, unable to pretend everything was fine.

“Let me in.”

I leaned my cheek against the door and closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to but, for a moment, I imagined what it would feel like to let someone into my hell to ease the burden, but I couldn’t.

“No. Please, go away. Tell everyone…I’m fine. I don’t want my parents to know there is anything wrong.” I didn’t want them to know I knew about their secret and feared them discovering the lawyer’s visit would alert them. When I confronted them, it would be on my own terms and when I was ready.

“They don’t know anything. What happened, Tracy?” he asked, and I remained quiet. “Does it have to do with the guy who came by?”

My head snapped away from the door like he had slapped me, and I backed a step away.

“Are you in trouble?” he pleaded.

I rubbed my hands over my face.

“I can help you, whatever it is.”

The pain washed over me like a wave. No one could fix this. My throat burned.

“You can’t help me,” I said loud enough so he would be able to hear me through the door. I needed him to leave. I couldn’t pretend to be okay when I had unknowingly lived a lie my entire life.

“Tracy, you’re scaring me.” The hoarseness in his voice pushed me forward and put my hand to the door handle.

“I need time and space.”

There were several seconds of silence.

“I don’t want to leave you, but I will. If that’s what you need.”

I swallowed as the tears returned.

“It is.”

When I heard him retreat, I felt relieved that I would have the time I needed. Pushing me on this would only make things worse, for everyone.

Sophie called later that day and I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. What would I say?

The sister I loved was only my half-sibling. It shouldn’t matter but, to me, it did. I felt like more of an outsider than ever before.

Once the pain and shock began to wear off, I felt anger at my mother. It was impossible not to feel she was responsible for this. If she hadn’t had the affair, then I wouldn’t be in the predicament I was. Then I thought about the father I never knew. I couldn’t feel anything but sadness at never having had the chance to meet him. That had been taken away from me.

I thought about searching my real father’s name on the internet to see what I could find but I didn’t know if I was ready for that yet. I was too raw and I couldn’t take much more.

I thought back through my childhood memories, trying to find possible clues, but there had been none other than the fact I didn’t really look like my siblings. My parents had alwaystreated me differently than my siblings. Had they been trying to make up for the lie by showering me with more attention and love?

Two days later I worked up the courage to call Gabriel again and set up another meeting. This time I was better prepared, although it was still emotional, and this time I opted for his office.

“You are to inherit a sizeable portion of your father’s estate.”