Page 53 of Resisting the Temptation (Broken Shelves #3)

Emma

A fter dinner, where everyone took turns giving updates on their lives, my cousins and I clean up the kitchen while the guys run to grab ice cream for dessert.

I know they’re giving us privacy so us girls and Talmage can catch up with each other, but I can’t help the way my heart twinges when Ben walks out the door.

I also can’t help the bitter sting of jealousy watching Wes kiss Elli, Luke give Izzy a kiss on the cheek, and Morgan give Hannah a forehead kiss before they leave. Ben gave my arm a quick squeeze, and I could tell my cousins have questions about it.

Sure enough, as soon we see the headlights retreat from the driveway, Elli whips around and says, “Spill it, Emma.”

I sigh from where I’m putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

I avoided talking about how Ben and I met and our rocky history at dinner because I’m embarrassed. Not of Ben and not of our kinky sex life but of how cautious—let’s be real, scared—I am. How I’m lying to people by saying he’s my boyfriend when I don’t even know what we are.

“Yeah, what’s the deal with you two?” Izzy asks.

“We’re not actually dating. We’re just coworkers… having fun?” I know Izzy is almost nineteen, but the last time I saw her she wasn’t even a teenager, so I don’t know how explicit I can be.

Izzy rolls her eyes. “Please don’t think you have to spare the details because of me. I lost my virginity as soon as I got to Texas.”

“Isabelle!” Elli scolds, but Hannah and I chuckle.

“Oh puh-lease, Els. You think I can’t hear you and Wes through the walls of our shared apartment?” Izzy drops her voice to mimic Wes’s. “ So good for me, baby. You like it when I spank this—”

Elli smacks her palm over Izzy’s mouth, her face red as a tomato while Hannah and I crack up laughing.

“We don’t need a reenactment of my sex life, Iz.”

Izzy must lick Elli’s palm because she pulls back with a gag and wipes her hand on Izzy’s arm while Izzy grins deviously.

My heart lurches. I envy their relationship. I’m not close with any of my sisters.

“I’m just saying, Emma doesn’t need to be so vague. It’s clear there’s sexual tension between them. I’d be shocked if they hadn’t fucked—sorry for the language, Talmage.”

Talmage’s face is a little pink, but he just waves her off. “All good. Tonight, I’m one of the gals—uh, you know what I mean. ”

“Fine, we’re just friends with benefits,” I finally admit.

Hannah snorts. “Right. All friends with benefits make a twelve-hour drive to a different state for a funeral of a person they didn’t know. Emma, that man does not want to be your friend. He wants you to take his last name.”

“We agreed this is only sex. There’s no way he sees me as more. He knows—and you all know—I don’t do relationships. As soon as we’re sick of each other, we’ll end it. No harm, no foul.” I don’t even believe myself at this point.

“And then what? You’ll just see each other every day at work and pretend nothing happened?” Elli asks.

I truly haven’t thought that far ahead. I haven’t wanted to. I haven’t wanted to think about this ending because I know it’s going to hurt like a bitch. It’s going to wreck me, and I’ll have to go on like nothing ever happened.

I swallow a sip of the hard cider I never finished at dinner. “Yeah. Probably.”

“Emma, you’re being dumb,” Izzy deadpans.

I scoff. “Okay, rude. I’m not being dumb.”

“Then at the very least you have blinders on because I agree with Hannah,” Elli chimes in. “You didn’t see the way he was looking at you at dinner.”

“H-how was he looking at me?”

“The same way Wes looks at Elli. The same way Morgan looks at Hannah. But not the same way Luke looks at Izzy only because I think comparing him to a nineteen-year-old is a little weird. No offense,” Talmage says the last part to Izzy, and she just waves off his apology.

That can’t be true. Can it ?

Wes looks at Elli like every love song in existence was written specifically for her. Morgan looks at Hannah like she hung the moon. Both men are completely obsessed with their partners.

“We haven’t even kissed,” I blurt out, and all four jaws drop.

“What do you mean you haven’t even kissed? How are you fucking if you aren’t kissing?” Izzy shrieks. It’s still weird to hear her curse.

“You don’t have to kiss to have sex. We just… skip that part and get straight to the good stuff. I haven’t kissed anyone in four years, and it works just fine.”

“Four years? ” they all say in unison.

“It’s not that big of a deal!” I state.

“Making out is the best part of foreplay! When the kisses turn messy and harsh, all lips and teeth and tongue. When touches get greedy and desperate…” Elli trails off, her eyes taking on a glassy look.

Talmage’s face is turning redder by the second, and I’m wondering if he regrets staying now.

“I have to agree. Kissing is severely underrated. And I’ve only kissed two people in my entire life,” Hannah adds.

“Why are you so afraid of kissing? Or relationships?” Izzy asks.

Damn, they’re hitting me with the hard questions. I explain my thinking. How kissing leads to feelings, and feelings lead to heartbreak.

“It’s just safer.”

Hannah, Elli, and Izzy are looking at me with matching pitying expressions, and I can’t stand it. They don’t understand. They all have amazing partners who practically fell into their laps.

Sure, Hannah’s ex-husband was an absolute piece of shit, and Elli doesn’t have a stellar dating past, but both of their experiences lead them to the men they’re with. Izzy was lucky enough to find “the one” in high school. That’s so rare.

I know Talmage was engaged a year or so ago, but I don’t know if he’s dated anyone since. I wonder if he feels like me.

“I know you’ve been burned in the past, but take it from two people who didn’t want to see what was right in front of them.” Elli motions to herself and Hannah. “The best thing we ever did was take a chance on our guys.”

Hannah nods her agreement. “Ben’s a good guy, Emma. I don’t think you have to worry about him breaking your heart.”

“Take a chance on love. And for God’s sake, put that man out of his misery and let him kiss you!” Izzy adds.

“I have to agree with them, Emma. You’ll regret it if you let him go. Don’t wake up years from now wondering ‘what if?’” Talmage sounds like he’s speaking from experience.

“We’re circling back to that in a minute,” Izzy whispers to Talmage.

Maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s time to finally let someone in. Ben’s already shown up for me more than anyone else I’ve seriously dated.

“I don’t know how to let him in,” I admit quietly.

All four of them wrap me up in a group hug as tears rim my lash line .

“Talk to him. Tell him how you’re feeling. A relationship is built on trust, so trust he’ll see the darkest parts of you and still want you.”

I hope they’re right. He’s already seen more of me than I’ve shown anyone in a long time, and he hasn’t run. That’s got to mean something.

“Okay, fine. I’ll take a chance. Can we move on and talk about Talmage now?” I joke, and Talmage shakes his head.

“No, thanks. My love life is non-existent. Just work, work, work.” He laughs awkwardly.

“Nope. You’re clearly trying to work through something, so spit it out, dude.” Izzy pats his shoulder reassuringly.

Talmage’s shoulders slump. “I’m just… tired of the dating thing, I guess.

When my engagement ended, I was relieved because we weren’t very compatible, but I was dreading the idea of dating again.

My parents are on my case about getting married.

I hate that I’m still in the Young Single Adult ward because so many of the women are a good six years younger than me—some are a whole decade younger.

I don’t want to date someone younger than twenty-five.

And…” he trails off and rubs his hand over his mouth.

“And...” I prompt.

“You guys are happy? Even though you’re not in the church?” He looks at each one of us like he’s looking for validation.

All four of us know what it’s like to want to leave but worry our lives will get worse if we do. We all know it takes a lot of strength to finally free ourselves from the dead weight of the church .

Talmage doesn’t seem like he’s asking because he wants to judge us. He sounds like he’s looking for answers he hasn’t been able to find.

“My life’s never been fuller or happier,” Hannah answers, and we all nod in agreement.

“Sure, our lives aren’t perfect, but they wouldn’t be perfect in the church either,” I add.

“But don’t you guys miss your families? Don’t you miss the community or—or the sense of safety in the church?”

“I mean, not if my family’s love comes with conditions,” Elli says. “I found a family—a community—with Wes’s friends. It’s much healthier and more reliable than the one I grew up in. And I think I speak for all of us when I say the church wasn’t a safe place for us.”

Talmage’s eyebrows shoot to his hairline, and his mouth drops open. “What do you mean it wasn’t a safe place for you?”

The four of us each had different experiences in the church, but the result is the same: the church hates women.

“I was blamed for having multiple miscarriages. They said it was because I wasn’t worthy,” Hannah explains.

“I was told if I lost weight, I’d have a better chance of getting a husband,” Elli adds, and Hannah and I murmur our agreement.

“I had to have meetings with the bishop every month between when Elli left and I moved out because everyone was worried Elli would ‘steer me down the wrong path,’” Izzy admits.

Talmage looks at me, and I debate keeping this to myself, but I think he deserves to know.

“I was told it was my fault I was raped. My rapist and I went through the repentance process at the same time, and he was able to obtain a temple recommend in less than two months, but I wasn’t even allowed to take the sacrament until three months later.

I was labelled as a risk and wasn’t able to serve a mission. ”

Izzy and Talmage both gasp. They’re the only ones who didn’t already know. I’m sure there were whispers around the family, but no one knows the full story because no one really cares enough to ask.

“Are you serious?” Talmage whispers.

“Unfortunately. I’m going to be blunt with you, cousin. The church is only a safe place for white men. Specifically, wealthy , straight, white men. But it’s not a safe place for women or people of color. Not even children. The church protects itself and its assets before protecting the members.”

Talmage looks like he’s just been served raw chicken with a side of moldy bread and an uncooked potato.

“I knew it sucked, women not having the opportunity for priesthood, but… I didn’t realize…”

Izzy pats him on the back almost condescendingly. “The system doesn’t seem broken to those who benefit from it. Sounds like you’ve got some research to do.”

Talmage just nods. “Yeah. I guess I do.”