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CHAPTER TWENTY

JULIET

“You’re a traitor, you know that?” I holler after Lodhi as he saunters away, ditching Paige and me for the epic cat room Ford had made for him.

Yes. He turned his entire second guest bedroom into a freaking cat room.

The damn man isn’t even here and he’s already bribing my cat to like him. So now there is Ford’s room. My room. And Lodhi’s room. There’s a platform for him to lounge in the sun and watch birds fly by. Not to mention three towers and a maze of planks on the wall for him to practice kitty parkour.

“I mean can you blame him?” Paige shoves another bite of zucchini lasagna into her mouth, a satisfying moan escaping her followed by a sharp inhale as she tries to battle the piping hot cheese.

She’s right. I can’t blame Lodhi for loving this place. It’s only been four days, and I’m just as big a traitor considering the amount of cooking I have done in this kitchen. And don’t even get me started on the bathroom. I’d forgotten how unbelievably relaxing it is to have a tub that’s deep enough to fill with water and cover my entire body. It’s made all the difference in battling the aches after the long days at both jobs.

I toss Paige a napkin to wipe the cheese dripping down her chin. “You know you’re going to have to eventually learn to cook for yourself.”

She ignores the napkin and licks the cheese from her chin before taking another bite. “Until then, I have you.”

“As long as I have a kitchen to cook in you mean.” There’s no way I could have made this in my apartment. The stove never actually made it to the right temperature and with only one burner on the stove, it would have taken forever.

I wanted to hate the idea of moving in here, even for a short period of time, but it’s been nice. Ford thought of everything we could possibly want or need. He even stocked the pantry with gluten free snacks for me. I don’t know how he did it in twenty-four hours, but then again, I’ve seen what money can do in a short amount of time.

I’ll never forget the time Tyler decided he wanted to decorate for Christmas on the twenty-fourth of December after telling me all month it was a commercialized holiday, and we wouldn’t be supporting it. That was the only time in the later years of our marriage my tears inspired him into action. He paid five times what it should have cost, but he made it happen. We stayed up late drinking hot chocolate and reminiscing about the big Christmas Eve parties my parents used to throw when we were in high school. He kissed me tenderly and made love to me under the lights of the tree.

A soft sigh escapes me. It’s the last happy Christmas I remember.

“Oh no. You’re going wistful on me. What’s going through that head of yours?”

For a split second I debate deflecting, but something pushes me to let Paige in. “I think I miss having someone to share my life with.”

She gives me a wry side eye glance. “Thanks, asshole.”

I tilt my head and deadpan. “Oh come on. You know you’re my best friend.”

“Damn straight I am.” She pretends to toss her hair over her shoulders despite the fact it’s pulled up on top of her head. “Even if it is by force.”

“What I mean is there are times I miss having someone to share the quiet moments with. I miss having that connection. It’s been so long since I’ve just been comfortable with someone and not having to walk on eggshells.”

She gives me a look that says really? Are we still not talking about how you spend hours in this apartment with a certain baseball player that has bent over backwards to make you feel comfortable.

Nope, we definitely aren’t.

“Okay.” She stretches the word out. “Is this you telling me you’re ready to take the plunge and maybe consider dating again?”

“Maybe?” My voice curls up at the end, resulting in it coming out as more of a question than statement.

Paige squeals and shoves her plate out of the way so she can jump up on the kitchen island. She slides across and sits next to me, bouncing like a teenager at a sleepover waiting for all the juicy gossip. She pulls her phone from her pocket and starts tapping away. When she finally looks up at me, I’m surprised to see her face is stone serious.

“Before I get too excited.” She pauses, clearly unaware we’re already past that point. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I think so.” There’s probably less confidence than there should be, but really, I think it’s a good step for me.

Paige takes my hand in hers and gives it a squeeze. “What I mean is,I’m ready to jump headfirst and live vicariously through you and your soon to be amazing dating life, but I want you to be sure this is what you want. I know it hasn’t been that long since Tyler died, and this past year has been an incredible healing journey for you. But you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. There’s no timeline on grief.”

“Such wise words,” I tease.

“I’m serious, Etta.”

I am too. I mean it wasn’t on my bingo card for the year, but then again neither was gaining financial freedom from Tyler’s debt or getting out of that dingy little apartment. It’s amazing how change can inspire more change, like a snowball rolling downhill. The momentum keeps going until it’s an avalanche. It may be daunting as all hell, but I’m ready to be that incredible force in my life and change the landscape.

“I think I need to.” I jump up onto the kitchen island beside her, loving the unconventional place to have a conversation. Dropping my head onto her shoulder, I inhale deep and exhale my anxieties. “For too long I’ve lived by everyone else’s rules. First my father, who wanted me to be the legacy of our family and take over the restaurant. Then when I married Tyler, he became less my husband and more of my keeper. Even in his death he controlled me. I’ve always had bigger dreams for myself, but I lost sight of them. But now I’m debt free.” I wince. Mostly. Except for what I owe Ford. But that doesn’t feel as heavy as the debts of my past. “I want to explore the world. I want to follow my passions. And despite all that Tyler put me through, my masochistic hopeless romantic heart still wants to find love. Real love.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to add not what Tyler gave me . But I can’t. Once upon a time I truly think he loved me in the way I deserved. But it didn’t last. Maybe love isn’t meant to. But I have to believe it can. If I don’t then I feel like I might lose that part of my soul and resolve to become a bitter old cat lady.

I want more than that.

Paige wraps her arm around me and drops her head onto mine. “I love your little romantic heart. And I’m glad Tyler is dead, because if he wasn’t I’d kill him myself.”

“You’re so violent.”

“Only for my bestie.” She gives me a gentle squeeze and lets go. “Plus, you know you’d help me hide the body.”

“Reluctantly.”

“That’s not a no so I’ll take it.”

I smile. When we met, I didn’t think we’d ever get here, but I’m glad Paige pushed through and stuck around.

“Now.” She pulls up her phone and hands it to me. “Scan this code with your phone, and we’ll get you a profile on Opalescent.”

“Opalescent?” I grab my phone off the counter and do as she says, seeing a white app with a rainbow border and a tiny little crystal symbol in the center appear.

Paige reaches over and clicks download. “It’s a high-end dating app that vets their clients.”

I raise a brow at her. “And how exactly do you know about this high-end dating app?”

Paige winks. “It’s how I met Anthony.”

“It is?” There’s definitely more of a story there. I hop down from the island and spin, resting my elbows on the counter and my chin in my hands. “Do tell.”

She smiles, like she’s been dying for this moment, but then suddenly narrows her gaze and shoves a finger in my face. “If you breathe a word of this to Franny, I’ll skin you.”

I move my hand across my pressed mouth. “My lips are sealed.”

“Anthony was a client of mine before we started dating. He never actually watched me clean. We just talked. He would tell me about his dating woes on Opalescent and then wax poetic about how amazing it would be if I wasn’t his cleaning lady, and he could just date me. I told him to add me to the app and fire me. He matched with me an hour later, and the rest is history.”

Paige reaches out and pushes her finger under my jaw, closing my mouth.

History indeed. The two of them are magic. Meeting each other’s weird quirks in a way that can’t be anything other than destiny. They’re perfect for each other.

“I love that,” I say and glance down at the app. A horde of hornets takes flight in my belly as the tiny crystal symbol flips over and over signaling the app loading.

I’m really doing this.

“We’re going to find that for you too,” Paige promises.

I wish I had her confidence, because mine leaves the moment the app asks me for my name and what type of relationship I’m looking for.

Maybe I’m not ready.

“I’m not sure I want that kind of love.” Not yet. Maybe never. “I’ll settle for someone who will meet me for coffee and indulge my record buying habits.” Mostly I just don’t want to be alone. Even married, I spent so many years surviving on my own. I don’t want to go back to that. But I also don’t want to be someone’s everything. I need my space to be me.

“Baby steps.” Paige takes the phone from my hand and starts typing away. “Now let’s get you all set up so we can get to the fun part.”

“And what’s that?”

“Swiping.”

* * *

Two hours later and a bottle of wine, we moved from the kitchen to the couch after an almost disaster including my face and the corner of a butcher block cutting board, but according to Paige my dating profile is complete.

Paige should give up cleaning and be a matchmaker. People would pay good money for her insight. Heck, I’d date me based on this profile.

“Alright.” She thrusts my phone at me. “Go forth and swipe to your heart’s content.”

I stare at the phone like it’s grown hands and will pinch me the moment I grab it.

This is it.

The first step of a new chapter.

“I already set your presets based on what we talked about. Every guy that appears will all be looking for something casual that could become something more. And they’re into only women. Singular. Not looking to throw you into a poly situation just yet.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.”

A half smile tips the right side of her mouth. “Never say never.”

My eyes go wide and my jaw drops. “You?”

Paige cackles and nods behind her wine glass. “Before Anthony.”

There’s a part of me that wants to ask questions, but I’m not sure where to start so I keep them to myself and pin her with a conspiratorial smile. “The things I’m learning about you today.”

Paige pops her shoulders and looks out the window. “You’ve never asked before.”

Her words suck up the playful nature that surrounded the room, and replaced it with a soft punch to the gut.

Anxiety grips my spine as I quickly try to work through what to say or how to fix this. I don’t want to lose her. She might be the most unconventional friend I’ve ever had, but she’s mine.

“I’m sorry, Paige.” I haven’t been the best friend to her. I haven’t been present. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself for so long, and before that it was Tyler. So much of my adult life has been dictated by him that I’m not sure I know how to be a good friend at all.

“I-I promise I’ll be better,” I stammer. “Especially now that I don’t have to work all these crazy hours to make those payments. I’ll be a better friend.”

Paige holds her hands up in surrender. “Whoa, Etta. No. That’s not what I meant. You don’t need to apologize. That was shitty of me to throw at you. What I meant is I’m happy you asked. I want you to ask. It wasn’t a slight. It was me getting emotional because I’m happy we’ve reached a point that you’re willing to ask. I know you’ve been through the wringer. You’ve been through more in the last ten years than most people experience in a lifetime. I’ve been patiently waiting for you to trust me enough to have these kinds of conversations. For you to feel like you can trust me enough that you can invest in me too.”

My brow furrows and I search her face, finding nothing but kindness in her eyes. “I don’t understand. You’ve been waiting for me to trust you enough to ask about you?”

“I’ve been where you are. In a place where fight or flight is the norm. Where investing in people feels like it’s too much because they will inevitably turn on you or use you. It’s easier not to ask questions or get too invested and safer to only share the parts of you that are absolutely necessary in order to survive.”

“I—” I don’t know what to say. Thankfully, Paige continues.

“I will forever hold your stories with the utmost respect. All I’m saying is now you’re trusting me enough to hold my stories, too, and it’s a beautiful thing.”

My throat tightens as I blink away my tears. “Thank you” is all I choke out, shame and joy fighting for space in my throat.

“No crying.” She swats her hand at me playfully, blinking away tears of her own. “It’s a happy day. One that is soon to be filled with pictures of delicious men, and if we’re lucky, a dick pic or two.”

And just like that Paige has thwarted a moment that would usually send me into a spiral and turn it around.

“You’re right.” I hate that this is a process. One that is full of ups and downs. Leaps forward and steps back. It’s not just my romantic life that is healing after grief. It’s every aspect of me. And like Paige said, it has no timeline.

That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could snap my fingers and be okay.

I force a smile, determined to share this momentous occasion with my best friend and not let a single thought of the last year ruin it.

“Of course I’m right,” Paige says, lifting her finger like it’s a prized show horse. “Now let’s get swiping.”

I pull up the app and hit the button, bringing up a feed that is supposed to be filled with the men who will suit me best in this city. Paige bounces beside me while we wait for the first profile to load. When it finally does, though, I’m convinced it must be broken.

My jaw drops at the same time Paige breathes an entertaining, “Holy shit.”

Because the first man Opalescent deems to be my perfect match is none other than my former brother-in-law and current roommate, Ford McCoy. Only his name says Eugene Folkmore.

Paige chuckles. “He could have picked a better alias.”

She’s right. It’s a terrible name for meeting women. Then again, I’d bet money his name doesn’t really matter with the photo he picked.

He’s shirtless holding a freaking puppy. It looks like something straight from one of the league calendar shoots. In fact, I’d bet money it is. But it’s doing its job.

Shit, am I really sitting here considering how sexy Ford looks with his wind-swept hair and dazzling smile while holding a damn St. Bernard?

He’s Tyler’s brother. I can’t possibly think he’s attractive.

But he’s your friend now, remember?

God, I hate my conscience sometimes.

It doesn’t matter.

I swallow hard and hit the settings button. “I think we need to adjust the parameters to rule out any athletes.”

“I did that already. It says here he’s a sports enthusiast.”

“Of course it does.”

“I mean.” Paige clicks back to his profile and the image of Ford once again fills my screen. “He does meet all your requirements. And you guys are friends, right?”

I throw a hand up. “I’m going to stop you right there. It doesn’t matter how perfect the app thinks we are, it’s wrong.”

She shrugs, a knowing smile tipping her lips. “I’m just saying, there are worse guys out there for a first match.”

She’s not wrong. I was married to one of them.

“He’s not an option.”

And that’s final. We’re friends. Family. That’s what he said. Family doesn’t date family.

“Understood.” She swipes his photo to the left and another populates.

“How do you feel about musicians?”