Page 14 of Redeemed Wolf (Grim Wilds #4)

Chapter 14

Carter

I woke up at the crack of dawn, the sky outside the window still in its shift from black to blue, shades of peach teasing over the rooftops across the street. My limbs were loose, and I was more relaxed than I had ever been in my entire life. I was all too aware of the man’s chest pressed to my back, his arm heavy around my waist. His breath tickled the back of my neck with each breath, and for one glorious moment, I allowed myself to believe that this was real. That he was mine and this was our bed.

But then reality came knocking. My skin was itchy with dried sweat, and the memories of last night began to rise to the surface.

What have I done?

I had sex with Silas. I lost my virginity to Silas. That was supposed to be a big life decision, waiting for the right partner, maybe even marriage, but last night, I hadn’t given one thought to what it meant. All I knew was that it had felt good to have his attention, to have his hands, his lips, on me. We’d made promises to each other about a future, but now… it felt more like a dream.

Last night, I hadn’t been myself. I wasn’t impulsive like that, I wasn’t passionate. I was analytical, always. Was it the wine we had with dinner? Was I drunk, was that it? Oh gods, or did it have something to do with stopping my meds? Hormone fluctuations when changing medications made sense. Of course! I went home with Silas last night because my body was going through withdrawal. It was the only rational explanation.

But now what? Did I lead him on? Shit, was I a tease? He was going to wake up soon, and when I thought of how he might look at me in the light of day, my stomach twisted tight with anxiety. I couldn’t do it.

Keeping my movements slow, I lifted Silas’s arm and slipped out from under it. He grunted in his sleep. “Again?” he asked, but his eyes remained closed, and after a minute, his breathing evened out, asleep once more.

Again , he’d asked. Because I hadn’t just lost my virginity to him. No, it had been far more than just the one time. We’d had sex multiple times through the night. Oh gods, he’d given me the most explosive blow job. Shame brought a blush to my cheeks as the memories flashed through my mind. Shit. The things I’d said, the sounds I’d made!

Choking down a groan, I rubbed a hand down my face, my whiskers rasping my palms, which made me think of Silas’s whiskers on my thighs as I rode his face.

I needed to get the hell out of here, right this second.

Collecting clothes from the floor where we’d discarded them, I tiptoed to the bathroom where I quickly washed up in the sink. My reflection caught my attention, and I winced, bracing myself for what I would see when I looked at myself. I remembered the suction as Silas left marks all down my neck and chest. How was I supposed to explain that to my dad when I saw him? But when I looked into the mirror, I was stunned by how… normal I looked. There were no hickies, no scratches, no bruises of any kind. I turned to examine my back, remembering the way he’d dragged his nails down my flesh, but there wasn’t a single mark that I could find, like they’d all just spontaneously healed.

What the fuck? Last night was feeling more and more like a fever dream. Maybe I was sick…

My underwear was not fit to be worn again, but I threw on the rest of my clothes as quickly as I could then crept toward the door.

“Leaving so soon?” a voice said, and I clamped a hand over my mouth to keep in my shriek.

There was a man sitting on the couch, his long dark hair draped over his shoulders. He looked like a character out of a biker show, with a massive beard and lots of tattoos covering his forearms and disappearing into the sleeves of his t-shirt, stretched tight over his broad chest.

“Who the hell are you?” I whisper-yelled.

“Pacey. It’s nice to meet you, Carter.” He lifted his mug to his lips, sipping at his steaming coffee.

My mouth gaped, wondering how he knew my name, but when it registered that this was Silas’s roommate, I panicked instead about what time he’d come home last night. How much did he hear? I hadn’t exactly been quiet.

Pacey gestured to the kitchen. “There’s fresh coffee.”

“Uh, no. Thanks. I should… go.” I hiked a thumb over my shoulder as I shuffled toward the door.

“Silas won’t like that you snuck out.” Why did that sound like a threat? Was he planning on stopping me from leaving?

I took another step toward the exit. “Yeah, well, Silas can tell me himself at work.” We stared at each other for a long moment, but when he didn’t seem to have anything else to say, I reached behind me to open the door, then slipped out into the hall. I breathed a long sigh of relief. Free at last.

As I walked back to the restaurant where I’d left my car, though, I felt this strange sensation in my chest, this intense longing . Even as I moved forward, one foot in front of the other, I had the nearly uncontrollable urge to turn back. I heard a whine, like the sound a dog would make when injured, but when I looked around, there was nothing there. No dog, but no people either. Did I make that sound?

Mate, Silas, go back .

Gritting my teeth and forcing my way forward, I stomped through the empty lot to my car, flung open the door, and dropped into the seat, my chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath. It felt like I’d run a marathon instead of just walked down the street.

My phone pinged with a text, and I remembered I’d left it in the car’s console. I fished it out and found the screen filled with notifications. A dozen missed calls and too many texts from my dad to count. Shit.

I sent my dad a quick text telling him not to worry, that my phone had died but I would see him at work. Then I drove straight to the lab. What I needed now was a distraction. My brain was all over the place—or rather, it was only one place, on Silas, but I needed to forget about him. This level of obsession wasn’t healthy.

I was never at the lab this early. I didn’t even recognize the guard on the night shift. The parking lot was deserted, and I was grateful to have the place to myself. I took a long, hot shower and grabbed the change of clothes I’d left in my locker. By the time I sat down at my station, I felt almost like myself. Almost… except for the nagging voice demanding I go back to Silas’s bed. I wished I could say that didn’t sound like a great idea.

Dad came storming in, his eyes fiery. “Carter, do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? You left work and then stopped answering texts and calls.”

I shrugged. “I said I was sorry. It’s not like I let the battery die on purpose.” I should’ve felt guilty about lying to my dad, but I was an adult, not a child. I was totally capable of taking care of myself, but he was always going to treat me like a baby. Maybe if he’d given me a little freedom before now, I would’ve already lost my virginity, and I wouldn’t be stuck on Silas like some kind of addict.

His eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he crossed the lab and leaned his hip against the desk beside me, crossing his arms over his chest. “You’re telling me your phone died? That’s it? That’s all that happened?”

“Yeah. Not sure what else you want me to say? I would promise it won’t happen again, but it might. I am human, after all.”

He seemed to flinch, then took a deep breath. “Fine, but you know you can talk to me if anything else is going on, right?”

“Of course.” I forced myself to look him straight in the eye until he finally stood up and made to leave. He was my dad, not my keeper. It would be weird if I shared my sex life with him. It was none of his business.

While I watched him leave, though, I had a brief moment of panic. I might not want to tell him about my night with Silas, but he could help me get back onto even footing. “Hey, Dad?” I called, stalling him before he was out the door.

“Yeah?” He turned and came back toward me.

“The nightmares… they’re back,” I said, picking a familiar symptom, one he wouldn’t second-guess. “They don’t seem to be getting better. Do you think you can adjust the dosage on my meds?”

“Of course,” he said, nodding. “I’ll get you some new pills by lunchtime. Can it wait that long?”

“Mm-hm, I’ll be fine until then.” I was caught somewhere between relief and regret, my head reeling and my heart torn. Would it be enough to change the way I felt about Silas? Did I want it to be? Would he be mad when he found out what I’d done? “Thanks, Dad.” I gave him a tight smile.

“You know I only want what’s best for you, right?” he said, his eyes too perceptive as he scanned me head to toe, as if he could see the voice in my head. “Everything I’ve done, it’s to help you.”

“I know.”

He waited one last second, then strode out of the room, on a mission.

My phone buzzed in my pocket with an incoming text, and I reached instinctively for it, only to pause, hand hovering in midair. It was Silas, I just knew it. He wanted to know where I was, if I was okay. His roommate would’ve no doubt told him where I went. I could too easily imagine at this very second that Silas was racing to get to work. I thought of how possessive he’d been last night, the way he’d growled and called me his. He would be watching for me today, waiting to ambush me at lunchtime.

Three more texts came through before Sandra arrived half an hour later. “Morning, Carter. How was your night? Do anything fun?” she asked. I couldn’t remember a single time she’d asked me that before.

“Uh, no, not really. Just got some Italian for dinner.” That wasn’t a lie. “You?”

“Nope, just stayed in and watched a movie with my boyfriend. What about you, anyone special in your life?”

Was it just me or was she watching me extra closely?

“Not yet. Maybe one day.” I turned away and made it obvious that I was in the mood to work. Instead of putting in her earbuds and listening to music, though, as she usually did, she worked in total silence, her eyes flicking to peek at me every few minutes.

Great, a babysitter. Just what I need.

The texts finally stopped coming in, and when I glanced at the clock, I saw it was after nine. Silas would’ve started work by now. Maybe I would get a reprieve. Except once the buzzing had stopped, I found that I missed the texts. I might not have been ready to talk to him yet, but now I missed knowing that he cared enough to check up on me. Had he given up on me already? Didn’t he care about me?

Not knowing what his messages said started to eat at me, this nagging worry that I’d lost something important with Silas. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I discreetly pulled my phone from my pocket and peeked at the screen.

Silas: I missed waking up with you this morning.

Silas: Are you okay? Pacey said you seemed freaked out.

Silas: Are you at work? Can you please tell me you’re okay? Did I do something wrong?

They were all variations of the same concern, until the very last text he’d sent.

Silas: I’m just about to start work. I hope I’ll see you at lunch, but if you need me before then, all you have to do is ask. I’m yours.

I’m yours . Such a simple statement, just two words, but it hit me with the weight of a ten-ton truck running over my chest, then putting it in reverse and backing up to run over me a second time.

It was too much, too soon… right? There was no such thing as love at first sight. It was nothing more than a biochemical reaction, with pheromones and cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline, combining to create an addictive response, much like recreational drugs.

Silas was an addiction, and as much as I craved him, I had to keep my thoughts clear. I couldn’t allow myself to take another hit, or I might just lose myself.

Shoving my phone back in my pocket without answering his texts, I forced myself to stay focused on work. It was a fool’s errand, but I went through the motions anyway. Slide by slide, test by test, until it all blurred together. Sweat dripped down my spine, and my teeth ached from how hard I clenched my jaw. My breath sawed through my throat at my heart’s tight squeeze when I knew for certain that he was nearby. The flicker of movement I saw out in the hall through the windows as he walked by, his eyes burning holes in me, was enough to make my head spin.

I swore I could feel his frustration as keenly as if it were my own.

Second by second, the clock ticked off its countdown until lunch. At 11: 42 my dad came in, wearing a look of smug triumph. He held up a bottle of pills and gave them a shake. “Ta-da!” he said, brandishing them my way. “This should do the trick for you. Say goodbye to those nightmares.”

I took the plastic bottle from him and stared down at it. “Thanks, Dad.” I’d expected to feel more relief, but the voice in my head had turned into a feral snarl, desperately trying to get me back to Silas. A headache began to build as claws seemed to embed in the sides of my skull, an alarm warning me not to take those pills.

He stood there, waiting, as I thumbed off the cap and knocked one into my palm. They were a different color from the last ones, this capsule almost the exact shade of green of Silas’s eyes.

I hesitated. What was I doing?

You’re taking control of your life back, that’s what , I told myself firmly, forcing myself to bring the pill to my lips. My throat spasmed mid-swallow, as if my entire body were trying to rebel against the drug. What did it know that I didn’t?

Dad nodded, smiling. “Great. We’ll talk again tomorrow to see if it helped. Okay?”

“Right…”

Within ten minutes, my limbs started to tingle. The headache eased as the voice in my head faded.

Silas…

And then it was silent. I was alone.

I barely felt a tickling sensation as my face started to go numb, and I reached up and brushed my finger across my cheek, finding it wet with tears. This was what I’d wanted… wasn’t it?