Page 9

8

Kensington

I hear the front door of the cabin slam and his cursed shout echo through the window.

The force of his words sinks me to the bed.

The pain in his eyes was so deep.

He’s hurting. And more than anything, I want to take it away.

But… it doesn’t change anything.

Even if I can find a way to forgive him, he’s still and always will be a Savage Knight.

I climb off the bed, needing the answer to the question that’s been plaguing me since the day I lost him.

He’s sitting on the porch, looking down, reminding me of the boy I saw through my window.

The one looking so lost and sad it nearly ripped my heart out.

I sit down next to him, taking a deep breath and watching the smoke rise as I let it out.

It’s cold, but it’s a welcome change to the heat coursing through my body.

“Why’d you join the club, Sean?” It’s the one thing I never truly understood.

He had a good family.

A good life. And he had me.

Yet, he gave it all up for the Savage Knights.

And I’ve never understood why he wanted them so much.

“At first,” he breathes out slowly, his voice a deep rasp of what it was inside.

“It was admiration. I saw the guys around town, so strong and tough. Powerful.” He shakes his head, looking out into the vast forest. His warm, heavy breaths creating a mist with every word.

“Everyone in town feared them, and as a teenage boy, I thought that was cool as shit. I wanted people to look up to me in that same way. I wanted that kind of respect. To be revered. And I won’t lie. The idea of earning money to fix bikes was a fucking dream. It’s all I wanted to do.”

I remember.

He loved fixing up his granddad’s old bike.

He was so proud of himself for what he’d done.

I could tell that if the choice was his, it’s what he’d do for a living.

But his grandparents wanted him to go to college and get a good job, one making more than minimum wage.

And after all they’d done for him—taking him in and raising him—I know he didn’t want to let them down.

“Once I started going to the club and working on their bikes, the guys started bringing me into the fold, made me feel like I was one of them. It was like I had a bunch of older brothers to hang out with. Taking me under their wing, teaching me shit. And King… he was like a second dad to me. Always taking the time to talk to me… telling me about what he’d been through and how you get through the rough patches of life. And he always told me how proud he was of me. It felt good. It felt like I had a dad again. My grandparents were great, but it wasn’t the same. I can’t describe it. But with King, there was no expectation. There was no standard to measure up to.”

Yeah, I can see that.

I loved Sean’s grandparents like they were my own, but his gramps was retired military and was always tough on him.

He rarely gave praise or showed his emotions.

Always wanting to push his grandson to do better, to work harder.

Achieve more. But what Mr. Ashton didn’t give in words, he gave in time.

Always bringing us up here to go fishing.

Teaching Sean every life skill he’d learned throughout his life.

But I guess as a boy, Sean didn’t so much care for knowing how to hook a worm.

He wanted to hear that he was good enough.

And that’s what he got from the club.

“Over time, the guys started sharing things with me about club business and it made me respect them even more. It also made me want to be a part of it. I wanted to fight the drug lords and help clean up the streets. Though, I wasn’t na?ve to the other side of that life. I knew it came with risks, and that I was signing up for a life that wasn’t in line with the law. But I still wanted it. I was done living the straight and narrow. I was done falling in line and following everyone’s rules. God, I loved the fucking high of it.” He looks up at the sky, breathing in deep.

“The adrenaline. The open roads. The life. It felt so freeing.”

And the women .

I know he loved that too.

Girls falling all over themselves to be with these dangerous men.

Offering up wild sex on the regular with no strings attached, just wanting their attention.

What guy wouldn’t love that?

“But I knew you didn’t like it, Kens.” He glances over at me.

He’s not wrong. I hated it.

“I tried to deny it at first, tell myself I could keep my lives separate, but I could tell you hated me being a part of the club. And I’m not gonna lie. I resented the fact that you wouldn’t give them a chance. I was pissed at you for judging them without even knowing them. And that anger festered, got inside my head, and I let it take over. When you didn’t want to spend my birthday at the club, it felt like an ultimatum. Like you were forcing me to choose, and I was so fucking angry. But then you showed up.”

And I got to see firsthand how much he resented me.

I sat in my room, knowing that I was about to lose him.

It was my biggest fear.

It was the reason I didn’t want him being a part of the club.

He went from spending all his free time with me, to going straight to the club the moment we got out of school, staying there until all hours of the night.

Everything about him was changing.

His clothes, his priorities, his personality.

And it felt like my Sean was slipping away.

I’d told him how much I hated the club, hoping he’d quit.

Hoping he’d choose me and walk away from them.

But then… the night of his birthday, I realized I was pushing him away.

Pushing him straight to them.

So, I went there to surprise him.

To prove my love and show him that I wanted him no matter what.

I was trying to be openminded.

But… my biggest fear was realized.

I’d already lost him.

“When I saw you, I panicked and didn’t know what the fuck to do, Kens. And it didn’t help that I was piss-ass drunk and so fucked up in the head over what I’d done. God, I was such a fucking mess. When I finally got my shit together and came to your house, I was coming to beg for your forgiveness, to beg you to take me back. But when I showed up and saw your face, saw what I’d done to my sweet girl, I knew I had to let you go. You deserved better. You deserved someone who wasn’t going to be such a fuckup. And I didn’t want to drag you into my world any further than I had.”

“But why?” I don’t understand why he didn’t fight for us.

“Why couldn’t you give them up and choose me? Choose our life?”

“Because I was no longer the same boy you’d fallen in love with. And as much as I wanted to fit myself back into that mold for you, I couldn’t. There was no turning back for me, and I knew that eventually what we had would be severed. You weren’t cut out for club life, and deep down, I knew I wasn’t cut out to be the man you wanted. So, I said some stupid shit, making it easy for you to walk away. I wanted you to be happy, and when I saw you on campus, I thought you were.”

Easy?

Even after seeing him with those girls, it wasn’t easy to walk away.

And I know that if he had gotten on his hands and knees, groveling for my forgiveness, crying for me to stay, I would’ve.

I would’ve forgiven what he did and taken him back.

But he didn’t.

“I was never happy, Sean. I was surviving. Fighting so hard to get over you.” I release my truth into the night air and watch as it rises toward the sky.

“I was forcing every smile, faking every laugh, hoping that eventually it would be real. I prayed every day that you’d come back and tell me you’d made a mistake. But you never did.” And the pain took over.

And it festered. It ate away at me until there was nothing left but my hatred.

Hate for him. Hate for the club.

Hate for the injustice the world had thrown at me.

“I even thought you’d show up for my mom’s funeral, but you never came. And that’s when I knew you were truly gone and never coming back. That was the day I finally let you go.”

“Baby.” He shifts to face me, taking up all the space between us.

His leg pressing against mine and sending a comforting warmth throughout my body.

It’s like an old security blanket.

Safe and warm. “Had I known, I would’ve been there. I never would’ve let you go through that alone. But after I saw you with that guy, I never came back to town. And I made my grandparents promise to never mention you again, so they never told me about your mom. I think they thought you were better off without me, too. They hated the fact that I’d joined the club. Barely spoke to me after I did.”

I figured as much.

His grandfather told me how disappointed he was in Sean and how I was better off finding myself a good, honest man who’d make me a nice life.

“God, it fucking kills me, baby. I hate that I wasn’t there for you. And I don’t blame you for hating me. I know it’s not much, that words can’t make up for what I did. But I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. Goddamn, I’ve fucked up so bad.” He drops his head, shaking it like he can’t stand the thought.

He did fuck up, but I’m finally starting to understand.

It doesn’t make it right, but I get it now.

I understand why he walked away.

It still hurts like hell knowing that I wasn’t enough, knowing that I couldn’t give him what he needed, but the pain isn’t quite as sharp as it once was.

Thinking he’d fallen out of love with me was much worse.

“It’s in the past, Sean. It’s time to leave it there and for us to move on.”

I don’t want to carry this anger anymore, to harbor this resentment.

I’m exhausted. It’s time to let it go, and for both of us to heal.

“No, baby. It’s time for me to make up for the hell I put you through.” He shifts closer.

“It’s time for me to prove how sorry I am.”

“You don’t need to prove anything. I believe you.” I know now that we were both misguided by our misconceptions.

He’s not the only one to blame for that.

I never understood the appeal of the MC until now.

And I hated them. He was right, had we stayed together, I would’ve given him an ultimatum: me or the club.

Because whether they’re good men or not, I still hate that he’s a part of that world.

I hate that his life is at risk every time he goes out on a “job.” If we had stayed together, I would’ve lived in fear.

Every time he left the house, I would be afraid he wouldn’t come back.

It’s one of the reasons I could never marry an officer.

I’m not cut out for the worry.

“I forgive you, Sean. I’m not just saying that. I didn’t want to, but I do. But it doesn’t change anything. You’re still a part of that world. And I’m still the girl that wants to have nothing to do with it. So, I think it’s better for both of us if we move on with our lives. I need to get back to my world, and you need to go back to the club. I’m sure your brothers miss you. I think I finally found the closure I needed.”

“No. I can’t accept that. This isn’t about closure for me. I’m not going anywhere. This time, I’m making the right choice. The one I should’ve made years ago.” He reaches for my hands, squeezing them tightly.

“It’s us now, Kens. You and me. The way it always should’ve been. I’m not running away. I’ll do whatever I have to, to fight for you.”

For nearly three thousand days, those are the words I’ve been longing to hear, and I want to latch onto every single one and cling to the hope of getting back what we lost, of having a future together, the one I dreamed of as a little girl.

But I can’t. It will never work for us.

Because as soon as I dig myself out of this financial grave I’m in, I’m going to go back to school and become an attorney.

And as a representative fighting for the law, I can’t be married to a man who doesn’t even abide by the law.

A man who believes the code of the brotherhood is above all else.

So, whether I love him or not, it’s not in the cards for us.

We’re both better off, even though right now, it doesn’t feel that way.

“I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that wants that, Sean. I’ve loved you since the day you moved in next door. You were the cutest boy I had ever seen. Still are. But I can’t do it again. I’ve come to learn that love isn’t always enough. And my life is in shambles right now. I’ve got shit I need to go figure out, and a relationship isn’t in the cards for me right now. So, I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Baby, whatever shit you have going on, I’ll take care of it. I’ll pay any debt you owe.”

“It’s sweet of you to want to ride into my life like a knight in shining armor, but I’m not taking your money. I can handle things on my own.”

“It’s not about handling shit. It’s about me wanting to be with you.”

Another kick to the gut, but I can’t falter.

I know what’s best for us.

Which is why I have to lie.

“But I don’t want to be with you, Sean. I’m no longer willing to give up my dreams for a man.”

“I don’t want you to give up anything. I would never stop you or hold you back.”

I cock my brow.

“Really? You already stopped me from doing my job. I should be at work right now.” And I really, really need the money.

“That’s not a fucking job. And, no, I don’t want my girl showing her body to other men.”

“That’s just it. I’m not your girl. And I don’t have to answer to you or anyone else for how I choose to make my money. And every night that you keep me from making money, it puts me at risk of losing my mom’s house.” I hate admitting the fact, but I need him to see the bigger picture.

And I need him to take me home.

If I lose my mother’s house, I’ll lose everything.

“I paid your debt, babe. The house is yours, so you never have to worry.”

“You did what?” I jerk back, feeling burned by his words.

He did what? What does he mean he paid my debt?

That’s thousands and thousands of dollars.

Hundreds of thousands.

“I called the bank and found out how much was owed, and I took care of it. The house is yours now. Free and clear.”

“You can’t do that.” I smack his arm.

“I don’t want your money.” With money comes strings, and now I owe him.

Which means I’m tied to him.

Which means I have to face these feelings every day until I can pay him back.

“I can and I did. I wanted to help, and if you’re worried about the money, don’t be. I’ve got more than enough. But if you want to dance for me, I sure as hell won’t stop you.”

His teasing smile is infuriating.

And so is the fact that he did that.

“No! No, no, no. Take it back! Call them up and take it back.”

“I’m not taking anything back, Kens. Why the hell are you so upset?”

“Because.” I scoot back, standing back up.

“Now, you’re going to expect me to have sex with you. Now, I owe you.” I’ll be in debt to him for an eternity based on what he paid.

He stands, getting right in my face.

“You don’t owe me jack shit. And I didn’t do it to get into your pants. I did it because I love you.”

My knees wobble, causing me to sway forward.

I didn’t know what hearing those words again would do to me.

They have a resounding impact, making my pulse race, swarming me with butterflies.

This is what I was worried about.

What I was trying to avoid.

He steps forward, his hands reaching out and gripping my waist, and I let him, needing his support to hold me steady.

“I would never try to bribe my way into your pussy, babe. You want me to prove it? I’ll keep my hands to myself. My only motive is because I care. I want to look out for my girl. Prove that it’s safe for you to trust me. If I can lighten the load, make things easier for you, I will. And all I’m asking for in return is a chance. A chance for you to get to know me again.”

“You’re touching me.” The words whisper from my lips.

It’s getting harder to breathe and to think past the emotions swarming in.

Having his hands on me is making it worse.

There’s a fire flicking up my skin from where he’s holding me, blazing over every inch, allowing my need to override my judgement.

His hands slowly drop, but he doesn’t give me space to breathe.

He steps forward, stealing what little air I had left.

“Fine. I’ll keep my hands to myself, but I’m not stopping. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you mine.” His head dips to my ear, and his warm breath sends a shiver through my shoulders.

Casting his spell of temptation.

“And when you’re ready, I’ll give your body exactly what it needs. Worship every inch.”

Another shiver skitters through, and he smirks, knowing his effect.

I wish there was some sort of vaccine to ward against him, but I’m not sure anything would create immunity.

It was easier when I had the hatred as my armor, but he’s smoothed out the edges of my anger and has me on the verge of giving him more than my forgiveness.

I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

After what he’s done for me, saving my mother’s home, I’m not even sure I could walk away from him.

The strings are definitely attached, pulling tighter the longer he looks at me.

“Good night, Sean.”

I need some space.

And time to think. Under the spotlight of his intense stare, every rational thought takes flight and blows away on the wind.

The temptation of taking him back is becoming harder to fight.