Page 10

9

Razor

T he floor creaks and the knot in my gut twists.

I turn, pressing my back to the counter for strength when I see her face.

That tightness expands up into my chest, giving my pulse a good kick.

She’s freshly showered.

Her hair still wet and hanging in loose ringlets, and she’s fucking gorgeous.

The only one who’s ever been able to steal my breath away.

I know last night was a lot for her.

So, as much as I wanted to crawl into bed with her and hold her in my arms, I could see she needed her space.

I’ll give her all the space and time she needs as long as she gives me a chance.

Good news is she’s not glaring bullets at me anymore.

There’s still a hesitancy in her eyes.

A nervousness gripped tight within her frame, but she’s no longer dripping with hate.

I can no longer feel the chill coming off her.

“Coffee?” I ask, clearing my throat as my voice comes out rough.

Just having her back in my space is choking me up.

She nods, and I turn to my task of making her a cup and taking the moment to get my head on straight.

I’m hoping to spend the day with her and see if I can’t soften her to me a little more.

“Cream and sugar are on the table.” I hand her the mug.

“Made some waffles too, and Granny’s homemade syrup.” Which she always loved as a kid.

Granny used to make batches of it for her.

I’m aiming to remind her of everything that she loved when we were young, including me.

“Thanks.” Her voice is a soft whisper, and my nerves feel every ounce of her reluctance.

I wish I knew what was going through her head.

Then I’d know my next move.

Instead, I’m riding blind here.

Not knowing whether to advance or ease up with my intentions.

If I hadn’t made my promise not to touch her, I’d grip her cheeks and kiss the hell out of her soft lips, show her how much she means to me.

Remind her of the lightning that’s been tethered between us since that fateful day when we were seventeen.

The day our friendship turned into something a hell of a lot more.

But I told her I’d keep my hands to myself until she’s ready, and damned if I won’t keep my promise and earn her trust back.

Unfortunately, my cock’s not too happy about the arrangement and is currently making its protest known with an aching throb in my sac.

I fisted myself twice in the shower this morning and I’m still on edge.

But no matter how many times I get off, there’s no cure to her potency.

Just being in the same room with her makes the need boil.

“Thought we could go fishing after breakfast,” I tell her, placing a plate of hot waffles in front of her.

Figured it’s better to get her out of the cabin.

Keep my hands and mind busy, so I don’t find myself breaking my promise.

And the sooner the better.

I feel like I’m catching a sunburn under my skin right now and need some fresh air.

My goal today is to take her back down memory lane.

“Would you be up for that?”

“I don’t have any shoes.”

At least, it’s not a no.

“I have your old hiking boots still stashed in the closet.” I hid them in the back so she wouldn’t find them and run off.

“Oh. Um… okay.”

Again, she’s quiet, hesitant.

And again, I don’t know what’s going through her head.

“Can you tell me what you’re thinking, baby?” I need a clue so I don’t fuck things up.

“Look, Sean.” She sighs as her hands squeeze tighter around her coffee mug.

“I really do appreciate what you did for me. That was a lot of money, and I’m beyond grateful for your kindness and such a generous gesture. But I need to pay you back. I don’t feel right about it. And if we’re going to be um… friends …again, I need to clear my debts.”

The hell she will.

Me paying off her house is me taking care of my woman.

And whatever other debts she’s got I plan on clearing those, too.

Though, I may not be telling her about them based on her reaction.

The guilt is riding her hard, but she has no idea how hard the guilt over what I did to her is riding me.

This is a tiny way of me making up for all my wrongs against her.

I don’t want her worrying about money anymore.

The only thing she needs to be worrying about from here on out is what she wants out of life, and I’m hoping I’m part of that equation.

Won’t stop until her happiness and future equal me.

“Don’t want your money, babe. It was a gift.”

“It’s too generous and… I feel like…” Her eyes drop down to the contents of her mug, and the contents of my stomach are twisting tighter.

She’s so damn nervous.

A striking difference to the fiery girl who was giving me sass yesterday.

“It feels like you want me to just forget. And I’m not there yet. And I can’t say I ever will be. Taking your money makes me feel like my hand is being forced into this, like there’s an obligation to let it go. And I don’t know if I can. I hope you can understand.”

It’s not just my stomach that sinks into the pit of my despair, my heart slides right down with it, drowning in my regret.

For as much as she can’t forget, I will never forget the look in her eyes.

Her swollen face when I showed up on her front porch.

The gut-wrenching sound when she broke down in tears.

It still torments me every day.

Makes me loathe myself.

I wish like hell I could undo my actions.

But I can’t turn back the clock.

All I can do now is pave a new road of trust in hopes that she’ll give me another chance.

“Let me tell you something, baby.” I move in, crouching right in front of her chair, looking up into the eyes I’ve seen in my dreams ever since I was a young boy.

The eyes I missed day in and day out for the last eight years.

“I didn’t pay your debt in hopes that you’d forgive and forget. Like I said last night, I did it because I care about you and don’t want to see you struggling. Anything I can do to help, I will. I know after what I did, trust doesn’t come easily, but I’m telling you, on my life, I would never betray you again. I’m willing to put in the work to earn your trust again, but I need to know that you’re willing to give me a chance. If paying me back is something that gets me closer to that goal, I’ll let you.” I would never.

“But even if you decided you couldn’t go forward with me, I’d still want to help you. You have and will always be my girl. Even if I can’t have you, that will never change. There’s no obligation on your part. No strings. Helping you out is helping me breathe a little lighter.”

Her nerves get swallowed down thickly.

Her throat rolling like a slow wave.

And my nerves rise up in my chest like a cresting storm lodging in my airways and making it impossible to breathe.

I’ve laid it all out on the line for her, and now she has to decide whether she’s willing to take a risk on me or not.

All I need is for her to let me in again then I’ll do the work.

Prove my worth. But if she doesn’t give me a chance, I don’t know if I’ll ever breathe steady again.

“I’m not saying there’s a chance…” She finally speaks, and my nerves are held on the precipice, wading in insecurity.

“But I miss my friend. So can we start there?”

It’s a partial opening.

A mere crack in the door, but it’s all I need.

And I am so fucking grateful for it.

“Yes. I’ll take whatever I can get.” She can stick me in the friend-zone if that’s what makes her happy, but I’ll be barreling through every reservation and doubt to win her heart.

“Now, how about you eat up, then we’ll go down to the lake?”

That pretty head tips me a yes, and there’s a hint of a sweet smile forming on her lips.

By the day’s end, I hope I can have her laughing again.

That sound was one of my favorites.

A close second to the sound of her coming for me.

I shift back and take my seat so I don’t push my luck and do something to piss her off, like lick the syrup off her plump pink lips.

I’m so damn thankful she’s giving me a chance.

And this time, I won’t fuck it up.